Lived Experience Forum

[Undecided]

I'm not coping at all. We seem to be fighting more and more. My husband calls me selfish, mean and uncaring. Am I? I'm struggling to control my emotions and cry every single day. Usually caused by us fighting or considering divorce. Today my husband said he's going to start (another) business once he quits his job in two weeks, and he'll be staying home for maybe 3 months trying to make it work before looking for another job again. I'm certain he has ADHD but won't get assessed. He's only been at this job for maybe 4 months and he had 5 months off before that. I know he gets depressed at every job he starts, and I know I can't really talk because I haven't worked for a long time due to my anxiety, but I also take care of everything around the house including getting his clothes and food ready, and picking up the slack when he's too lazy to put things away or clean up after himself. Now that I've been accepted for a full time job starting soon, I'm so scared I won't be able to keep up the house. He says he will help out but I know he doesn't care about mess and will get lazy. I also have OCD and have particular things I feel I need to get done around the house to feel calm. In the past our homes have got completely out of hand and dirty because I got depressed and couldn't cope and my husband has never cared about living surrounded by mess. Now that I've gotten myself into a routine with cleaning, I want to maintain it. This job is a big deal for me, but so is living in a clean home, and I suffer from fatigue a lot from the mental exhaustion so I don't know if I'll cope. I admit I did get upset when he told me he was going to stay home for months and he felt like he 'deserved it ' and I probably shouldn't have said the things I did, but I think he shouldn't quit or at least get some part time work while working on a business. He thinks I always crush his dreams and I'm selfish and that he's never told me to get a job. He thinks I have my priorities all wrong. We've basically always been financially unstable but he wouldn't agree because if we have just enough money to pay bills and rent, we're fine. We have been fighting every day for so long and I just don't know what to do. I'm physically, emotionally and mentally exhausted. I hate to say it but he causes me so much anxiety, but I don't know if it's just me. He also says that I'm extremely controlling. I don't mean to be, and I know it's my anxiety that leads to me trying to control situations. I'm struggling to cope with this and I just don't know what to do. 

[WiRi84]

Hi, sounds like you're struggling a lot, and fighting every day crushes any hope that things can get better. There's a lot going on based on what you've said. Maybe you've already tried some of these things so please disregard what I've said if you've already tried or are trying what I mentioned. The first thing is this, you can't change his behaviour or make him go to a doctor to get assessed, as you are undoubtedly aware. You can make changes that will help you and in turn he might see the change in you and decide to make some changes too. Consider making an appointment with your GP and discuss some therapy options with the. NGO's such as Centacare have low cost or free services that you could link with. If your husband isn't interested in cleaning up and keeping things how you like them, perhaps you could talk with him about getting a cleaner in a couple of hours a week, but of course if that suggestion leads to conflict it might be best to raise that issue in couples therapy. I hope you can get some answers soon. 

[LilMapleLeaf]

Hi @Undecided,

Reading your post reminded me so much of my marriage and what our final year looked like together. I just want to say that you are not alone and what you are saying is completely valid. Marriage can be such a hard thing and requires both parties to put in the work for things to get better. I can see how frustrated and exhausted you are from living in constant stress from whats happening. Do you think there is room to suggest seeing a couples counsellor? Having that objective third party in the conversation can sometimes make it easier to hear each other.

While I said what I had read looked like my marriage, we did not end up staying together. I'm not saying that is the way things will go for you at all, there is absolutely a way forward however he must also be willing to put the work in for things to be better. This past year for myself being separated has been both good and bad. Being alone is scary and heading towards a future that I didn't plan for is not fun but I'm putting myself first, getting the care I need and not feeling guilty about it, setting boundaries to take care of myself and learning what I need and deserve. We all deserve to be loved fully and whole heartedly for who we are, health issues and all and I really hope you find that one way or another.

You are absolutely not alone.

And also, if no one has said this to you, congrats on your new job! I hope you are super proud of that accomplishment. 

[Undecided]

@WiRi84 Sorry for the late reply. Thanks for your response. That's definitely true. Thank you, I'll look into that. Money is tight, so a cleaner is out of the question. Plus I prefer to do it myself. As my husband says, I'm a control freak. Counseling I think would be very beneficial. If only I could get him to agree to it.

[Undecided]

@LilMapleLeaf Sorry it's taken so long for me to respond, and thanks for your reply.

I'm sorry to hear that. It's concerning to be honest, and I often think that things shouldn't be this difficult if we were right for each other. On the other hand, I do hear that marriage is hard for pretty much everyone. I would absolutely love to see a couples counselor and I think it would benefit us so much. I just don't think I could get him to agree to it. I've tried many times. About 5 years ago I convinced him to come with me to a therapy session as my therapist had said it might be a good idea. After that short session, she spoke to me privately again and said that we were just too different and walked me out while saying to let her know when I wanted to arrange separation counseling. I was in absolute shock and honestly it scarred me a little. This could also be one reason he won't go again. The other reason I think is because he knows we have all the knowledge we need to improve things and that I 'just need to be nice'. This does infuriate me to be honest. He just thinks I'm too high strung and angry all the time. 

I'm sorry it didn't work out for you but I'm so glad you're putting yourself first and looking after yourself. I can't imagine how incredibly hard it would be. Do you have children if you don't mind me asking?  That's very true. 

