Lived Experience Forum

[Maggie]

@Sophia1  💜💜💜

Better homes and gardens had a section on natives last Friday. You might be able to google the show, it would have been the 6/3/2020.

Sorry family member is struggling and vanishing, so hard to understand.

I live one day at a time also @Sophia1 .

[Former-Member]

Hi @Sophia1 , I hope things get better for you, and others here

[Appleblossom]

Dear @Sophia1 

It is great to hear from you whenever you can.

It is beautiful that you have chosen a site with a heritage tree.  I will send many virtual reality planting from my little garden. I am experimenting a lot with growing under things ... maybe there comes a time in a woman's life where that is a natural flowing on and way of being, after nurturing fanily for so long.  I too am over flowing, with a sense of love and flowers and pots!  I have been thinking of donating some to my health care workers as their clinic gardens are in a terrible state.  Maybe it is a form of guerilla gardening. I just see the bare soil and feel their other patients would benefit too.

Sorry to hear your son is struggling so much and seems unable to benefit from your love.  I think about this situation a lot with my own son and daughter, as they have both missed out on so much becasue of family issues, while I am still holding out my heart and hand for them and they mostly dont take it.  My son accepts a little. He has a different personality structure to your boy.

To be honest, I wonder if he is not intentionally manipulating you, even though it may "feel" that way.  I am not sure if you remeber that I have dealt with a lot of schizophrenics.  When they are in that deep they are usually beyond manipulating others.  Maybe he is reaching out to as his source and mother, but his texts are just his internal cognitive reality that he is sifting through and spilling it out in a messy and slightly unco-ordinated manner.  His "I" and "you" would be slightly merged becasue of the closeness of the relationship.  I have found those suffering, and many other people besides use the "you" word innacurately.  They are unaware that what they are saying belongs to themselves and not the other person.  If you are seeing other signs of maturation, HANG ON TO THAT.  It is a very crazy complicaterd world and takes longer for some to grow up.  Not sure I am making sense, but sending hugs.

Apple

[Zoe7]

Hugs @Sophia1 

[Sophia1]

thank you 💙

[Former-Member]

Hi @Sophia1 ... always a pleasure to see you around, when you're up to being here.  

You asked where I wrote my post about Highly Sensitive People.  You will find it here:

https://saneforums.org/t5/Our-stories/Living-with-PTSD-Potentially-Triggering-Material/td-p/114515/p...

Hopefully it takes you straight to that particular post, but if not, it is about half way through Page 152.

I wont discuss my personal situation here ... there's a lot 😔 ... and it doesnt matter anyway. 

Please you too take care.  Apologies for taking so long to respond ... I had a two week self-imposted exile from the forums.  Only decided to log back on yesterday afternoon to catch up with everyone.  Hope you are doing as well as possible.

Sherry 💕

[outlander]

@Sophia1 

[Sophia1]

Hello all and thank you for taking the time to read my random posts.

I cannot offer support for others presently as my health has deteriorated again.

I try to read your own words on posts where I find you.

When I am in a very low place, words of others read as though everyone is coping so well.

I think that this is just my programmed part of my brain where when younger I dissociated or degeneralised myself from a world that I found too harsh, unforgiving and judgemental.

I have also had to distance myself from people who project their negativity onto me, which I internalise as a response to being a highly sensitive person, at the same time empathic.

Many people over the years have told me that I would be a great counsellor, even the last counsellor I had.

I responded with thank you but I know that would not work well with me as I would take all of my clients home..

Loved your post @Former-Member  in regard to highly sensitive people. My score would have been yes to all bar one and a half. laugh even my scoring is different.

I think to start a new thread on that very subject is a wonderful idea. Yes it does fit in with PTSD. You could even include that very fact at the beginning of your first post.

I believe that you will reach far more people. 

Some people avoid PTSD posts.

It took me quite some time to be able to start reading your thread. My situation is now not classified as PTSD is now referred to as chronic trauma. unless of course that has changed and I have just not heard.

This is a subject that you have covered in a style that is not only informative but also in an inclusive way.

I would love to read more on this subject at times of course when I am here.

Sophia

[Sophia1]

Hello @Appleblossom 

Thank you for writing to me with such compassion and warmth.

I love the way you have referred to our nurturing others flowing on in a way of it's own.

I have been thinking very deeply, these days almost 24/7.

I know that I have managed to reach my spirituality although apart from saying out loud to someone "I do not know how or where to start to go on my spiritual journey"..I have discovered a much deeper part of me where I feel a far more ethereal feeling evolving at times. I cannot describe this in any other ways as with most beautiful things in this world or existence around us, words do not match.

You have touched that part of me @Appleblossom  or I have let you into that space at this present time.

Loved the virtual native plants that you sent me.

I know that you are experience wise with schizophrenia diagnoses, life effects and changes.

I still am not convinced that schizophrenia is it for my family member. I know definitely would have been diagnosed on the autism spectrum which was not a word used very often back when my member was young, despite seeing so many different specialists.

My family member tells me that I must not concern myself with whys and wheres when it comes to them. Last night I was told I am not a friend, I am a person to ask for money from when in need.

There is so much anger, despair, fear, hatred, love, dislike, disgust and so on within that family member's mind and yes the long term and current experience feelings become entangled, entwined, undecipherable only a means of causing an outcry.

I send small amounts for food. 

Yes I hang on to magical moments, fleeting, nevertheless, magical, usually in relation to nature. very in touch with environment as am I. Food, cooking. gardening sometimes create some calm at other times provoke hate.

I set personal boundaries. let them know I will not listen and will hang up. let them know switching phone off, having a rest.

At times I get given advise on how to look after myself, what to eat almost as though that person is becoming the caring parent.

I know that you will understand every single word that I have written.

Today is today.

Bless you Appleblossom 💚💛🤎

[Appleblossom]

@Sophia1 

Yes I found the switch to "caring speak" from my son, a little difficult to take at times. I do see it as partly growing up and being aware of others' needs, but if they are not feeling well about themselves, it can get mixed up with negative stuff and be very patronising. So I told mine, firmly once or twice that I was very experienced at looking after myself and that he had to get out and find his way in life. 

I let him know I would be supportive and keep that looking like more than just money. Sharing meals together, even if I would prefer not to do take out.  Having him cook or make a cup of tea for me when I bring his washing over etc. Little things. Still he is getting plenty of support from his father and I, so he cannot complain. Yes deposits to bank for health needs etc. Money only attached to important things.  He was telling me he needs a new computer .... hmmm ... think I will pass on that one.  Mine is 4 years old and I still dont have a phone.

Each family and each person have their own challenges. I do hope your son realises your loyalty, and finds some good in himself.  At least understanding as why his situation is at is, and take steps to put his life in order.

Hugs Sophia

Spirituality is ephemeral and I have always been interested, but how it works is often a mystery, and I try and remain open.

Weird things like Making friends with a pdoc who was at hospital my son was in, but meeting her in choir situation.  Not hiding the truth but each going with our honesty, vulnerability and our strength. Me enjoying singing Bach, though I came to singing late in life. I feel a sense of worthiness and am fortunate to socialise with many good people. I have not known them long enough to be real friends.   Anyway that has been halted due to c virus.

I have also socialised a lot with the homeless crew and in various charities.  Life is a mixed bag.