Lived Experience Forum

[Epiphany]

Hello. I'm new here. This is my first post. 

I've been in an on again off again relationship for five years. Last year he broke up with me again, and this time he has moved seven hours away. We are back together but now doing long distance. I've learned that while broken up for three months, he jumped into a rebound relationship for two of those months. I know we were broken up, but it still hurts me. 

Now trying to discuss our future plans with him, I feel I'm walking on eggshells. I'm so afraid it's going to happen again. 

My mental health is severely suffering. I'm so anxious and fearful. I struggling to regulate my emotions. I catch myself talking to myself in nasty ugly ways. I'm lashing out mostly at myself in private. I'm crying, screaming at myself, sobbing and on really bad days I'm just sitting and rocking back and forth. I hate my life. I feel so stuck. I want a happy future so much, but don't know how. I pretend I'm ok with my family and especially with him as much as possible. When I've had days that the cracks have shown to him, I quickly scramble to apologize and keep him happy. I don't know what to do. I am safe, just truly miserable, lonely, sad and don't like myself much. 

[tyme]

Dear @Epiphany ,

Firstly, welcome to the forums.

I'm sorry to hear that things are so tough for you at the moment. Thank you for letting us know you are safe. It sounds like these feelings have been around for a while now. Have you spoken to a GP about it?

Sorry for asking so many questions, but do you feel you have someone you trust that you can speak to about this?

For me, true satisfaction had to start from within. Otherwise, I found myself just being so up and down like a yo-yo, and terribly unstable. Thank goodness I had a very good therapist I could speak to.

I'd encourage you to also have a look at our other services such as our counselling helpline. You can contact them M-F 10am-10pm on 1800 187 263 or go to https://www.sane.org/counselling-support/sane-support-services

Please know you are not alone.

Sitting with you,

tyme

[Epiphany]

Thank you for your response. I have felt this way for a long time. I've been in and out of counselling and been diagnosed with PTSD. I'm also on hormone replacement therapy. I'm really struggling

[tyme]

Hey @Epiphany ,

Sounds like there's so many elements at play here. 

Have you been able to speak to you GP about how you've been feeling? It could have something to do with your hormone replacement therapy, thyroid or anything else. I'm not a dr, so I can't really say much more.

With a clearer picture, hopefully you can continue with some sort of psychotherapy. You don't deserve to stay in a ditch. 

Do you think you could speak to your GP about it?

My heart goes out to you,

tyme

[Epiphany]

I can make an appointment with the GP. I feel so lost & questioning my worth and what's it all for. Life is miserable. I speak to my b/friend on the phone, but makes me wrong and that he's annoyed I'm asking for some comfort and support. Makes me sadder than I've ever been in life

[maddison]

Hi @Epiphany 

I really like your user name. 💜

Welcome to the forums. I hope you can find some support here. There are many lovely people. As @tyme  mentioned, you are not alone. 

I have also been in relationships where I felt as you have described. For me, it was exactly as @tyme  describes. I needed to find my own person, from inside. 

It takes time, be gentle on yourself. 

Sending you ☮️ & 💪

[SmilingGecko]

Hello @Epiphany welcome to the forums.  Most psychologists would call a relationship like yours as abusive given the effect it has on a person emotionally. It sounds unstable and where you don't have the ability to feel secure safe and loved. I don't think its worth getting involved hoping he will eventually change. He is so far away now anyway. If I were you I would cut my losses and walk away from him and his habitual patterns on again off again romances. You deserve better Epiphany.  My advice is to quit hoping and get real with what this man is doing to your feelings and having rebound affairs as if you didn't matter in the past. Just walk away and find someone with whom you can share a devoted and loving union, someone who is prepared to offer you something better ❤️

[tyme]

Hi @Epiphany ,

How are things going for you today? 

From what I read, there’s a lot on your mind. 

I hope you will be able to find some space to love yourself first and foremost. Perhaps the rest will take its course.

Thinking of you,

tyme