Ask Anything Monday!

[NikNik]

ASK ANYTHING MONDAY!

A big THANK YOU for to all the members who have responded to Ask Anything Monday so far. This week's question -

The other day a friend of mine said to me 'You think everyone is out to get you' and he is right. I looked at everything I was saying to him and he hit the nail on the head - so many people have done things that have hurt or upset me.

He said to me that I could be looking at things all wrong and that people may not be intentionally trying to upset me. He said something to me that I found really interesinting... he said I should stop worrying about what I can't control and just control how I react to things.

This sounds really good in theory... but when I tried to apply it, I couldn't still help but still feel hurt and upset.  Does anyone know how to put those words into practice?

[kenny66]

There certainly some things that we cant control, but some we can. Like avoiding people that hurt you.

Paranoia is a feature of some MI.

My flatmate is a paranoid schizophrenic and he can be of a view that people he meets are "out to get him". There's nothing right or wrong about that, that's just a feature of his particular MI.

Modifying his reaction to that involves rationalising his beliefs on that score. Talking him "down"pointing out the improbability of the person to have formed a negative view about him sometimes works.

We have both found it critical not to socialise or mix we people who intentionally hurt us. For people who are just insensitive or ignorant we both try and educate them to a certain extent about our particular MI.

Informing people about our illness and what  is symptomatic of, in our case, schizophrenia  has allowed others to make informed decisions to modify their behaviour and/or avoid those things that might trigger a paranoid response from us.

It is difficult to modify reaction to hurtful actions or words, as most responses to this are involuntary and emotional.

Affirming your own importance and value give confidence, making it possible to immunise yourself to hurtful comment comments from people who probably don't know you as a person at all,

[Former-Member]

I'm new here, thank you for this I appreciate what you have written. I get anxiety & depression due to long periods of pain, & stress. I need- kind & caring, understanding people in my life. 🙂

[Former-Member]

I think it all comes down to why you are getting these bouts of lack of motivation and ability to go to work.
My recommendation would be to go to a psychologist to sort out why it keeps cropping up?
You may have an unfulfilling job that you do not enjoy which maybe why you are struggling, we can only force ourselves to participate in something we find unpleasant for only so long. Or maybe you are getting depression/anxiety for another reason and work seems to be the first thing you struggle with when unwell.
I know for me personally after a severe bout of mental illness I struggled very significantly with getting out of bed, getting going and staying focused and engaged. I blamed it on lingering illness and laziness. 3 years later I'm coming off one of my meds, and surprise. Problem solved. I just wish I'd aired my concerns with my doctor 3 years ago instead of struggling and blaming myself for so long.
Maybe take notes of what you're thinking and feeling when this happens again and compare it to how you think and feel when it's not a problem. Maybe even keep a diary to see if a stressor is precipitating these bouts?
Hope that helps! 😊

[Former-Member]

I find it really hard to trust, and i often assume that people are thinking things that they probably arent about me. It is a hard skill to learn to question assumptions and beliefs that you're making in your thoughts, but it sounds like you are already on the road because you have accepted the idea of it and are starting to self reflect. I think the next step is probably to ask yourself some questions about the thinking, see if there's really any evidence for it or if there are other possibilities. It might also be helpful to see a psychologist of counsellor who can help you learn ways of doing this 'properly', i think its on the lines of CBT. but don't quote me on that. Its something that i still struggle and i'm much more able to think better at different times. 

Good luck

LJ

[Rosie]

Hello

I reckon its super-insightful that you have taken on what he said and then acknowledged your feelings about it.

It's true that you shouldn't worry about things you can't control and instead, control how you react to things you can't control. Have I ever tried to put this into practice?

I have read and saved a page about caring what people think. I think that is something that I care about that I can't control. http://thelucidplanet.com/4-steps-to-stop-worrying-what-other-people-think-of-you/ its by a psychologist, and it resonated with me.

I guess it gave me a new paradigm to think about it with.

That what people think about me is actually none of my business. This took away the ingrained idea that I could actually 'read' or 'know' what people were thinking of me. It also loosened the power the thinking-about-what-others-are-thinking-about-me had over me. I was assuming that people had ideas about me and then I would act on those ideas rather than reality! The reality that I don't actually know and can't actually control what othe people think about me....

Of course I still think about what people might be thinking about me, but questioning this a little bit has given me some ground to keep going (paranoia at work, fear of people who aren't open to schizophenia finding out about my illness, actually being a bit hopeless at work sometimes and the repercussions of my mistakes that I seem to make frequently).

Anyway, @CherryBomb said something that also resonated with me the other night. Sitting with discomfort. The feelings we get when we learn something new aren't always nice. And sometimes sitting with the discomfort allows the lesson to really sink in.

I hope this is helpful 🙂

Rosie

[Alessandra1992]

Dr Seuss has a wisdom that really cuts through the spiralling thoughts we can fall into.."Those who matter don't mind, and those who mind don't matter"
Which for me helped me to know the people who matter to me don't mind if I stumble along the way, whereas if I think anyone else may be judging me..well why should they matter?
On the proviso that I am courteous and considerate to everyone equally..or try to be...

[NikNik]

Ask Anything Monday!

Happy Monday everyone. Thanks to everyone who has responded with encouragement and advice.

This week's quesiton:

I experience intense social anxiety, but been able to avoid dealing with this as I've been in a relationship for a long time and haven't had to put myself out there in many social situations. When I have had to, I've had someone by my side who takes the pressure off a bit.

That relationship has recently ended.

It's taken some time to manage the break up, but the biggest hurdle is feeling very socially isolated. Currently I work in a social office, full of friendly and outgoing people. I have the urge to socialise with them, but then I get overwhelmed when they are in a room together because they know each other so well and I feel like the odd one out.

I don't work directly with them, so during lunch or cofee breaks is the only time we cross paths. I work up the courage to speak to them, but then quickly heat up my lunch and scurry back to my desk. I just can't break the cycle. I know I'm isolating myself and I don't want to be like this. I wish this anxiety would just float away.

How am I suppose to handle social situations when I can't even stand in the same room with a group of people?

[kenny66]

Enclosed spaces are a big issue for me and that feeling of being trapped difficult to deal with, as is being the one person, not yet integrated into the social group of workers.

Whilst not working, I did have a group of students at uni that I did want to socialise with.

I got around this in two ways.

I really focused on getting to know one of the guys who was in the group and got friendly with him first.

I am hoping that there is at least one of your co workers you can click with initially.

Don't try to interact with the whole group at once. It is too daunting.

I explained I was shy and he took that knowledge and slowly helped me get to know the group.

Secondly I went to an open air venue like a coffee shop for the first get to know you opportunity. The lack of an enclosed space was very helpful and let me take some short breaks making for a relatively non confronting experience.

[NikNik]

What an awesome response @kenny66 - great practical tips