Lived Experience Forum

[BPDSurvivor]

Hi @BlueBay and everyone else!

As always, I've been flat out, but more than ever now. I'm starting a new work project which will take me out to working until 10pm each night (for about 6 weeks).

Anyway, @BlueBay , I've caught up with some of what's happening. It's so good you are still hanging on. As I've said in the past, you are stronger than you think.

Something else I wanted to say is that I don't think you should beat yourself up over sending your therapist a message to his email. After all, he GAVE you the email. What does he expect? You frame it and put it on your mantelpiece for decoration? As far as I'm concerned, if you feel bad for emailing him, he should also take some of the blame because he gave you the email - please correct me if I'm wrong.

Surrounding your question as to whether I self-sabotage? Well yes, definitely. I DID anyway. When I felt rebellious, I stopped my meds....but then very quickly, it turned around to bite me because I'd have the runs, dizziness, shaking etc.... not pleasant. Having BPD doesn't mean you need meds. But if you have comorbidities - then yes, that's a different thing. We are not here to police whether you take your meds. I'm sure you're big enough to make that choice yourself 😉 We can only make suggestions, but ultimately, no one can tell you what to do. As I say to the kids - it's your brain, your arms, your legs - what you do is your responsibility, and you must bear the consequences. 

Good to hear from you!

BPDSurvivor

[Shaz51]

heyyy my sister @BlueBay 

sitting here thinking about you 

[BlueBay]

Hi everyone 

Ended up in hospital last night with a BP of 195/84. 
whsn we got there, there were 17 paramedics trolleys with patients waiting to be trisged. It was crazy. Stupid and the poor paramedics were all stuck there. They were very annoyed   
afyer 4 hours on trolley I was seen by a doctor who said if my headache was better and my BPA was lower I coukd go hime. As it could take another few hours I decided I was ok to go home. 
I didn't get home until 1am. 
I felt horrible this morning actuslly sick in the stomach. I was very nervous but I got to work. 
dsy was ok. I did csll lifeline before I started so I could get htlp with my anxiety. She was useless which was terrible. 
I left  work feeling not worthy 

I don't know why. 
@BPDSurvivor @Shaz51 @TideisTurning @MDT @saltandpepper @Owlunar @Emelia8 and others 

[BlueBay]

Thank you my beautiful sis @Shaz51  

how are you ? 
xxoo

[Emelia8]

Well done @BlueBay on getting to work today.  I hope your BP and anxiety settle down soon to allow you to excel at your job. Which I know you can do.  Big love and warm hugs.

Emelia 🌸🤗💞

[Shaz51]

@BlueBay 

went to have my props done for my specialist appt which they have changed to next week now 

last time my BP was 140/80 which is high for the CKD 

but today my BP was 95/64, now the doctor is worried 

had a sleep this afternoon , wow i must of needed it 

how are you feeling now xx

[Shaz51]

@Emelia8 

[BPDSurvivor]

@BlueBay , hope you're feeling better.

[BlueBay]

Thsts low blood pressure @Shaz51 

Do you feel lightheaded? 
hood thst you got to have an afternoon nap. Sometimes our body tells us. We need to listen. 
my anxiety is driving me crazy!!!  My legs can't stop shaking. 
When I got home after wirk I had a hot shower as my bsvk was very sore. I let the water run on my back. 
I felt yuk with myself snd had to wipe my makeup off. I felt disgusted but don't understand why. I'm not excited about the job. Most people I think are excited about starting a new job. I'm not. 
Im a bit worried about my back snd how I'll cope. Next week I've got 3 days 10-7. Big days. 
im not sure. The only way for me to not wirk is to sell up snd move. And while prices of homes in our area are selling very close to $1,000,000 I think we are silly to not sell. 
it would take the pressure off as we could pay our mortgage off. 

im not happy. I'm anxious feel like I'm going to pass out a lot. But I think it's sll stress related. Last night I had discomfort in my chest but didn't tell hubby. I didn't want another hospital trip. But then I get scared. 

hi @BPDSurvivor @Emelia8 @TideisTurning @MDT @Owlunar  

@saltandpepper @Eve7 and others 

[BlueBay]

hi @BPDSurvivor @Shaz51 @Emelia8 @TideisTurning @MDT @Owlunar @saltandpepper  and others

Ive woken up crying and haven't stopped.  i am so overwhelmed, feel very depressed 

i went straight to my GP to see if i could see someone, i just needed to tell someone that i am not doing great

i saw a different doctor and she said although it was good that i went to work yesterday i am probably doing too much to start off with.

so she gave me a certificate for today to rest and i spoke to my boss.  i told him that i am overwhelmed with all the hours and i was honest with him.  he appreciated myu honesty but said he needs reliability at short notice.  that's not the type of job i wanted.  i wasn't even told the hours at the interview, he had no idea.

so now i probably have stuffed it up,may lose my job.  i don't know.  he said maybe he will talk to me next week, so we'll see what happens.  

if they are so desperatge for staff then maybe he needs to look at employing two people not one and having to relying on that one person.

i told him i am happy to be working and enjoy working there; it's just i am too overwhelmed.

i am home alone, little A may come over later.  i took the dog for a play at the park which got me out of the hosue.  i am not crying now. which is a good thing.