Topic Tuesday // Staying safe while supporting others // April 18, 7pm AEST

[Smc]

@Nevyn134, the hard fact is you need some time out, but how? Does the person you're caring for have someone else that you both trust enough that they could come and visit for an hour or two while you go off for a walk or cuppa or simply to get some errands done without always being vigilant? I know from experience that the constant watchfulness is one of the most wearing things.

[Faith-and-Hope]

@Nevyn134 .... I use something I refer to as "passive-resistance".  I remain polite, and carry through with caring actions, but I use these to shield myself .... I withdraw behind a barrier of politeness as if I were a bank clerk dealing with a difficult person whom I need to remain in service to, but I don't have to actually like (as in befriend) or offer anything more than the basic service.

I am in no way suggesting that you should dislike the person you are caring for -  it's just a matter of giving yourself permission to retire emotional for a while ... just go through the paces with reserve.  I am sure this is a skill perfected by nursing staff at times, along with air hostesses, bank clerks, restaurant maitre de's, and hotel concierges .... and it's okay to apply it to the person we are caring for as a form of self-care .... because we matter as much as they do ....

[CheerBear]

Trying to clearly state what it is that I can and can't provide a person has helped me support people offline

[soul]

With regards to responding offline. If you say you're going to do something, do it. There's nothing worse than being let down when you're already in a stressful situation.

[Spookytookims]

@NikNik  I find one of the biggest compilications mainly offline  is a sense of Obligation.

I'm reading on here a lot of people online, feel that strongly too.  It can manifest because we emotionally feel obligated to help someone, even if it's to our own detriment.

[Mazarita]

@utopia, I relate to what you are saying about how it can be easier to support a new person you know little about, than someone you have got to know and like. In the friendship situation we let down some boundaries and that means we often are more personally affected by what the friend is going through. This is a tricky one for me sometimes on the forum, and also in real life. 

[Shaz51]

Any other offline tips - particularly for those who live with the person they support?

In my situation @NikNik, I like to think about it before I say or suggest something to my husband

 Respond in my  own time.(ha ha ) hubby smiles now because he knows I am thinking about what he says

[Odette]

I second what @soul said!  Only say you'll do what you actually intend to do.  I know (and most of us probably) how much being let down hurts and can make things much worse.

[Smc]

Big simple offline boundary is is being able to say no to volunteer tasks. It's tricky when others don't know why and feel like you aren't pulling your weight. I try to keep volunteer tasks limited to the ones that pick me up- so I'm happy to go on the church music roster because playing gives me a boost, but won't put my hand up for garden club secretary.

[Phoenix_Rising]

@Former-Member my honest answer to your question is that I know I'm not the only person in Forum Land. There is ALWAYS someone else available - yay for moderators. I super love the fact that when I'm struggling, if I ask for support I can be certain that SOMEONE will appear.