Lived Experience Forum

[ClockFace]

So Mum has said alot about our home life growing up and I talked to my sister and Dad, seperately, to try and work out the truth of it because alot doesnt make sense to me. 

As kids the house was very strict with Mum enforcing things, getting hit, hit with a wooden spoon or the strap were always a threat, but one that was followed through on if you stepped out of line, especially if Mum was in one of her moods. I dont spose I got it often as I was well behaved, I was scared, looking back I was very scared of Mum, much more than I thought at the time. I figured, not knowing any better this was how it was in all house holds. My sister however was much more 'active' and got in trouble far more. I remember and its often spoken of the time that my sister got the wooden spoon but didnt cry, so Mum continued to hit her until the spoon broke, I dont think she cried still.

She would say that she was only doing what Dad told her to, in disciplining us kids and running the house. Dad said today that he thought he and her were of the same mind when it comes to how kids should be raised and the expectations of kids, however he would rarely hit us and never with anything other than his hand. So I dont know how that plays into Mum using items to his us and as my sister and I remember, it wasnt uncommon. Its clear Mum felt more violent and threatening punishment was ok more than Dad did. It also raises the question did Mum have rules and expectations greater than what Dad did that she was enforcing, I use enforcing diliberately because of the tactics uses to discipline us kids

Mum would say she raised us kids alone and that Dad was always at work however while true at times for a lot of the time he was home. He did basically rebuild the house we lived in bit by bit, but that was at Mums instruction. From what I can gather, especially in our younger years Dad was around more than what was made out, though I think he did keep himself occupied. I cant remember about my sister on my Dads part but on my part it wasnt the typical father/son relationship, we didnt go away together, we didnt do projects together, we didnt talk about much. Later years  he was away a lot more for work, this is what my Mum concentrates on.

I dont think Mum and I were ever very close, we were closer than Dad and I but it was more about me getting her things, even back then, rather than a deep emotional bond.The favourite was always my sister, and no matter what I have done through out my life I can/could never complete with that. I dont know Dad has a favourite, I mean he, I think prefers my sister but to a degree its more like he cant be bothered with either of us

Both my sister and I remember Mum and Dad fighting quite a lot growing, Dad doesnt but did admit that there was an assessment after each time people visited, going out etc. You know that shows the control aspect again, what  can be said etc. As kids we would see this as fighting Im sure

Looking back I would have to see Mum as being an abusive parent, clearly manipulative and overly controling mother. I remember at a young age yelling out that Mum was a power hungy, controlling bitch just before getting the strap. 

I started in my late teens to fight back against the abusive actions. I started to forge my own path but I wasnt directly defient. That happened later in life and is happening to this day. For some reason Mum cant wake to her alarm on the phone and requires someone to ring her to make sure she wakes, that role ended up falling to me in the past 5 months. I kinda got sick of it and decided, along with the support of my sister told Mum she is on her own, she can wake to an alarm like the rest of the world. 

Mum continues to be controlling, dictating, abusive and manipulative, this is in large part what ended up my sister in hospital. Mum just doesnt stop. But Myself, Dad and my sister are now, finally, on the same page and are finally saying enough is enough and making Mum take responcibility for herself. I mean she doesnt leave her room, expects everything to be brought down for her, Dad takes care of her bills and takes her to appointments (she cant drive at the moment) though she did a medical fitness to drive and Dad was on about having to beg and pled for her to give it to him to post it. I did say its not his responcibility. It should be noted that Mum and Dad are seperated living under main roof, so he shouldnt be taking care of shit for her.

[ClockFace]

Today is being very shitty.

Im really sick of being drowsy so much. Normally, I get drowsy late afternoon, which means I can potentially return to work on reduced hours once I get the ok from the Psychiatrist, who was ok with returning to work on reduced hours. Today I am wildly drowsy and its only 1pm but Im still in pain. Its not fair and its like early days. At this stage I have months of this. And I want to add work to this, I just dont know, dont get me wrong I really want to work, even if its 2 hours a day, I just dont know if I can actually do it. Added to that all the time off for appointments Ill need.

I was just asked to list a few things that were positive about myself on Beyond Blue and I seriously cant think of a single redeeming feature about myself. I was helping my sister but Ive failed with that, I cant help around the house and I need people to do simple stuff for me because Im either in too much pain or Im too off my face to do much. I mean even this is a strain and I intend to go to bed after it to sleep off this feeling because its so bad today.

