Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[artee]

Suffered a nervous breakdown about 7 years ago. I'm not going there again and I know I'm not near there. The stress is bad though. I have just discovered an excellent doctor (after decades of searching).

[artee]

The cancer was colon. They starved him of oxygen during surgery (so every part of his brain was damaged - which doesn't happen any other way), but surgical notes don't show any issues, not even the ones he had post-op that we knew about. His follow up and support has been terrible. I have seen a psychologist and other counsellors, but the hospital has shown no interest in him or his issue. All they ever tell us is that the surgery was very successful. I've been studying everything I can find, and trying everything I learn, but there is not one single thing I've tried that has any effect on him. His empathy is almost gone, so he just doesn't care how he behaves or how it affects me. He still believes he cares.

[Appleblossom]

 @artee I am horrified to read that about the surgeons .... I know that both my scienced educated ex- husband and brother are very wary about doctors.  For some Medicine has become an industry and often legal issues are prioritised over health issues.

My ex hubby's family holidayed with a brain surgoen's family ... there were enough stories to scare the living daylights out of him.

Can you protect yourself and get some stability ... and not get too involved in the questions about your hub's emapthy or caring .... ABI is notorious for creating short fuses in its sufferers ... If you can get some space and attention and meet your own health needs FIRST .... then deal with the marital and relational aspects.

[ivana]

@artee,

Have you had a chance to ring the Synapse place yet to see if there is anything they can assist you with?

Has your husband retained any of the good qualities at all that he had prior to the ABI?

Sometimes,in the midst of anger it can be hard to think of them but maybe in a "calmer moment" might be a betetr time for reflecting on that.

[Former-Member]

Hello @artee,

Have been following your thread however not sure that I can help you. It is funny how things can affect the brain. My partner had an accident earlier this year and I think it triggered a change for the better in him although I am not sure why.

I was wondering when I read how your partner acquired his brain injury if you have spoken to a lawyer. If he was well before the surgery and not after it would seem that there must be some argument for compensation. Also if there was any way you could get your partner to settle in one place. It would seem that being on the move is not good for you.

It is good that you have found a doctor you like. It is very important and I had a good doctor for many years who retired, Since then I have had several doctors and they just keep moving away. Maybe a problem with being in a rural area.

cheers

[artee]

I haven't contacted Synapse yet since I have been very sick for quite a few weeks now, suffering from asthma and have trouble not coughing when talking. I have struggled to find something good that's left of who I knew pre-ABI and have spent a lot of time over several years now looking, but there is not even one tiny little thing I can find and that is just so sad.

[artee]

We contacted a lawyer (several in fact) before the statute of limitation (which was 3 years, now 2) ran out on being able to take action against a medical procedure and were told very clearly there was nothing in the notes they could use. I am working hard to try to find us a permanent home, but have massive resistance to that - like I get to pretty much everything I want to do.

[artee]

I want to scream or punch something. Some days are worse than others and some days my patience is sorely tested. Today is yet another of those.

So he's moving the car from the verandah where it was stored out of potential hail harm yesterday. And while reversing (and rotating the car 90 degrees) he's driving way too fast and backs into the retaining wall. It's not our property. So I scream out stop and he gets upset and agressive because I've yelled at him (I was about 8 metres from the car at the time) and then does exactly the same thing again. I'm so sick of him not bothering to pay attention. I asked him what had to happen for him to pay attention and he said "who knows". I'm sick of all the excuse phrases that avoid making any effort to try.

He insists he didn't damage the wall - he did but he doesn't care. Just more damages he's caused. He's a walking disaster and I can't literally can't afford the horrendous amount of damage he creates from carelessness. The car is back in the shop again having thousands more spent on it.

On the way under the verandah, he hit the post, because he said he couldn't see me indicating he should stop, or hear me yelling at him, because of course, he had the window up. And I should have known he 'couldn't see a thing becuase the windows were fogged'. He told me to f*k off when I told him the car shouldn't have been moving if he couldn't see where he was going. Now he's getting more verbally abusive and I know it's because we're heading off soon and will travel to see my family over Xmas and he doesn't want to see them. He hates my family, but they've never harmed him. He has alienated his entire family years and years ago.

we went looking at options to get us into a house yesterday and he's now adamant that we can't have any kind of mortgage even though he has zero comprehension on money. Of course, now that I've come up wiith a very viable option, he'll fight like crazy against settling anywhere. I found a great rental too, but he's flatly refused to go look and I can't go alone as where we've decided to go is 250km from where we are now and I cannot drive that far myself.

Yesterday he was incredibly rude and hostile because dinner wasn't ready when he wanted it.

I'm just so over having to say every single thing up to 8 times without any response then be yelled at, or still ignored, or not answered, or laughed at for being in pain or a thousand things that make me the enemy. I have my new year's resolution in place. I will not be doing this by this time next year. I've told him again and again he can behave however he likes and ignore my boundaries, but there are always consequences. I'm over caring about how he feels about anything. I'm giving back what I've been getting.

[Outlanderali]

Hi @artee

I know im coming in late with the discussion, but there is a great website a book written by a lady named Sue Konnigan who helps people develop boundaries within their family. Her website is here worth a look! I would recommend the book!

Outlanderali 

[Mosaic]

Hi @artee thanks for your ongoing updates with the circumstances you are facing with your husband. I am sorry to hear things continue to be so difficult for you. I understand your husband suffers from an ABI, and he is a victim in this situation too as he has been left with a disability. Your situation is unique, but noone ever deserves to be treated with abuse.

I am not sure whether it has been suggested to you yet, but have you ever called to discuss your circumstances with 1800Respect? Their number is 1800 737 732. They are a 24/7 national freecall telephone counselling service for people experiencing domestic family abuse. They can provide both emotional and practical support for you. If you do decide to leave, this organisation can work with you to make a  plan to safety exit. They can also provide helpful practical tips and support with how to manage things at home when he is abusive towards you. I know it is difficult to get time to yourself, but I do hope you will find a moment to give them a call.

As always, please continue to keep us updated with how things are going.

All the best,
Mosaic.