Lived Experience Forum

[Tara22]

Thankyou lovely. The traumatic hospital visits In the months after were what triggered this I believe . I’ve not contacted sands as it got pushed aside at the beginning as I got so sick , it’s only now that I can look back and see that was the issue , once I build up the courage I’ll contact them. Thankyou

[Bow]

Hey @Tara22  I can relate to so much of what you have just shared…. So much. I didn’t mention in my previous post, I was diagnosed with BPD many many years ago, 15 or so yrs ago, although they say I don’t have it anymore and it’s more complex PTSD (they say they are very similar… at least an old psychiatrist said so.) I recall it being a hard diagnosis to accept, and if your not getting any support around that, then it’s going to be rough. It’s like dumping a bomb and then running and letting people pick up all the pieces. Google is good for some basic info and there is a good thread on here Raising Awareness of BPD - Flipping the Script 
But you do have a psychologist appointment next month yeah? It can feel like a long way away, but it will be here before you know it. I will send good wishes that the psychologist is a perfect fit for you, cause it can be hard to find someone that you gel with. 

I’ve been where you were recently many a time. Where you felt like your son would be better off without you. It’s a scary place to be. Intense. I’m glad your still here and I’m sure your son is glad your still here. Does your son know anything of what is going on for you? He is 12, so probably picks up on things. I hide a lot of it from my daughter, but it’s hard when police and ambulance turn up at the house. It’s hard when my daughter sobs as I am taken away. And I noticed changes in her behaviours when and for weeks after I’m in hospital.
Parenting is hard. Parenting with mental health struggles is even hard and parenting with mh issues and being a single parent is even harder. it’s difficult when we need to put our own health ahead of everything else so that we can ensure we are still around for our kids. I feel really guilty about having to go into hospital, I feel bad about leaving my parenting up to my parents. I miss my daughter terrible and with covid it means no visits. But I have to keep reminding myself that it’s better that I am in hospital AND safe, than my daughter not having a mum. What happened with your son when you were in hospital? 

I’ve had a support worker from the way back service. She was lovely. A peer worker. It makes such a huge difference talkin with someone who actually understands. 

Glad that you have found the forums.

hope today is ok for you 

🎀

[Backspin]

Hi there.

I am looking forward to sharing experience and help.

I have have had short bouts of depression in my 70 yrs but nothing like i have had in the last 2 yrs, i 

have not been medicated before but am now which is hard to accept and understand.

It started 2 yrs ago with the breakdown of my sons marriage which was one of the worst kind, a horror story , then a breakdown in my own relationship because my partner has daughters and no grandchildren.

I not sure how much is depression or anxiety also i do worry too much .

I also had to move from an area where i was happy.

Hope to share and help each other.

Love and blessing to all.

[LittleEvie]

Hello everybody 

Im new here today and have just come out of an emotional, mental and financially abusive marriage. 

I'm a introvert and find it very difficult to reach out or get help.

I had to leave my home and go live with my son and daughter in law with 2 bags of clothes , no identification and little money with no bank account.

I feel stupid and embarrassed to be in this position at my age and don't know what to do next. 

My sons have helped me so much with getting some of my identification back and helping me get a bank account but I dont want to feel like a big burden to them.

I have a hard time sleeping and even though im on antidepressants I still feel worthless as a human being.

I really dont know what to do and how to feel better about myself anymore.

[Backspin]

Hi LittleEvie.

The way you said your sons provide help and compassion means they love their mum and that you are a good and decent person.

It is only good and decent people that get hurt in this world.

God bless you and your sons.

Keep in touch.

[Jynx]

@LittleEvie hey welcome to the forums, I'm Jynx, one of the moderators. Just stopping by to offer a bit of support 💜

From what I'm reading of your situation, it seems to me you are very brave. But maybe it doesn't feel like it right now. Sounds like you have quite a lot of things you're concerned about, not the least of which is wondering how you are supposed to get to the other side of this and feel more yourself again. I imagine that to be a pretty scary place to be. 

These things do take time though, and it's really awesome you have come to try to connect with others and get some support. This is a super caring community and I'm sure you'll find others here who can relate to what you're going through. We're here for you 😊

[Tara22]

Hi @Bow I’m having a real tough night actually  , I had a close friend come stay here and look after my son for the most recent hospital stay, but as I found out tonight , she had gone through my cabinets and thrown all my meds away , which 2 of them I need right now ,as since the miscarriage, I’ve struggled with extremely bad heavy painful periods and mine arrived today and I have no pain meds or anything and I live over half hour from the closest town And hospital . I’m in so much pain and discomfort tonight and then the tears started And the uncontrollable feelings of hopelessness arrived , I’ve come on here to distract myself from my own thoughts , pretty sad huh!?  I really want to stay for my boy , but I’m so scared when I get like this it feels so uncontrollable . I tried to listen to a meditation but was so distressed I just threw my phone across the room. I’ve never been an angry person but all of a sudden these urges come and I start throwing stuff out of anger and frustration . 
I hate it . I hate myself .  How do you get through these horrible dark moments ? I’m struggling to even fight anymore . 

[Bow]

Oh that sucks @Tara22  nice of your friend to think of you like that and be concerned for you safety, but yeah terrible timing. 
coming on here and having a vent helps. Knowing that I’m not alone amongst some lovely friends. Jumping on a helpline. Giving my daughter some extra hugs, sometimes I let her sleep in my bed, helps keep me safe. 

[Tara22]

I turned to my son tonight for comfort and all I was met with was a disgruntled look on his face and a grunt as he was playing a game and I was obviously interrupting ... he’s a pre teen and I expect nothing more but when I feel like this I feel like I just need a hug and someone to say it’s going to be ok . Neither I will get willingly from my boy unfortunately . I know he loves me but Im

feeling very unloved and alone right now . 

enjoy those cuddles from your little one... as they don’t last forever 😞  I miss that age terribly . 

take care and thanks for listening to me x 

[Sirius]

Hi @Tara22 

Welcome to the forums! My name is Sirius, one of the SANE peer support workers, it's nice to e-meet you. 😊

I can hear that you’re having a tough night tonight – coming home from the hospital to discover your medication had been thrown away must have felt just plain awful, leaving you feeling quite distressed given how much pain you're in.

I firstly want to acknowledge that I'm very sorry for your loss and I admire the strength it takes to reach out for support here in the forums - I can also see that @Bow has shared some pearls of wisdom with you too. 😊 Additionally, I would also like to gently check in and advise that if your pain reaches a level that becomes too uncomfortable to bear to please call the emergency services number: 000 for immediate medical assistance.

There's nothing sad about keeping yourself distracted here on the forums. There's a wealth of information and infinite support right here for you. If you're open to the suggestion (and can manage the level of pain you're in right now), our SANE counsellors are available for a 1-on-1 chat. The SANE Help Centre is open from 10am - 10pm, Monday to Friday, their number is 1800 187 263. Please know all of the SANE counsellors are training to provide a non-judgemental and confidential session with the opportunity to explore your challenges and provide strategies for longer term help.

Please go gently with yourself @Tara22 . We are all here to support you.

Take care 💜

Sirius ✨