After yesterdays Psychiatrist appointment all I can abouut is my childhood and while I realised school was really bad, I realise just how terrible home was and still is. My Mum was shit, I didnt feel safe anywhere, I was anxious whereever I went. 

For some reason my Mum is allowed to smoke inside and I have to smoke outside. My sister has come home and for some unknown reason, she is allowed to smoke inside as well.

Everyone keeps asking how my sister is, understandably but despite being in pain, being all drowsy, having told him that I want out too, he nor Mum (Not that I truly exect she would) have asked how I am, like not in passing or in a serious way

My sister's constant noise is doing my head in, I got my headphones down now, hopefully that will help

Im so sick of being depressed, I know that plays a huge role in everything

My CPAP mask broke overnight so I need to get aa new one of them, not cheap

I know Im doing a fair bit of winging at the moment Im sure at some point it will stop, if your stilll keeping up with my bullshit welldone and thankyou

[ClockFace]

So I broke my CPAP mask last night, what I wear to treat Sleep Apnea, blows air up my nose all night. Been on my CPAP since my mid 20's, never broken a mask. Anyhow I have to replace it but its the weekend so I have to wait until Monday. I honestly dont know how this will affect me as Ive not not worn it for that long since getting it. The masks arent cheap a few hundred dollars each, machines have come down a lot, my most recent one was only $1299. Hoses are expensive now, like $100. Thankfully my private health covers part of the costs of all, most in the case of the machine itself. 

As I say Monday I will need to go down and get a new mask, I said about it to my sister who pipes up saying couldnt Dad do it as he needed to go down for a filter for his machine, he would actually need to do this online I would think as like mine, it was bought online. Anyhow, turns out all this actually revolves around her wanting to go to a shop nearby and if I urgently needed a mask Dad would have to go down Monday and she would get to go to the shop sooner.

Im planning on going down on Monday regardless, its too important not to. I wont be taking my sister, its too much on my back to sit in the car while she shops and even more so if she wants me to come with her. 

My sister cant drive far, she can manage local driving but thats it. I can manage driving in the morning, I can drive distance but its typically the seating I get where I go that causes the majority of the pain. I also cant walk far or stand for long. I am pretty restricted but driving, cause Im seated is okish. So I need to deal with me and my Dad with my sister and thats the end of it.

My sister asked me to pick her off after my Psychiatrist appointment, no biggie by then she wanted me to take her to the shop. I waited in the car for  like 20min which was to much. Im going to have to be far more careful what I allow. If Im going somewhere then that will have to be it, if she needs a ride for a one off place I can but multiple or long its going to have to be Dad.

As much as I try to be helpful I am finding there is less and less I am capable of actually doing its really frustrating even more so when people are not understandinig

[ClockFace]

Im feeling very lost today, I dont understand this complex PTSD thing other than its multiple events. Like how has it affected my life, what attributes of who am I relate to it, relate to Bipolar, relate to Anxiety, releate to Depression and what has been corrupted by chronic pain. Whats left that relates to me being just me or am I just a collective of Mental Health Disorders and pain issues. 

How is it all going to be treated and at the end of the treatment who am I going to be, is it too late for me to be reinvented and is that reinvented me any better than the crap show of a person I am now. 

Seriously, how much of me is going to be identified as corrupted by Mental Health/Pain and what does that leave of me that isnt and remains as me. Who am I is the big question, a walking talking collection of Mental Health/Pain issues? Am I really a man. Is this why I have little 'mascalinity' but not overly 'feminin' I just sort of exist.

Clearly my mind is stuck on my own identitity and Im feeling very lost and unnsure of who I am outside of my mental health/pain, is that all I am?

[ClockFace]

My sister keeps asking if Im ok, Im seriously not but how do I talk to her about how shit I feel when she has just got home from a mental health facility after her second attempt at taking her life, shes not the person to be confiding in. Dad has just taken it in stride like I told him I like apples. I dont think Ive even told Mum, though she hasnt asked how it went so why the fuck would I tell her shit.

You can see why I come to SANE and ring support services, I literally have no one to talk to about how I feel. At the moment, thankfully, I think, because Im not able to use my CPAP mask the pain killers are affecting me more on the drowsy side so I am sleeping 4 hrs at a time and then up for about the same. 4hrs awake is about as much as I can handle at the moment, I didnt think it was possible but my depression has gotten worse. Im teary alot which I think I am hiding from my sister. 

