Need to vent

[BlueBay]

I think what it is @Owlunar  is that I internalise everything. I need to fix things. I have to diet things through. In my head it has to be right. 
I think it's this black and white thinking. 

I went straight into the water and had a nice swim. It was so nuce. 
Hubby says he wants to go to the cemetery on weekend. I said why don't we go in our way to our holiday on Monday morning. 
then I got upset and started to cry. I was thinking about how my parents never came and then I think about future and how will I cope when my dad dies. Then I cried more. 
see this is what my mind does. 

it sucks getting old. I'm scared of the future so much. Instead I should be enjoying it day by day. I do at times especially with littke A. But when I'm not doing anything my mind goes into over drive. 

I keep thinking of my dad. He's in his middle 80's and not well. 
I can't think about it. When it happens it happens. I will learn to cope. I think. I hope. 

@Bow @Emelia8 @Former-Member 

[BlueBay]

Thanks @grayhorn 

big hugs to you ❤️Xxoo

[Owlunar]

Hi @BlueBay 

I understand how you feel about your father - I was in a similar place during the years I didn't see my family because of my mother - and I thought my father might die before I had the chance to see him in the last years of my life - but I did - and in the end he left peacefully and I am so glad for my memory of that - I really hope you can have such an experience but your mother is a problem and she is being cruel toward you - maybe toward him too

I don't know what to suggest - I couldn't see my father alone until he was in hospital when he was dying - and then I had a special conversation with him - something that has been very precious to me - how you hope for that or arrange time for you to see your father alone somehow is something really worth putting your mind to and I know how hard it can be.

I know this "black and white" thinking is a symptom of BPD and this is something you can only work on yourself with the help of your therapist - being stuck in either one or the other is in issue of perfection or total chaos - what a choice - darn - I don't know how you deal with that. I wonder if you use words like "all", "none", "never", "always", in your thinking - because these words are absolute. Life is not always like that - we endure somethings sometimes - 

It must be hard to change our internal dialogue - I have the questions but not the answers

It makes me wonder if any of your therapists have tried to discuss this black and white thinking and work out ways to change thinking

I am interested and I would really like to know - I feel this is important - but I am so ignorant here - though I do intend to find out something if I can

All the best BlueBay - I would say not to let it upset you but it does - I get that

Dec

[Bow]

Some good thoughts to munch on there about black and white thinking @Owlunar thanks 

[Owlunar]

Thanks @Bow 

I am interested - I was in hospital for 10 days for pain management so I researched BPD while I was there - @BlueBay  has been really forthcoming with her difficulties with BPD and I took the time to have a good look at the disorder on the internet and I hope that together people here can help each other - knowledge empowers us - hopefully it can even heal - I would sincerely hope so

I studied linguistics and logic at university - at first year level - hence I know the value of words is important and the words we unconsciously use to ourselvesl have power - ,perhaps the people with BPD can learn to change their internal language - I will be interested to look into this - every one can contribute their ideas

Dec

[Bow]

Thanks @Owlunar  yes it’s good to share our knowledge and work together. 

I had a BPD diagnoses 12ish years ago probably longer, bad memory! Had a good 10+yrs but struggle street now. Starting with a psychologist, hoping she can help me sort my head out a bit. 

[BlueBay]

Yesterday wasn't a good day. I had to chat online with a counsellor. 
I vented so much stuff about my mum and my childhood abuse. I just went on and on. The counsellor was great in listening and supporting me. 

I didn't work yesterday. My daughter had a car accident a month ago and she had to pick up her car. It was her fault so she didn't have to pay. I had to mind littke A whuch actually was a good distraction. 

@Bow @Owlunar @grayhorn @grayhorn @Emelia8 @BPDSurvivor @Shaz51 @Maggie and others 

[Maggie]

@BlueBay  I hope today is a bit better for you.

I’m sorry your daughter had an accident a month ago, I hope she’s ok. Having her car back will be a good thing.

I hope little A helps you today. She’s your light in the darkness.

Sending 💙💙💙

[BPDSurvivor]

Hey @BlueBay ,

Im glad you could reach out to someone over the phone to vent. 

I'll further my reply in Raising Awareness of BPD - Flipping the Script as it may support others facing the same thing.

BPDSurvivor

[Shaz51]

Sending you tender hugs  @BlueBay 

Hello @BPDSurvivor , @Maggie , @Bow , @Owlunar