Ask Anything Monday: Have a question you feel too apprehensive to ask?

[Appleblossom]

I had been doing a lot of reading about BPD and found the website "The Shack" useful and written from a partner's point of view.

[Former-Member]

Happy Monday everyone 🙂  It's kind of a sleepy day here in Victoria - sandwiched between the weekend and a public holiday.  Whereever you are and whatever you're doing, I hope you have a good day.

Thanks to @Baboo and @Appleblossom for helping out with last weeks question.  Here is our question for this week:

6 Months ago my husband and I separated. I can never see us getting back together again, but all this time I have still been his primary carer. He can live independently, but when it comes to appointments, remembers what medication he has been on and is currently on and making sure he’s on top of it all, I’m still the main person in his life. I don’t mind this too much, but I worry that this is going to prevent both of us from moving on. I’m not actively looking for a new relationship, but I’m sure the time will come that I meet someone I like. Can you imagine having to explain to a potential partner that I have to still see and spend time with my ex?  We have no children together and nothing really binding us. How do detach without hurting him.. Or causing a disruption in his treatment?

[Former-Member]

It sounds like you are facing a tough predicament. While you feel the marital relationship is over, you recognise that someone has to provide that practical assistance and support to your husband. It certainly can take some time to redefine the parameters of any relationship after a separation, but adding mental illness into the mix can make those circumstances all the more complicated. No wonder you are feeling anxious about how a future partner may react to your arrangement. However, I would hope that any future partner, if they they are the 'right one', would be understanding and appreciative of your unique circumstances. You are clearly a very caring and compassionate person to still want to offer this practical support your ex, so I hope this would shine through 🙂 Are you in touch with any Carers' organisations? You can look up Carers Australia here, or even give them a call to discuss your circumstances and see what they might be able to offer in terms of support and respite.

We have quite a number of members on here who are caring for a partner with mental illness, many have have walked through difficult times together in their relationship.I wonder if @Sukha14  @workthisout  @disquiet  @Lucky2015  @Joyjoy68  @Smokey  @Kawasaki  @Janna  @Paris  @Nhoj might have any advice or insights they can share?

Wishing you all the best on your next chapter. Mosaic.

[Janna]

I can relate very well to the predicament that you are in.  My H and I are separated as well and have been for approximately 4-5 months.  Although I would love to have severed all ties with him it hasn't quite ended up that way and I find myself still aiding him in many ways.  Fundamentally this shows that you (and I) are a very caring and empathic person who despite having differences that were sufficiently bad enough to warrant separating, you still are concerned for his well-being.

Given that it is often very difficult to disentangle yourself from a long term relationship, I would recommend that you go easy and slowly start reducing what you are doing for him rather than just suddenly stopping everything.  I'm wondering if there is another person in his life who may be able to help him during this period of adjustment?  If you feel that he is not competent enough to take on this role alone the key would be to find alternative support for him, or slowly teaching him and handing over the responsibility in a way that makes it easier for him to do.  For example - getting a big whiteboard or a visible calendar and writing appointment times on it, or even setting up appointment reminders on his phone (if he has one that this can be done on).  Appointment reminders can also be set up with the place he has the appointment with.  With regard to the medications most GPs or his psychiatrist have the ability to print out a personal health care plan which includes past medication history, etc.

I also think it's a dependency syndrome to a certain degree.  The more you do, the less he will do and the more you continue to do this, the less motivated he will be to change.  

In terms of explaining to a potential partner ..... if you explain the situation honestly a good partner shouldn't worry about this.  You are not in an intimate relationship with your ex but merely providing care for him as you would for any other individual in a similar situation.  In many respects I think it's a good test of the character of any potential partner.  Clearly you would like to meet someone who feels secure enough with you to not worry about this and also to have the capacity to understand the role of a carer even once separated.

Without fully understanding the social structure that is around him it's difficult for me to make any further suggestions other than to try and offload some of these responsibilities/tasks onto others and also to grandually get him to take on more himself.  Also instead of physically having to spend time with him is it possible to achieve things via phone or emai as an alternative?  You could also make up some dummy excuse as to why you are unable to do some of these things and test the waters to see how he goes.  You may be suprised with the results.  Failing all that I would explore community health and see if there is any assistance which can be provided via that avenue.  What do people do if a carer gets ill, passes away or goes on an extended holiday? 

