Lived Experience Forum

[Bow]

They are horrible @Snowie  and I am really struggling with it today. 

In my appointment with my psychologist yesterday we did some chair work/ schema therapy and she was talking to my vulnerable child about all the things that happened to me and how it’s not my fault, I just sat there crying and shaking my head. I don’t believe any of the words that she said. I still don’t. 

it’s makes me angry. Angry at myself. 

how do I get through this again???

[Snowie]

Sorry to hear that @Bow 

Hopefully you can set up some things with your supports to help you get through it, maybe even a bit of a plan. I always find if I have a set list that I can follow a little easier for me.

[Bow]

I’ve never had a good relationship with my dad. My parents divorced when I was little, they fought in court over my brother and I, in the end my brother went to live with my dad and I lived with mum. Then started the alternate weekends as each others house. I hated it. 

My dad was hardly present when I went to his house, he constantly moved house, had so many different girlfriends, including the one that he had an affair with while married to my mum. If he was around, he was either hung over, drinking, playing sport or having mates over. We were left home countless times, even as young kids. 

I was always the outcast. I particularly remember a Christmas when the other 4 kids got brand new sparkling bikes. I got a hand me down. As a little kid I really noticed that. I heard the word no a lot. 

I won’t even go into the abuse that went on behind closed doors. Not by my dad, but by other kids. SA. 

Despite all of this, my brother and I were close. And as we grew up, and I stopped visiting every second weekend, and my relationship with my father changed, we remained close. 

Over the last 20 or so years, my dad and I would speak maybe a couple of times a year on the phone. That would be it. The phone calls consisted of him asking how I was, me saying yeah ok… or something along them lines, him telling me all about his ‘wonderful’ life and then abruptly ending the conversation and saying goodbye. There has never been any interest in my life. And maybe that’s cause I have kept him at arms length. 

Today I messaged my brother asking if he was coming up for Christmas. He said no way as he was up earlier in the year. I called him a grinch! He then replied and went on a massive rant about how he always comes up here (which is true, but it’s easier, cheaper and more realistic for him to come up than all of us to go down), and he went on about how I haven’t spoken to my father in ages. I asked him to keep out of my relationship with dad. He responded with ‘well I know whose side I am on the same side I’ve always been on. 

That really hurt. I’ve never heard him speak the way that he did to me today. 

My brother really has no idea how our childhood affected me. The things that happened to me. And I could never tell him. 

I remember having a conversation with my brother after my marriage ended. He wouldn’t believe me when I told him what my ex did. Nothing I said to him would convince him that my ex cheated and had a homosexual affair. I had to pull out some of the evidence that I had kept, and still I don’t think he believes me.

So many men in my life have let me down. Men can’t be trusted. 

I feel all the more broken tonight. I’m sad. 

[tyme]

My dear @Bow - I'm hearing you.

I think this has been one of the most detailed posts you have made outlining those who have been part of your life. It takes a lot of courage to share what you have tonight, and I deeply appreciate you confiding in us and trusting us enough with your story.

I'm sorry about what has happened today. I really don't know what else to say expect that you have every right to feel hurt.....and in a way, betrayed?

I'm sitting with you tonight. Hugs.

[creative_writer]

@Bow sitting with you 💞. I don’t think you realise how strong you are after surviving so much.

[Snowie]

@Bow 

It must be hard opening up like that. I hope it helps a little.

I'm sorry you have been through so much. You really are a strong person.

Sitting in this space with you 💗

[Bow]

Thank you @tyme 

I feel like I have perhaps overshared, but I needed to get all of that out. My heart is really hurting tonight. 

Days like today I really wish my psychologist was more available. My case manager wasn’t even in today (had an appointment with someone else when I went in this morning).

While sitting on my bike this afternoon, after my brother stuck the nife in, I sat and worked out how much it would cost for me and my daughter to fly down and see him. About $4,500! Flights, accommodation and car hire. And that’s without thinking about all the logistics of getting the ex’s permission, her missing visits with him and having to then make them up, time off school for her, me missing anywhere between 5-8 appointments, and the disruption it would cause for the rest of the house. And that’s just me and my daughter!  My step dad couldn’t even go, my mum couldn’t go cause she cares for my step dad. My younger brother works full time and they have a 4 mth old. 
My brother doesn’t work, doesn’t study, is on a pension, lives in a tiny one bedroom flat and the majority of the time we pay his fares up. 

Sorry, I am angry too. 

[Bow]

Thanks @Snowie @creative_writer  

[tyme]

Oh hugs @Bow . Sounds like a difficult place to sit it.

I'm sorry if I don't have this right...so you have 2 brothers? Which is the brother you want to go to your place for Christmas? Sorry, I think I'm confused.

[Bow]

Yes @tyme I have 2 brothers. One older, he lives in tassie, same dad as I and the one that we try to get up for Christmas. 
younger brother lives here in town and has different dad- who is no longer alive.