Riding a wave

[CheerBear]

Hi again @Phoenix_Rising. Coming past to say hi even though I don't think you're here, here right now. I hope your day has been a decent one ☺

The pocket crew, Pokey the unicorn (named after her horn met with my eye while we were sitting today), and I went and did a BBQ fundraiser today. It was fun and we made enough to really help out with some school things.

I know you're finding the fun in Christmas but I wanted to check whether you like Santa (I am guessing you do but I am not sure). The LF and I are getting our jingle on and are planning on meeting him tomorrow and I was wondering whether you would like to come in the pocket in my handbag? I am thinking that they're going yo be all hyped up and funny which is what they've done for years and is shown in their Santa photo making it very cute.

Waving hi and bye as I go by. Hope your evening is ok ☺

[Phoenix_Rising]

@CheerBear Santa will be fun. 😊

[Zoe7]

@Phoenix_Rising a quick fly-by to (hopefully) add some colour into your night.... 

[Faith-and-Hope]

Gorgeous @Zoe7 ..... ❣️

[CheerBear]

Hi @Phoenix_Rising. Calling past with a hi and to say that I hope you had fun today. We did end up getting to meet Santa, despite a hiccup moment involving me popping a tyre - grrrr. It didn't throw the whole day out as it could have which is good. It was a big day but a nice one.

As I think you heard through the giggles and chatty plans, this year the fish decided to each take along a special stuffed someone (which was kind of strange timing considering I did the same with someone in my handbag and hadn't mentioned that to them - almost creepy!). They were a little more chill than usual (one still stood up on the chair behind Santa and plonked their special somone on his head 😄 ). We jingled and had fun. It was great to have pocket company as I really miss being able to share this stuff around like I used to, so it's nice to be able to during the moment as it happens.

I'm about to do the Sunday night tidy up thing and then head to bed to watch something rubbish as I am very tired. I hope today has been a good one for you and you sleep well tonight.

Night Phoenix_Rising and anyone on the ocean tonight 🙂

[Phoenix_Rising]

@CheerBear today was super fun with you and the LF - so totally together yet not. 😊 You are the best not friend ever and you have the coolest LF ever!

[Zoe7]

@Phoenix_Rising 

[CheerBear]

Hi @Phoenix_Rising. Missing you, thinking of you and wondering how you're going. That's all really.

[Former-Member]

Hi @Phoenix_Rising

Just letting you know that The Little Mermaid is watching over the ocean tonight tonight, Little Turtle.

[Phoenix_Rising]

Hi @CheerBear,

I am missing you too. I will be heading off to bed soon, but I will reappear tomorrow morning. I am SUPER struggling, CheerBear. I truly believe that my soul has died. Between the Forum Land muddle, and my turtle whisperer dumping me, I think the final shreds of my attachment system have disintegrated into nothingness. 

Last Thursday I showed TTT, Forum Land. I showed her you and told her that you are the only person I feel any sort of emotional connection to. She asked if I meant the only person in Forum Land, or the only person anywhere. It threw me off balance a bit and I said that I wasn't sure. But I've been reflecting on it since, and the more I think about it, the more I realise that yep, you are the only person on the planet that I feel a connection with. At least, you are the only person I feel a connection with, who actually wants to engage with me. There are a LOT of people that I love...but none of them want me in their life. 

Everyone's gone, CheerBear. EVERYONE has gone. Everyone goes, and I don't understand why. I emailed my turtle whisperer's boss today to try and make more sense of why my turtle whisperer dumped me, and I got a "we aren't going to discuss it anymore" type response. So once again, I'm just sitting here utterly bewildered about what it is that I do wrong, that makes everyone leave. 

I could LEARN, CheerBear, if someone would just take the time to teach me. TTT isn't going to be able to explain it to me because she doesn't know the situation. This is always the problem - only the person who leaves (and in this case, her boss) truly knows why they leave, and they never explain. And then anyone else that I try to ask gives me a "well I can't speak for so-and-so..." type response. And that is how it is that I am 40 years old, no one can stand being around me, and I don't have the remotest idea why. How does anyone live with that, CheerBear. How do I live with that???

I could have very happily not checked in here tonight. You are the only reason I am here. People really scare me now, CheerBear. Every time someone leaves, it hurts SO MUCH. I have narrowed my world hugely to avoid getting hurt. I know I'll never do the friend thing again. The only people I engage with are health professionals - and they keep hurting me too. TTT is definitely the last mental health professional I will try. I am super sure that she is the right match, but now I am wondering exactly what "getting better" is going to look like. She knows that my goal in therapy is to get into employment. Whether that is a realistic goal or not, I have no idea - and neither would she right now because she knows only the barest details of my story. I so badly wish I didn't have to wait until the 11th of January to see her again.

Anyway, how was your day? I will wander over there --> to see if you have written about it. Thank you SO much for being my not-friend. Your unicorn's name made me giggle. Those unicorns can be dangerous critters! Just remember not to play leap frog with her!