Lived Experience Forum

[Gillie1]

I'm really tired of people saying I hallucinate or am paranoid every time they are trying to hide their lies flaws or games but when I clearly enunciate and point out the flaws of their story they insinuate I'm too sharp to have a mental illness. That I'm just a malingerer or worse. They can't have it both ways.

I'm back in hospital not that there's any hope I just don't have enough anger in me to stop caring that people would be hurt if I died.

My anger is overwhelming there's just no way to express it. It's been a miasma of poison today. I'm feeling trapped stuck with people around squeezing me into a shape I don't fit into. I'm trying to respond not react but I don't know what to do. So I do nothing effective just self implode. 

[tyme]

Hi @Gillie1 ,

I'm sorry to hear you are in hospital again. I can hear how my anger, hurt and frustration there is. 

Please know you are not alone. We are sitting with you. We hear it is so hard right now.

[Former-Member]

@Gillie1 @tyme 

Hi Gillie1

Sorry to hear you are in hospital.

I understand you are in a no win situation as they want it both ways.

I hope you can find inner strength to cope with the situation.

I hope you use the hospital stay to realise the others are not there and relax.

Worry about home later. Treat the hospital as a holiday or break.

Thoughts are with you

[Gillie1]

@Former-Member @tyme 

Thanks guys.

Trauma responses can make you emotionally intense, make you regress or just shut down physically but Trauma can also sharpen your awareness at the same time, sharpen your intellect and experience gives you meaning. So people end up messing with someone who appears emotionally immature and dramatic and think.

1. that means I'm always like that and

2. They can spin whatever they want because it will go over my head. Or

3. No one will believe me. 

All very uninformed and frankly dumb assumptions. Very toxic and destructive assumptions. For me and them. Assumptions that put me in impossible situations. Do I challenge? ignore? respond? and how? I don't generally know what to.

[Former-Member]

Hi @Gillie1 @tyme 

I am glad you see your options on ways to respond.

I think you need to think what has worked and failed in the past. It is known, someone with a "broken arm" will get symathy, sore backs and mental health are unseen and lack the same support.

I myself stopped telling people things because if they cannot see it and have not lived it, they either do not believe it, or have you thought they do not understand it?

Maybe they do not understand it?

Do you think we put too much emhasis on everyone believing us?

We hope those close will. Sometimes they need a break in empathy. 

I hope you found some time to shift focus.

We are with you on this.

Take care.

[Appleblossom]

Hey @Gillie1 

No good things got bad enough to go to hospital. Hope it is the best place for you right now.

Hearing you re seeing through social interactions and games. It is chronic and typical and the world really is a mad world.  Getting clear on what the dynamics are, the reasons to be in the relationships, work out cost benefit issues as to what is worth perservering with and what is best to let go, seems key...

My last few sessions with my counsellor have been sifting my social cirumcstances.  Your post resonates with my struggles of yesterday and today.  Coming to terms with being used to white wash someone else and things twisted to blame me and mental illness.  Yeah So over that, but so common.  Write down your stuff so when the overwhelms drops down and you are at a more steady stage and managing better, you can follow  through insights.decisions if necessary.  Grieving an old relationship that was suckinig me dry and would never meet my sense and desire for genuine friendship.  I took prn but was still unable to stop tears during counselling, but at least this counsellor is there and with me, engaging and trying to affirm me and come up with good metaphors and strategies.

Take Care

Check with in with forum folk if it helps. It has helped me.

[Gillie1]

@Appleblossom @Former-Member @tyme .

Cookie and I are both home safe. Cookie got spayed today and is sleeping comfortably on my lap. I was lucky that we had organized a full day shift with a support worker to take care of Cookie so I had someone to de stress with. It helped me get some perspective. We are both exhausted. 

Once I got inside and in a bed things got better. We have time to reset now.

@Appleblossom I love metaphors they can help express and clarify within myself and with others. There's a reason why Jesus spoke in parables. "He who has an ear etc" Those who can connect to meanings in metaphors and parables comprehend the concepts much more deeply than if they were just told outright. 

It's really tough to hold onto your truth when you really want to connect and fit but others especially those you care for or who have influence tell you otherwise. It not only hurts it damages the self in a way that takes time to heal. Sounds like you are doing some heavy lifting to heal. I'm sorry you have been struggling it's hard to let go of the influence people have had even after you let go of them. Take care.

"The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it."

Terry Pratchett, Diggers 

I am only starting on the journey but am starting. SANE has been so incredible for me. The honesty and openness of peoples struggles has been eye opening. It gives perspective, hope, and the lifting the veil of peoples reality behind their public faces. Common ground and experiences.

[Former-Member]

@Gillie1 @Appleblossom @tyme 

Hi at Gillie1

Thanks for the update and pleased Cookie is in your lap. Dogs are great company.

Glad to see appleblossoms reply resonated with you.

I agree open minds and saying too much can bring harm.

I agree this forum is easier to express thoughts. The forums seem open and a range of ideas.

I am glad you are feeling better

[Gillie1]

@Former-Member I hear you about saying too much. I struggle to find the balance. It can give those with closed minds ammunition. I know however that if I don't find my voice then I let others control my story

That works great when I am strong and clear. Not so great when I get lost. 

I'm still working on it but thanks for the reminder. 

[Former-Member]

Hi @Gillie1 

Re: I hear you about saying too much. I struggle to find the balance. It can give those with closed minds ammunition. I know however that if I don't find my voice then I let others control my story

When you say if you dont find your voice, then you let others control your story, without your voice they have no ammunition.

They cannot twist words not spoken.

It gets to 2 sayings.

If one fool argues with another fool they are both fools

And

Even if a fool keeps his mouth shut he seems intelligent.

I say little. I cannot stop what others think about me. But if l argue with them, others may agree l have an issue. If l do not say anything, they cannot say "you said this or that"

I understand people want to tell others. But gossip is nasty and can get out of hand.

The loudest does not win the issue. The stronger one knows when to ignore the noise