Thank you. 

Unfortunately, I think the job just isn't for me. I did a one day trial and it absolutely overwhelmed and drained me mentally and emotionally, more than I could have imagined. I'm still trying to recover almost 24 hours afterwards. I feel so disappointed, especially considering they were going to take me on. I feel awful and I don't know if I've made the right decision, but I hope I have. Thank you anyway for your kind words. 

[LilMapleLeaf]

Hi @Undecided ,

Good to hear from you!

I do agree that marriage can be hard for everyone, I also have a belief that there isn't one right person for each of us. I think each relationship with a person can be unique and different and beautiful in their own ways, however it requires both people to put in the work. No matter how perfect each person may be for the other there will always be work to put in. 

Also, I understand where you are coming from with the idea of "you just need to be nice" but it's just not the case I reckon. There is so much complexities in relationships and your frustration may be coming from something that is happening there. 

I'm not sure if you're a reader but one of my all time favourite books it called "The Seven Principles to Making Marriage Work" by Dr John Gottman. He is one of the leading researchers in relationships and marriage and lots of relationship counsellors use his theories in their practice. I loved reading it because of how practical and hands on it was, however my partner was not interested in reading it or trying to work on things. I believe John Gottman also has a podcast if you are more of an audio person. This is his website if you want to have a look at his resources, he definitely has some amazing resources on there:
https://www.gottman.com/ 

I fully believe the government should give every couple his book as a wedding gift for sure! I'm a big fan of Gottman if you can't tell. 

Thank you, it has been hard. I still cry about it but I also know I wasn't happy in the relationship either. I had to see him the other day to sign some paperwork for the divorce and honestly it actually reminded me how little regard and care he had for me. We didn't have children together fortunately, we had a dog together (which is my baby) but not human children. I can't imagine how much more challenging it would be with kids.

Oh no, that's okay. I feel you on the fatigue thing, I know I can't work full days at the moment of consecutive days cause I also need to next day to recover. But you put yourself out there and gave it a go and thats bloody awesome hey! Still something to be proud of. 

[Undecided]

I think you're right, and at the same time, it scares me. I do agree that both people need to put the work in. I do feel like it shouldn't take this much work though. Maybe it's just my perspective. I don't know. 

He said it to me again today, 'you just need to be nice, and things will just fall into place'. This is after I tried to convince him that he really needs to get therapy for his own issues, as well as us getting counseling together. I do find myself getting so incredibly frustrated, and I struggle to control it. I am suspicious of hormonal issues because of my age, so that could have something to do with it too, but I definitely believe that me not feeling heard and respected in my relationship is mainly to blame. In saying that, my husband feels that I'm very disrespectful towards him. 

Thank you so much. I will definitely check him out and try to get his book. I really appreciate that and I'm sure it will be a very valuable resource. 

I think that would be an amazing (and probably necessary) thing for married couples! 

I'm so sorry 😞 I am glad that you were strong enough to leave and go through with the divorce. I don't know you but I'm proud of you. I think that's a good thing. Did you keep the dog? We have four cats that we both love so much and it makes me want to cry when I think about the possibility of splitting them up. To be honest, that's been a major consideration when I have thought about leaving. I know how ridiculous that sounds, when I'm not putting my health and happiness first. I'm fairly sure we will stay together and work on things, but at the same time, the thought of having my own space and peace and quiet does give me a sense of relief, and that scares me. I'm glad we don't have children in some ways, but it makes me cry every time I think about the fact that I probably never will. I can't even speak about it without breaking down. 

Thank you so much. I think it was probably for the best. I guess I'm just confused about which direction to go in with my life, which is so much more difficult with mental health issues. 

[tyme]

Hi @LilMapleLeaf , I believe the post above is for you.

[WiRi84]

Hi @Undecided, it sounds like your husband doesn't want to attend counselling or any kind of mediation which makes things difficult. We know that effective communication is the key to resolving most conflicts, but when there is already lots of tension and we are blaming each other for different things, communication becomes almost impossible because both parties are on the defensive. I wonder if there's a chance you can set some ground rules whereby you can both agree to hear the other person's point of view without things deteriorating into conflict. Instead of trying to convince your husband about why he needs to try couples therapy, try and understand why he's so apposed to the idea. Then invite him to truly listen and try to understand why you think it's worth trying. If either of you drink alcohol, avoid discussing any issues over drinks. I know it probably goes without saying, but please remember your personal safety, as conflict in the home can lead to domestic and family violence which is never ok. There have been some great suggestions from others here, and I wish you both the very best and hope you can get the help you need. 

[Undecided]

Thanks for your reply. He says he won't be considering any kind of counseling until I do and he sees that it's making a difference. I honestly don't think he will though. He just says that I'm the one who doesn't know how to communicate or be nice. Neither of us drink so that's not an issue. It's been difficult to actually get him to listen to me without some sort of distraction or because he won't stop what he's doing for a moment. His undiagnosed ADHD is a huge part of it and why I want him to get help on his own. The long wait times to get help does put him off, but it's having a huge effect on us and has for a very long time. I try to remind myself that I need to keep calm but my anxiety makes it near impossible, and he gets frustrated with me and does silly things which lead to me sometimes getting accidentally hurt. Thank you. I really hope I can find ways to help quickly.