Lived Experience Forum

[BlueBay]

I;m not sure if I am meant to reply here:

I am so anxious as to what to say.  We have been married for 30 years this year.  There is so much mixed emotions about this topic, I am trying to be more open with my husband but each time I go to bed I feel so anxious because I know what will happen.  I feel that if I tell him he will be upset and hate me; i struggle with a lot at the moment.  I just don't know where to start.

There are so many people on here with similar issue, I always thought 'i was the only one'.

[suzanne]

HI @BlueBay, I'm so glad you can join us.  No, not alone at all.  This is a bold statement but I'd even hazard a guess that you're in the majority of people in long-term relationships. 

It sounds important to have some sort of conversation if you have daily anxiety about it.  One way in would be to do some research into what might be happening for you physically.  Back to the Catalyst programme, the presenter had her hormone levels tested and she was found to have much lower testosterone than is needed for a healthy sex drive.  I mention this, not to say that there isn't more going on here, but your husband might find it easier to understand a phyiscal issue than a psychological one.  It's something less personal to him.

But then, once the conversation has started, it would be good to talk about how you are impacted by this emotionally.  It's important to reassure him as he's likely to interpret this as more about himself than you.  Sometimes people decide to have these conversations within counselling just to make sure they don't degenerate into something hurtful.  It's not always necessary though.

I hope some of that makes sense or feels useful.

[notmyrealname]

Thanks @suzanne

A couple of years ago I started a big life change, and a medication change.  The medication change diminished, and then eliminated, my libido.  The life change brought a lot of deeply internalised, deeply buried poison to the surface where it was now pointed directly at myself (instead of vaguely elsewhere, where it could be somewhat ignored).  The two combined dried up my sex life with my partner.

I did nothing, said nothing.  I buried my head in the sand, and hoped it would somehow get better.

My silence tapped into my partner's own insecurities.  Repeated pleas for me to at least just talk -- to my partner, to my therapist, anything -- appeared to be ignored.  I couldn't even talk about why I couldn't talk about it for a very long time.  It looked very much like I didn't care that our sex life had dried up, that I didn't care how much pain my silence was causing.  It's destroying us.

I'm starting to be able to work through it.  I'm starting to be able to talk to my therapist about it.  I can somewhat talk to my partner about it, though I have immense difficulty initiating discussion and tend to go blank, like I did initially in the thread.  (Which of course looks like lack of interest, if it never comes up until they bring it up.)

I don't know what exactly I'm asking here.  I guess I'm contextualising my original question:  can you suggest any tactics towards building comfort with sexuality?

[Shaz51]

Hello everyone @suzanne, @NikNik, @Mazarita, @Aonaran, @BlueBay, sorry i am late

sometime everything else takes over in llfe , that we need to turn everything off and get back to each other

[NikNik]

Welcome @Shaz51
Great to see you!

[NikNik]

Just flagging we have about 10 mins left 🙂

[suzanne]

I'm so glad you replied @notmyrealname.  Thank you for sharing your experiences.  At risk of repeating myself - you are making progress.  It's always slower than we want.

There's some good info around about sensate focus where you start with non-sexual physical intimacy (first on your own and then with your partner) and then build to more intimate touching.  It can be a slow and gradual as you need.

Could you look into that?

[Mazarita]

Thanks so much @suzanne, @NikNik and everyone for this conversation tonight. Signing off for now. Best wishes to all.

[Appleblossom]

Today, I had a lovely hour long conversation with my son about gender attitudes towards each other. 

A complementary match would be great

.

[BlueBay]

Thanks @suzanne

I think I will see my GP to have a blood test to check my hormones. That might be a bit easier to talk about to my husband.  I have actually seen a sex therapist but I can't even talk to him about anything intimate at all.  It is such a personal issue, I feel embarassed, ashamed and feel anxious talking about anything relating to sex.  For the first 5 years of our marriage we had sex all the time to have children.  I couldn't fall pregnant so to me, having sex to fall pregnant, was like a 'job'.  I felt like I was just being intimate and having sex just to get pregnant.  Then the child abuse memories came out a few years ago and it all started again.