Riding a wave

[Phoenix_Rising]

Hi @NikNik,

Can I please tell you something? Last night I was SUPER struggling with a giant wave of suicidal ideation and I was lying in bed riding it out, as I do. While I was daydreaming about suiciding, the picture that you posted on Friday night popped into my brain - it's the one of you searching for me out in the ocean. It made me SUPER cry and...it kind-of made me angry at you because I know that I am in a different space to where I was when I arrived in Forum Land in January. Back then I knew I was completely free to suicide at any time I chose, without anyone even knowing, much less caring. I know I posted here more than once about the immense sense of freedom that I had, knowing that there was no-one to know or care if I suicided.

The fact that you came searching for me when I didn't appear at FF on Friday tells me that I am not in that space anymore. I know that you and a whole bunch of people around here truly do care about me and would notice if I disappeared. I feel mad at you for caring about me. I feel mad at you for popping into my brain when I was daydreaming about suiciding. I feel mad at you for giving me a reason to live when my world is in such a muddle. I just wanted to tell you that.

Anyway, so I saw (A) this morning. Why is my world so absurd? (A), my GP and I all agree that I need to try and find therapist-take-eleven...but I have no idea how to do it. We all also agree that until I find the mythical therapist-take-eleven it is safer to stay with (A) than to sack her because it is better to have someone than no one. So...I am currently seeing a psychologist who we all agree can't help me...but it is safer to stay than to leave. How can I possibly POSSIBLY be in this situation after all the effort of getting away from "Fred."

I feel so stuck! I guess (A) and my GP are feeling equally stuck. If (A) can just avoid doing harm, that will help. I super don't understand why we can't connect...but I know if it hasn't happened now after six months, it isn't going to happen. Today's session was a non-event. I lay under the blanket and (A) put her hand on my back, which makes me feel super calm. There was a LOT of silence in the session - which I liked. The non-silent bits consisted mostly of (A) reflecting back everything I said. I find that infuriating but I accept that this is what a good session with (A) looks like. I figure she defaults to using the micro-counselling skills because she is so anxious. There is no genuine connection between us at all and I can see that she does the whole reflecting thing because she needs to say SOMETHING.

I feel super hopeless. I know I need to find someone new, but I simply don't know how to do that. I simply don't know how.

Night @NikNik. Thank you for watching over the ocean, and thank you for caring about me...I suppose.

[Phoenix_Rising]

@Former-Member I am curled up in the car outside my GP's office. She told me she doesn't know when she will get a chance to call the therapists I have shortlisted and I went into spectacular meltdown. I am regulated now but SO tired and SO hopeless. I so very very badly wish I had a "friend or family" person who could help me make these calls. I am frustrated that I wasn't able to find an email address for most of them. I know my brain is so scrambled I can't call them myself. I super want to die right now. Everywhere I turn the message is "I am too busy for you" ...so what can it possibly matter if I die. I am so so so tired. Thank you for listening. I will just sit here until I am ok to drive.

[Former-Member]

Hello little turtle, that does sound quite frustrating if you are waiting for when your gp is free to start that proces, but from what you have said they are willing to help but unsure when exactly they have the time to do that just yet, that wasn't a no, this is just part of the process.

Try not to let it overwhelm you with unhelpful thoughts such as people being too busy for you, they care and we care okay, and this decision is for the best. It is great you have started this process, that alone is not easy, and now waiting to start calling them is another step that will be ticked off, just not just right now.

Thinking of you, and hoping you can do something in your car that grounds you before you start driving, but just know we are with you 🙂

[Phoenix_Rising]

I feel SO tired and SO hopeless @Former-Member. The reality is I am not going to find someone next week or the week after or the week after that. I am just existing as my degree and my hope for a career sinks further and further into the past. I am SUPER struggling right now. 😔😔😔

[Phoenix_Rising]

This wave is super super giant and I feel super super alone. I feel scared. @Former-Member you are right there aren't you.

[Former-Member]

Hi @Phoenix_Rising - you are not alone on here. I'm watching the waves for you. I'm hoping you can stay safe out there right now.

Are you still struggling to find the way home?

[Pepsimax]

I am riding the waves with you @Phoenix_Rising(here but not here)

[Phoenix_Rising]

@Former-Member I am nowhere near even trying to find my way home. I know that trying to go in a particular direction is futile when the waves are like this. I know I just need to be still and let the waves crash over me. I feel super alone. The waves of hopelessness are GIANT. It super helps to know you are nearby. I am going to snuggle under my weighted blanket, lie super still and wait for the storm to settle a bit. I feel so sick knowing this is going to go on indefinitely, but right now I just need to survive right now don't I. That is all I have to do.

[Former-Member]

@Phoenix_Rising I am close. That's right, to survive right now is all you need to do. I hope you feel comforted and settled just a little under your blanket. I'll be here over the next little while....

[CheerBear]

I too am here @Phoenix_Rising. I can see and hear how hard the hit from this one is. I'm not too busy and I have time to sit with you through the wave if as well if you'd like.