Ask Anything Monday: Have a question you feel too apprehensive to ask?

[Janna]

My initial thought regarding this was to change schools.  I am assuming that all the normal avenues have been exhausted - i.e. reporting incidents to the school, etc. However if they haven't I would do the following if I was in this predicament with my son/daughter.  Firstly, you (or your daughter) need to document every incident of bullying that occurs - date, time, who, what, where, etc - call it the "Bully Book" if you like.  You need to put your concerns, with reference to specific incidents, in writing to the Principal of the school (if you haven't already done so).  You need to follow up with the school and find out what their action plan is going to be.  Every single school has an anti-bullying policy and a zero tolerance towards it.  Quote info from the Dept. of Education - 

https://www.det.nsw.edu.au/policies/student_serv/discipline/bullying/guidelines.pdf

https://www.det.nsw.edu.au/policies/student_serv/discipline/bullying/PD20100415.shtml

Request to speak with the school counsellor/student welfare officer and make an appointment for yourself and your daughter to meet with them.  Ensure that the situation is addressed and follow-up frequently and that your daughter receives ongoing counselling at school.  Report to the school weekly if need be with facts from the "Bully Book".  It is the school's duty of care to keep your daughter safe from bullying and they would be in breech of this code if they do not address the issue.

I would also take your daughter to your GP and document the bullying and the effects that this is having on her.  See if he can get a mental health plan and refer your daughter to see a psychologist for therapy.  If she is already suffering with low self-esteem she will need support to build up resillience in her.  Resillience is important.  You/her may not be able to prevent all forms of bullying but you can build your daughter up to withstand it as best she can.  A psychologist would be able to give her useful strategies as well as address her low self-esteem issues.

Keep hounding and pestering the school and if they continue to ignore the issue or appear to not be addressing it appropriately I would move up the ladder and take the matter to a regional level within the Dept. of Education.

In the meantime ensure that your daughter remains as active as possible and try to provide diversional activities to free her mind from the issues at school.

This is a serious matter which can have devastating effects on an individual.  You have every right to persue the matter further and demand a resolution to it.

All the best

Janna 

[NikNik]

Happy Monday all!

Thanks to @Janna who responded to last week's question.

This week's anonymous Ask Anything Monday question is:

My grandmother is elderly, though is physically okay. For a few years now she hasn't wanted to go out and we have picked up that she has some sort of social anxiety - sometimes we can get her out of the house and other times not. She's now saying she doesn't want to be here anymore. I'm not sure what to do because I feel like she feels this way because she doesn't have anything to do, but she won't come out to family dinners etc. I have no idea how to manage this - any advice?

[Janna]

My mother is elderly (try 86) and hasn't wanted to engage in life by going out since I can remember.  She also appears to have a bit of a "death wish" happening by often making statements that indicate that she has no real desire to live and is just biding time.  Unfortunately, despite all my efforts, for many years, she remains steadfast in her resolve to live in social isolation and appears (?) to be content with her "fate".  I'm not too sure about the age that you're grandmother is, but regardless of age it is a mindset that many aged people fall into. I don't believe that she will be amenable to any suggestions you make because her motivation is not there.  I have suggested many simple things to my mother that I believe would enrich her life and make her twilight years more enjoyable and fulfilling, but she rebukes every suggestion.  At the end of the day a person is ultimately in charge of their own life and if she is choosing to disengage from social activities then I feel the best that you can do is to honour her decisions and remain supportive in other ways.  Instead of encouraging her to go out then you may have to adapt an attitude similar to the proverb about Mohammed going to the mountain - which fundamentally means that if you can't get your grandmother to go out and live in the way you feel is best or her, then you need to bring that to her in the best way you know possible.  Lower your expectations and respect her decisions.  Try where possible to fulfil her life in a way that she wants - e.g. go over for visits, cook dinner for her in her house, etc.  Be supportive no matter what and allow her to make free independent decisions even though they may not appear to be in her best interests.  I'm sure that there is a lot more going on for her on the inside.  If at all possible try to just sit with her and talk with no pressure or expectations and just listen.  Listen closely to her story.  Give her time and presence and let her know that you are there for her no matter what she choses to do.  Let her talk about her life.  Narrative is important at her age and can bring endless comfort to her.  i don't have any easy suggestions or solutions because there are none.  As long as your grandmother is self-caring well, appears content, is having all her needs met and is safe then you as a grand-daughter can only do the best you can.  The fact that you are so concerned about her well-being speaks volumes and she is very lucky to have someone like you in her life.

All the best 

Janna ❤️

[Former-Member]

Hi,

I just had a couple of thoughts on this question. 

