Panic attacks - feeling like I'm already dead

[Bambiii]

Okay, so I'm struggling to find a place to express what I am going through. Hopefully someone can relate or share some thoughts on what I'm experiencing.

For many years I have experienced dissociation. I have felt like I've been walking through a continuous dream or watching a movie, that is my life. 

Over the last year this feeling has been progressively getting worse and now I am experiencing panic attacks that are randomly triggered by someone either saying something about not being alive, being plugged into a headset, and random deep thoughts of being in a coma??? 

I think what has triggered this might have something to do with the small number of times I tried marijuana. I have had major freak outs, the three times I tried it. I went into some sort of psychosis where I thought I was in an ambulance and resuscitating myself by hitting my chest and screaming but I can't remember it, and it's honestly hard to write it out correctly.

But prior to trying that, as a young child I used to have really strange experiences of what I used to call "dreamy landing". 

Basically, "dreamy landing" was how I explained what I was doing/feeling when I'd try going to sleep. I used to have night terrors alongside this but I would lay in bed and shrink, then fly around the roof of my room... I don't know if I had a really vivid imagination or if what I was experiencing was real... I also used to grow super big, a bit like Alice in Wonderland but I could fly around.

Anyway, now I'm just watching TV having internal panic attacks and falling back into this scary delusion that I'm dead or in a coma or just tripping out and not remembering what's happening. 

[Paperdaisy]

Hey @Bambiii Welcome to the forums and thank you for being so brave and sharing your story. That sounds super scary.. What supports do you have? Have you told a doctor about any of this? Panic attacks are awful! I've been there.

I hope you find this to be a supportive community.. you're not alone and I'm sure others will jump in to support you and share their ideas soon. 

Take care,

Paperdaisy 

[Bambiii]

Thanks for engaging! 

My supports as of right now are my close friends however they can only do so much. It's difficult to talk about it to them as they clearly are not experiencing it and honestly don't know how to react to my concerns.

I have spoken to my doctor and they have referred me to a therapist and offered antidepressants, that im hesitant to take due to my fear of drugs and the side effects. I am also worried about the costs of a therapist as I'm a full time student, renting with housemates, and earning a low income.

[Rylee13]

Hi,

Thank you for sharing what you are going through. You are not alone, and panic attacks can be terrifying and really take a toll on your body and mind. For me, I lived in dissociation my entire childhood and when my memories began to unravel as I got older, the panic attacks started. It didn’t matter how many times I told myself my nightmares weren’t real, or that I was just experiencing anxiety, the fear and the bodily sensations seemed to be completely overwhelming. I have had therapy with someone I built trust in. I used lots of different approaches, and EMDR truly helped me and I haven’t had a panic attack in a decade. 
It’s okay to reach out, and to talk about how you’re feeling and what you’re experiencing. You deserve the space and time to heal and to put yourself and your mental/physical health first. Dissociation has helped you in the past, and now you might be learning that you are safe now and can find more healthy ways to cope. I am very sorry if I am wrong~ I truly hope you know that you are valuable and you matter. Your words matter, and your feelings and experiences matter. 

[Jynx]

Hey @Rylee13 @Bambiii just a quick tip - if you want other members to be notified that you've responded you can tag them using the @ symbol, then either typing out or choosing their name from the drop down so that it shows up in blue, like above. 

More tips here.

I will echo @Rylee13's sentiments to you @Bambiii - it's really hard to talk about these kinds of experiences but finding a therapist (especially a trauma specialist) might be incredibly helpful for you, to help you better understand your experiences and work on strategies to help you manage when things get tough. Dissociation can be terrifying and difficult to talk about, as many don't really understand it - but it is one of the ways our brains evolved to protect us, which is exactly what your 'dreamy landing' sounds like (to my mind anyway). 

I know there are a lotta folks around here who can probably relate to your experiences, so I hope you find this to be a helpful space to connect and feel safe to express yourself without fear of judgement 💜

[Bambiii]

@Rylee13 thank you for this response, this was very encouraging 👏 

[Bambiii]

Thank you very much for your helpful response, @Rylee13. I truly appreciate your support.

[Bambiii]

@Jynx sorry, I am still trying to navigate this site. I meant to tag u in that comment instead 💜

[Jynx]

All good @Bambiii thanks for the tag 💜 And let us know if you ever need help finding your way around or anything!

[MermaidHair]

Hey @Bambiii, thanks for sharing.

I've suffered both disassociation and panic attacks and can relate quite a bit to some of what you've described. Like you I also wasn't in a position to afford therapy right away, this a barrier for a lot of people. I was also scared of taking medications. I eventually found a GP who specialised in mental health and while medication was a part of my treatment plan he also treats me very holistically. He got me onto many other treatments, therapies and self care practices that were either free or very low cost. Is your GP like this at all?

If not maybe you could do a search or ask some local groups online for recommendations of GPs who are more mental health specialised