Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[NikNik]

Hi @artee

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

It's really not fair and it's not okay that he causes you fear - your safety is at risk and it's important to reach out, like you have here, to get support.

You mentioned your worried about being alone with your illness, and you're unsure if you're able to manage it. Can you share with us what support your husband is providing for your illness - whether that be practical (ie: cooking) or some emotional support etc?

Hopefully we can offer some suggestions on how else you can get the support you need for your illness, so you don't have to rely on your husband.

Thinking of you

Nik

[artee]

So now I'm up and about again a bit, he's backed off the aggression and hostility, but he's not self aware of his actions. He blames me for 'picking on him' but can't recognise I say the same things again and again and again when he ignores the boundaries.

I have osteoarthritis in my neck which causes severe migraines, coupled with chronic lower back pain and another illness which causes chronic dizziness.

While I've been ill this time - flu/bronchitis/asthma plus dizziness and migraines, he's been impatient, because he doesn't get to make me do the things he wants the moment he thinks of them. He has cooked, which is great, though the portions are erratic, the combinations are peculiar and the condiments can be over the top (he did have a phase some time ago where he refused to let me put my own salt & pepper on food until I lost it and screamed at him). He managed to do some shopping, but has no way of getting money to pay (he can't remember pin numbers and I won't let him have a paywave card because he doesn't understand money at all) He forgot half of what was on his written list and got a lot of things wrong. I said nothing. I couldn't even get to the bathroom unaided (too dizzy) and was not able to stand to prepare food. I couldn't get to the supermarket myself and I have no friends or family close that can help with these kinds of things, and we don't stay anywhere long enough to make those kinds of friends.

[Appleblossom]

Hi @artee

Good to hear from you again ... though sorry hub is aggressive.

I second @NikNik you do have a right to get YOUR needs met ... as well as being mindful of his needs.

I am wondering if there is anyway you can withdraw support from hub to enable him to realise that a less mobile living arrangement might be better for you both ... slowly ... eg less help navigating ... or just focussing more on what you need even when you are together. Not escalating .. but not enabling him to keep running??

Is that fair?

Apple

[artee]

@Appleblossom

Thankyou, thankyou, thankyou. This is exactly what I will try. Every now and again I do the silence on navigation, just to see how he will cope. What is worrying is twice he has 'stalled' that is more or less stopped mid intersection, usually into oncoming traffic (my side of course) when he realises he's lost. Driving is a biggie I do need him for since my neck issues mean I can't drive far or often without triggering multi-day migraines.

[MockingJay]

Artee. You r in the same situation that I was in 10 yrs ago. I haven't read all your post. I didn't need to to get the thread of your dilemma mate. I haven't read any of the posts from others yet. I find if I do I lose the sense of your situation for me to focus on. I'm not adequately explaining myself am I. The reason why I'm responding to your post is that recently I posted to someone else the importance of having 'me time'. I didn't however mention as to how to go about it n I've only just come across your post by accident. I just assumed that because people know their own circumstances they would know best how to bring about their own kind of 'me time' that suits them. I have a busy day today so I'll have to get back to you this evening to talk some more if you like. Maybe you can fill me in about where your currently at or let me know that all is resolved now n your situation no longer exists.

Cheers for now.
MockingJay

[artee]

@MockingJay Thanks for your support. This was my first post  (warning its long) and explains where I'm at. Nothing is resolved, except for my own decisions. I know what I want to do, I just need to be able to do them. I feel like I'm at war - or a prisoner - I am watched/clung to like a child's 'safe' toy and I have almost no ability to do anything alone, which includes making phone calls I need to make out of his hearing.

Outside of that, I have a relatively crippling level of osteo-arthritis which prevents me from driving anywhere much. And of course, I'm not much of a driver, according to hubby, (which is bs), and he flatly refuses to let me drive 'his' car when I ask. It's not his car, it's was purchased jointly. We have only one car, because we do not have a fixed address - we tow a caravan. There are multiple health issues of mine, all of which are debilitating at times, all of which leave me more or less at the mercy of a person who no longer has any real concern about my welfare, even though he thinks he does. He's proven again and again he most certainly does not.

[Appleblossom]

I dont like to generalise much ... but CONTEXT is everything when dealing with mental health or mental illness.

Yes driving is a biggie ... and we dont want to test hubbie's reactions in a traffic emergency ... but it would be good if he comes to see some of the issues.

I am in the opposite situation in some ways ... about the driving thing ...

I have been trying to encourage son to get driving licence for years and cease being his chauffeur ... it is what it is ...when push comes to shove ... and we are a household without access to a car at the moment ... and we are at the point of getting down to tin tacks re all life issues ... I am surviving just fine without a car ...

Good Luck @artee

[MockingJay]

Artee. I'd like to focus on you first. Do you have family or understanding friends who r willing to provide you temporary respite. Do I understand correctly that your hubby has a brain acquired injury? Is he still capable of taking care of his physical needs,ie toilet shower dress n feed himself. If so then rather than fight him to go into respite, the caravan can act as his respite while you take time out for yourself. To resolve the issues you have with your hubby otherwise, is not going to happen anytime soon. But for now let's explore the time out possibilities. One of the ways I use to get some me time is I'd pack my husband's bags n buy him a one way ticket to his family. Then I'd get a phone call from one of his sisters telling me they don't like surprises. I told her to cheer up its not a life sentence hey. Well I'm turning in for the night now. Hooroo 

MockingJay

[MockingJay]

I want to reassure you that I don't expect you to do what I did with my husband Artee. But I do think you need to take the initiative to put yourself first presently n let your hubby find his own way for the time being. While you remain anxious about your own health issues, it won't help your already tenuous relationship with your hubby. That's why I suggest you make a decision n act on it. It wouldn't surprise me if you r in the middle of having a nervous breakdown. Talk to a GP about your circumstances, the way you feel, that your a nervous wreak, he might b able to refer you to a mental health professional at a public hospital. 

[MockingJay]

I should have read all the posts before I spoke to you Artee. QLD is a good place to live in. It will help you with your debilitating arthritis because of the warmer climate. That's why I do. Living half way between Brissy n Cairns I don't suffer the cold weather conditions. All the advice I've read from the posts to you is very intuitive. Have you done any research on the internet about Aquired Brain Injury. I know very little about it. Having an operation to remove the stage 3 brain cancer would undoubtedly have a significant affect on the prognosis of your hubby's recovery. Did you receive any support or counselling prior to the operation n follow up support after the operation. To prepare you about how to take care of your hubby now that he has a form of ABI. About what you'll b dealing with, what to expect or not to expect? It's a serious game changer to anyone's life going by your information. It's not surprising you're health is as bad as you say.