Lived Experience Forum

[JF10]

Hi, first time poster here. Well, here goes nothing. I've recently gotten a job after 3 years of being unemployed. I tend to lose my jobs due to my anxiety and how my anxiety interferes with managing stress at work. After a long period of time being unemployed, I finally found a job which matched my values. Values as in helping those in need and being passionate in assisting customers to ensure that they get the most satisfying customer service experience possible. I love helping others and enjoy going above and beyond for those in need of assistance. Having a found a company which values these beliefs, I was so happy to not only have gotten a job after all this time but to have a job which allows me to pursue my passion in helping others. I apologize for the long explanation but I wanted to give some context. Anyway, it's being 3 months into the job now and I am at a breaking point. Not with the job itself. I found it quite enjoyable. But with my team leader who manages me. The constant reminders of my flaws and how committed I am to the job is brought up each time we have a discussion/meeting together. How I have used up my sick leave due to my physical and mental health and need to have a medical certificate to back me up should I take anymore sick leave. How I have asked to do other tasks such as emails instead of taking calls because of my health reasons and mental health. How I should consider long and hard about whether this is the right job for me after I had a panic attack after dealing with frustrating customers during the last week. The constant reminders of things he has mentioned repeatedly over and over not only made me feel guilty, and shameful but it made me feel even more worst than what I was already feeling. His lack of support and determination to make me feel horrible allowed me to first contemplate ending my life last Thursday. Then after another horrible meeting with my TL on Monday and overthinking everything we discussed over and over, I attempted to take my life on Tuesday morning. I was at my limit, seeing no way out from this mental and emotional pain, self harm was the only viable solution at the time to relieve me of this pain. I wanted the emotional and mental pain and the overthinking to stop. I would rather have felt and endure the physical pain of self harming and leaving this world then to have to endure the emotional pain any longer. I didn't want to die at that time, I just wanted the emotional pain to stop. I admitted myself into hospital and now at home with the support of my family. I don't know if anyone on this forum has endured and reach their limit to go as far as to think about and take the actual steps to end their life. Any insights or similar experiences would be great to hear and some understanding of what I am going through and whether others out there have ever reached this point in their life. 

[Rregz]

Hello 

Hope you are doing well mate. Dont feel alone, ive been there too. I would also like to know feedback from someone with experience on this. Sending you positive vibes.🤙

[Zoe7]

Have reached that point in my life several times @JF10 - with several failed attempts and a long time of having suicide idealisation and self harm. I not only wanted the pain to stop but could not see any way out. I did however have a great team around me - and the wonderful people here - to help me through. Do you have supports in place that you can talk to about the work situation and how you are feeling? Also do you have someone above this manager that you can talk to about how he is treating you? I know this sometimes makes the situation worse but if he is not managing his employees with respect then there are systems in place at most companies to deal with that.

Unfortunately mental health issues are still treated quite badly in some sectors (unlike physical injuries or illnesses) - it is not right but stigma still very much exists in a lot of areas. Does you company have a mental health and well being policy? It is becoming much more common place and might be worth looking into. If it does and your manager is not following it then he may be the one needing education here.

It is never nice to be dealing with the constant questioning or put downs though - and you certainly should not be made to feel as you do  I would also suggest you ask this manager to put his concerns in writing so you have a record of them into the future - this is not for his benefit but for yours. 

I am so glad you have the support of your family right now and hope you are able to talk to them to help you through this tough time.

[AussieRecharger]

Hey @JF10 

I can totally relate, doing a job you love and the politics take away from the pride and accomplishment you are establishing. I had many years of office politics that lead to huge amount of axiety and i still have issues working in area's where their are a lot of politics, most of the time i quit within 3 months as its not worth my time.  I know who i am, and if they hired me to bring me down rather than build me up, then they are the wrong company for me.  I know what i live for and its not to put up with other people making me feel crap so they can feel good.   

That's why I love to post here, much fewer politics and I can help people directly. 

My concern for you is you have put all this focus on work, do you have social connections outside of work, do you have a good connection with your family?  

Your purpose in life is much greater than just going to work and helping people for 7.5 hours a day.  What are these values you mention and why is it so important to you that your life must end if you can't apply them for 7.5 hours per day?

Surely there are ways for you to find success and apply these values that does not cost you the stress of putting a weekly wage on them.

[wellwellwellnez]

Your words echo in my heart so much. I love that you're the type to do not just the right thing but for the right reasons. Thank you so much for taking the step to preserve yourself because we need you.

Not only that but you have needs to. Not just so you can be your best you but because you a already worth it all on your own. I recommend, amongst othe things, emotional outlet. Genuinity is a powerful emotion. It's the kind of energy that can't and shouldn't be contained.

Also, therapists are hesitant to recomend this, but re: self harm I'd consider a degree of rage room protocol. Better to externalise to something disposable and employing some safety provisions (if you can). Having said, therapists don't recommend it as they're a bit worried that it would enforce a whole new thing to deal with. So, I wouldn't make any sort ritual around that sort of thing. Just a slightly better way of dealing with things when they get too much.

Really, raging doesn't even have to "breaking stuff". It can be screaming, singing, hip-hop, prayer, violin, butoh dancing, playing snakes and ladders (for keeps), and so on.