Lived Experience Forum

[Eden1919]

last night something triggered my eating disorder really intensely and idk what it was that triggered it but now all i cant think about is the eating disorder thoughts and things it wants me to do and like idk what to do anymore i am too tired to fight with it anymore but idk how i am going to explain the change to my support workers and i know everyone will be happy if i am not eating anymore because i am overweight so that is all people see of me anyway i am just really struggling a lot at the moment and idk what else to do. 

[Eden1919]

Fuck this the one food I was going to let myself eat today and the shop doesn't even have it I am going to scream. 

[Jynx]

Hey @Eden1919 I'm really sorry to hear that this has all started up for you, and sounds like it was very sudden/out of the blue. Sucks that the 'safe' food of choice wasn't available for you! 

Sounds as though this isn't totally unfamiliar territory for you, what sort of things have been helpful in the past? 

[Eden1919]

@Jynx  nothing has helped in the past i have tried so many things and everything just makes it worse and more intense.

i have spent all day focusing on eating disordered behaviours and i cant seem to stop doing certain things which i cannot mention on here but i am exhausted and yet i still feel the need to continue like nothing is ever enough and idk how to make everything ok. i am struggling a lot but everyone just keeps saying they hope i lose weight idk anyway i am just having a hard time. 

[Jynx]

Aww hun, that's so rough @Eden1919 - I'm sorry that people have been saying that to you! It's so deeply unfair, and completely ignorant of your feelings and needs. 

I wish I had a solution for you, or could take this pain away somehow. Is it something you could speak to your supports about? Have you ever had luck with The Butterfly Foundation? Sending some hugs darlin 💜🫂

[Eden1919]

@Jynx  i have tried the butterfly foundation and they were ok but it takes forever to get through to them and i dont have all day to sit around waiting for a phone call back from them. especially when they dont usually have anything super helpful to say but just listen and listening is fine sometimes but they havent given me any new information before so like waiting all day for a listening ear isnt always worth it. but that is just my experience. 

i ate dinner and now i feel terrible idk what to do anymore like i was feeling better because i didnt have takeaway but now it still feels like i had too much and shouldnt have had it. idk i just feel like shit and i cant seem to make anything better. 

[Jasper_123]

Hi @Eden1919 , 

from my understanding, eating disorder are not usually about food or weight itself but are more about having control. Has something of late made you feel like you are not in control? Has somebody commented on your weight? I'm sorry that you are struggling with disordered eating right now - Do you see any health profesionals to assist you? 

[Jynx]

That's fair enough @Eden1919 - I can understand wanting to avoid the hassle. You could always weigh up the trade-off: whether the effort required is worth it for the chance to feel heard. But if that's not what you need right now, that's understandable. 

I reckon @Jasper_123 is right, from my experience and what I've read, EDs are often about control. Are there some other aspect of your life that feel out of control right now? Are there other ways to help you regain a sense of control that are not related to food, where you could help get that sense of self-empowerment? 

Here for you hun, sending some hugs your way 💜🫂

[Eden1919]

@Jynx @Jasper_123  i think a lot of things feel out of control at the moment but not more than usual i am really not sure what has triggered it to be honest like i cant think of anything specific but this does just happen sometimes i go through phases where it gets very intense and then eventually tapers off a little but yeah at the moment it is very intense and i cant seem to get a handle on it. 

today was a struggle again i am still doing a lot of eating disorder behaviours i cant mention on here and i am exhausted but i cant sleep properly either like i am sleeping less than usual i mean i am still sleeping enough i suppose but i usually sleep too much so it is weird sleeping less but anyway i am hungry all the time and i cannot eat and i feel a little weak sometimes i mean i am having enough not to pass out so like it is fine i just ugh anyway idk what to do anymore everything is too much. 

[Jynx]

A very challenging time for you @Eden1919 - perhaps knowing that it has subsided in the past can help you to hold on to hope, and know within yourself that it will subside again. 

@Bow shared this with me (I hope it's okay to tag you Bow!) - could be helpful, as an alternative to Butterfly Foundation? 
Centre for Clinical Intervention - EDs

You're not alone hun, and whilst I imagine it might be frustrating and scary to have this rearing its head in your life, I believe in your ability to get through this! Just take it one step, one day at a time 🤞💜