Spinning spinning…

[petrichor]

Hi Rhye,

im not ok. I’m tired. Tired of having to hide who I am and I’m scared of the future and if I will find a purpose, direction, a home and stability again.
I’m safe. 

[Former-Member]

Thank you for letting us know you're safe @petrichor, but I'm sorry you're sitting in that space today. Purpose, a home and stability are three core needs we all deserve, so it makes total sense that you'd be feeling these feelings atm. 

Do you feel like you might be able to start to sit with just one of these 3? Im wondering if you'd be up for thinking through what purpose means for you. No pressure at all though, sometimes you just need to feel, and that is totally okay too.

Rhye ☘️

[petrichor]

@Former-Member  I’ve worked on finding a purpose for years. Since I lost my former life, I have found no purpose. I’m trying to live with that.

[petrichor]

Hi @Former-Member 

 when I say I’ve worked on finding my purpose, I really have. I looked at what I used to do and how that equated into my values and after a few years I was able to pinpoint my top 5 values that I would like to live from. it was a lot of work to get there and then I worked on how I would implement these values and what it would look like (I did 20 years of coaching before I lost my job). Unfortunately I don’t have the capacity or opportunity to implement my values and my family is spread all over, I haven’t seen my kids in years. I have tried baby steps but my mental health is not stable enough to even commit for an hour a weeks. That is a great source of frustration as I worked 60+ hours a week, nationally and internationally most of my adult life. Work and family were my purpose back then. I don’t have that now. What keeps me here when things go dark is that I don’t want to hurt others, I’ve seen how others hurt when my friend died. But that’s all a far away reason when I don’t feel the world. 
what I’m trying to say is that my little world and reasons to live are very fragile. I don’t have reasons to live for myself. It’s not because I say to myself I’m useless etc and that life doesn’t have to offer me anything… most of the time I just don’t like living with myself. I won’t write about self harm here. It sometimes just distracts the mind, it doesn’t help, it’s just a distraction. I do feel ungrateful for everything I have. I am very lucky and I have everything I need. I don’t live in a war torn country, I live in Australia and we are safe here, even if I feel scared all the time. 
take care @Former-Member 

Thank you @Appleblossom @for chatting to me

[petrichor]

I write all these smart things and then I just feel absolutely hopeless. What’s the use? 

[petrichor]

I’ve been told all of my life that if I don’t put my intelligence to use I’m stupid. Well I guess I’m stupid now. It’s not about other people it’s just that I’ve got a brain that doesn’t function anymore and I could just smash it against the wall every single day. And I’m not talking rhetorically.

[Appleblossom]

My pleasure@petrichor 

It was weird for me that you mentioned fruit bats ... It was a positive memory for me of one who had suicided... a bit synchronistic, but I do not want to make it all about me. 

I am hearing that you have done a lot of different work.  Emotional work on self.  Been successful in career and attempt to make responsible decisions and are sensitive to the negative impacts of self harm and suicide.  I have a high functioning side and a very very damaged side.  Both are true. So its a Me too without the hashtag ... lol ... I am too old to be in that generation ....and do not relate to thier concept.

It can be a problem when MH professionals do not realise how much work we may have done.   Possibly the MH professional is young and been supported irl, and has some airy goodwill towards others, but insufficent grit of imagination and understanding of historical realities to offer adequate apppropriate strategies.  Real psychosocial help sees the whole picture without collapsing into moral judgment or impatience about progress.  

It has helped me to talk and be involved in the Sane forum. 

[petrichor]

Hi @Appleblossom 

i hope it was a nice memory.

i never thought about the high functioning and the very very damaged side when it comes to suicidal thoughts. I’m still trying to accept that the different people in me are me, but I wouldn’t be able to categorise them. How do your sides talk to each other?

[petrichor]

Hi, good morning,

I’m looking for ideas, activities etc. I’m starting to feel very unwell and I want to get better. I don’t want to go back to hospital. 
what do you do?

[petrichor]

I really need some help please