If there has been a significant change in your Grandmother's behaviour there is possibly something to be concerned about. It might need a little bit of time and tact to find out what has affected her. For example you might consider her recent history and if she is struggling with grief from loss or illness. Does she have physical problems (incontinence maybe) that cause her to feel embarrassed and afraid about socialising? If she is living alone dementia might be an issue, Could there be interactions from medications? Is her hearing okay?

It is good that you care for your Grandmother. Maybe accepting what she still feels able to do is the best way to support her.

[NikNik]

Happy Monday Everyone!

A big thank you to @Former-Member and @Janna for your insightful responses. Full of good practical strategies!

Here's is this week's question.

Last Christmas our neighbour tried to end his life. We aren't very close with him - we say hello, take in his bins sometimes and empty his mailbox when it's overflowing. We don't often see people visiting him and he lives alone.

We were thinking of inviting him over for Christmas lunch. Do you think this is a good idea? I don't want him to feel pressured (and therefore worse for him) or uncomfortable, so I'm not sure how to approach it.

[Appleblossom]

It is delicate when you know that ... but not doing anything can be just as bad ... maybe start the conversation slowly and guage whether he can cope with sociality of a christmas meal ... eg feel ok with your other guests as well ... or maybe invite him for a cuppaor christmas drink on his own ... could be just as good ... I dont know ... you can only ask??

I have spent a few christmases on my own .. and one person made things really bad by making a big deal and asking his exwife if I could go to her house for the family meal ... it was weird and she refused which I was glad about.

[Crazy_Bug_Lady]

I think that would be lovely! A few years ago my parents went away and left me house-sitting. That was the first time I'd been alone at Christmas. Once the neighbours realised they all invited me to various get togethers.

Personally, I have a fair bit of anxiety around people I'm not familiar with. One neighbor left a note under the front door inviting me over, and on the day knocked on the door, no pressure. They also offered to bring me food if I wasn't comfortable going over.

That was a great Christmas for me. I felt loved by so many people, and there was no pressure to attwnd or not.

[Shaz51]

hi Crazy_Bug_Lady,

that is a wonderful idea ,

[NikNik]

Happy New Year everyone!

Welcome to our first AAM for 2016. Thanks to @Shaz51 , @Crazy_Bug_Lady and @Appleblossom for your responses and support to the last AAM of 2015.

This week's question is:

Hi there,

I'm very lucky in that my partner is seeing a psychologist and has a great support team for his newly diagnosed depression. My question is, how can I be a good carer? I think I was going over the top and being a bit too sensitive, when I'm not sure if I actually need to be. For example, I all of a sudden decided to start exercising and only buying really healthy food, because I thought this might be helpful for his depression. I also started to read about natural remedies (not discouraging his meds etc.. just things that might help alongside what he's already doing) and started trying to incorporate that into our lives.

My partner got a bit frustrated with me last night and said I'm wrapping him up in cotton wool and "babying" him too much. How do I get a balance of being helpful, but not overbearing?

[Janna]

Hi,

It's always difficult to know how and what to do when dealing with anyone suffering with depression as they have a tendency to view things from a "skewed" perspective.  Although your intentions are great they are probably being perceived as being a little overzealous.  It's really important to people who are suffering from depression to not feel like they are a burden to anyone, and to maintain "control" over their life.  I also think it's important to not let his illness become the focal point of your actions and behaviour.  If you want to introduce healthier habits or lifestyle changes that you believe would be to his benefit, make sure that you involve him in the decision making process and aim for a win/win situation.  People with depression tend to do better with predictability and the comfort of what they know rather than having to adapt to change.  Implementing too many changes could be overwhelming even though their intentions are great.  

You are coming from a good place and I'm sure that your partner knows this.  Communicating your support to him is valuable.  Offer him a good ear and the comfort of knowing that he can speak with you about how he feels etc.  Being a good carer is all about support in any form that fits.  Let him know that you're available in that regard.  As with diet/exercise ask him what he would be amenable to and offer gentle encouragement without pressure.  Slow changes will work better than a sudden change, as does with anyone let alone someone who is suffering with depression.

I think that if you treat his depression as more "matter of fact" than to focus on it as an anomaly that needs urgent special treatment/consideration, it will be better for him and you.  If you refer to it too much by way of lifestyle changes etc it actually places more emphasis on it if you get what I'm saying.  For example: when you sit down to eat your healthy food after you've exercised, both of you are making his depression take centre stage because the only reason you've done this is because of his depression.  Try and keep things as "normal" as possible and introduce changes slowly.

It takes a while to come to terms with mental illness (depression) and finding your feet is part of the process.  It's great that he is seeing a psychologist and wonderful to know that you are so supportive.  

The key is to work together as one to find that balance so that you both find a place that is mutually beneficial and satisfying. 

All the best

Janna ❤️