In the meantime patience and care are needed to remove yourself from this role.

Janna ❤️

[NikNik]

Hi Everyone - Happy Monday!

Thanks @Janna & @Former-Member for helping out our anonymous member last week.

This week's question is about self harm:

My partner and I have been together for awhile now. There was only one time (over a year ago)  she harmed herself since I've known her.

Recently I noticed the scars and straight-up asked her if she was harming herself. She just played dumb and pretended she didn't know what I was talking about. I left it a few days and asked her again and she said that she had been self harming. I asked her what was going on to cause this and she said 'nothing'/

I really have no idea how to proceed. I have respected her privacy and not pushed it, but I'm really worried about it She says there is nothing wrong, clearly there is.

I don't know what to do. Should I force the issue or just let it go for now?

[Janna]

Hi there,

Self-harm occurs for a variety of reasons but one of the common feelings attached to this behaviour after the event is shame.  Most people who self-harm then go to great lengths to keep their scars hidden because they are embarrased and fear the critical judgement of others.  The reasons for self-harm are best left for a therapist to talk about face-to-face.  Meanwhile as a partner these are some things I would recommend.  Firstly try not to appear too alarmed by the self-harming scars keeping in mind that your partner would be fearing your negative judgement.  Speak about it in a non-judgemental way and try to come at it from a place of empathy and compassion e.g. "I see that you've been self-harming.  I understand that this is part of the problems/mental health issue/stress etc that you have".  Then I would suggest the following - make her aware that if she feels the need to self-harm you are available as a first option to talk to and to help alleviate her distress.  I would also suggest that you make her aware of using alternate means of diverting the urge to self-harm such as holding a cube of ice, flicking a rubber band on the wrist, drawing on herself with a red biro/pen.  Ensure that she seeks medical attention if the cuts are deep and tends to her wounds in an appropriate way.  Tell her not be afraid of telling you.  In the meantime if she is not currently getting any therapy I would suggest that this is an indication that she needs to engage in therapy, or if she is in therapy encourage her to discuss this with her therapist.

Do not force the issue but rather tell her that it's safe to tell you and that you are there to support her with her difficulties.  Of course if you are concerned that the self-harm is at a level that is dangerous to her well-being you have a right to call for medical assistance or to take her for treatment.

Try to open up discussion about the subject rather than fear it and avoid it.  See if you can get her assurance that before she self-harms she either contacts you or another support service such as Lifeline.  Ensure her that you are there to support her, show concern for her as a whole person and don't just focus on the self-harm.  In the meantime there is a wealth of information on the internet regarding self-harm which would be worthwhile reading so that you develop a better understanding.

All the best

Janna ❤️

[NikNik]

A HUGE thank you to @Janna for your response to last week's AAM!

This week's question:

I have been a carer for my sister for 15 years now. Not consistently - only when she needs it. When she is going through a 'rough patch' I pretty much have to drop everything and focus on her. I have got to a point where I don't even mention this to my friends anymore because they don't understand.

My sister has bipolar and my friends come up with some strange myths and suggestions (based on these myths) - one being 'oh she must be so creative if she has bipolar' Sometimes I can shake these off, sometimes I get really annoyed - I would love to hear what myths or misconceptions you've heard about the MI the person you care for has been diagnosed with and how you manage it!

[Shaz51]

Hi, sorry i came in a bit late , -- yes, I don`t talk about it much to family and friends because they don`t understand or they don`t want to understand .

the biggest one is " But your husband is such a hard worker " how can your husband have clinical depression because he says the funniest jokes " , so I continue by loving my husband , so I would say not to worry , love your sister .

i know it can be annoying but I find if i am happy and calm , my husband is relaxed, and that is the main thing to me , I hopei was helpful , have a good week

[NikNik]

A big thanks @Shaz51 for responding to the last question 🙂

This week's Ask Anything Monday is quite a difficult and serious issue many parents come across;

My daughter is being bullied at school - every avenue we have taken has just made it worse. She already has low self esteem and I worry the constant bullying will mean she develops long term mental health problems.

We are close to her having to change schools - but because of social media, it seems that teens from other schools are already targeting her.

I feel so helpless - I don't know what to do.