I just got a couple messages from a close family friend that was aware of my sisters situation but seemed completely unaware of my spinal surgery and it revealing a bigger problem, that apparently isnt on my Mums radar when asked how I am. 

Dad doesnt seem to care or get it. He gets told Im suicidal and doesnt question anything (I wont because I dont want my sister to grow old alone). I tell him that I got diagnosed with Complex PTSD, he knows what PTSD is my sister has it, and not a single follow up question, no question about am I ok. There was nothing.

Mum doesnt seem interested at all, if she does hear about something in my realm if health its played down, like nothing going on is as bad as I make it out to be. Though I told her this a minute ago and she asked why they thought that and I told her school and so far no argument

[ClockFace]

This taking medication and getting drowsy then sleeping and repeat is messing up my sleep. I went to bed at 10pm and woke at 12pm. Its now a bit after 2 and Im still quite awake. I just drove into town for smokes and drinks. I was just thinking that I could take an old medication I used to be on now that the med I was taking to replace it has been stopped. That might help me get some sleep, will certainly slow my head down. Gonna give it a go. 

While sleeping off the medication is part of it, my mind is racing. The whole Complex PTSD thing on top of everything else going on is the final straw, I cant cope with anything more than this, I cant cope with this, its just too much. There're too many things going wrong all at once, it just needs to stop now.

[Wenna]

Hi @ClockFace, sounds like its a really tough night. Look out for an email I am going to send you shortly.
Wenna
Moderator

[ClockFace]

What a weird day. Im glad I didnt have anything on. I spent most my day outside at the table smoking and falling asleep. I just couldnt keep my eyes open. It was a rough night the night before and I havent been able to use my CPAP machine which screws with me. 

I was going to go down today and get a new mask but as I was so sleepy Dad went down for me. The moment he got back I finished having a smoke and organised myself and went had a sleep. Got 4 hours sleep and feel a lot better, but pretty keen to go back to bed after my meds. 

My sister did some shopping for me today as getting into the shops and around them is really hard and painful. She did let me know that she was planning on not taking her meds that I give her and storing them until she had enough to have another go again, so now I have to watch her take her meds. Which doesnt thrill me as she can be frustrating with that sorta stuff, she did however hand me some more meds of hers that she had found.

Im pretty well ready for meds and bed which is BS because thats all Ive done today

[ClockFace]

It feels like my pain is reducing, but Im hesitant to push much and see how far I can go with it. Like I know I still cant walk far, but I think I can walk further than I could before and wider steps. I know I can move more freely, lifting weight is still an issue, Im not sure about bending, especially repearted bending. Ive reduced the amount of pain medication Im taking, I kinda want to see how far I can go with it but at the same time Im kinda nervous about doing so because I dont want to aggrivate things. I feel like I should be helping, feed the dogs, do some washing, etc but how I pull up is another story.

Turns out that it might just be that I am resting more after a busy week last week with driving to the main town everyday. I just went into minor town and picked up some drinks, I went in early this morning like 1am early as well. I walked out to the car, back in, and back out and I was feeling it. Got there and carrying stuff, it all very quickly added up. Now Im in pain, Im putting off pain killers but will see.

Both my Mum and sister have found some jumpers on Buy Swap Sell, for the life of me I cant work out why either need more jumpers, neither need any more clothes. But there has been comment to the seller to sell to one and not the other. Additionally, Mum has no way to obtain the stuff, no one will go and get it for her so it would have to be posted or delivered by the person selling. I dont know why the pair of them cant stop. My sister uses what she gets but to make life easier I think she needs to stop. When I went through alcoholism all the alcohol was removed from the house, though Mum did bring it in before I was ready.

I really think there needs to be some seriously uncomfortable changes in our house, some major changes forced on to my Mum. I think We are going to have to change in our responses that are going to be painful. My sister took a step in the right direction, my Mum rang her at like 11:30 about the dogs, she was asleep. She sent her a msg today that calls after 10 arent ok. It should go without saying that calling late at night isnt ok but apparently my Mum cant work that out

I got to do something about my smoking, I had reduced some before the whole sister saga started, I was also doing well with weight loss. Im now up to 40 smokes a day, other than being incredibly bad for me, its costing me a small fortune. With my money concerns, I cant afford to smoke, I just dont know how to stop.

On the weight side, now that I have a regualar income I might be able to get back into a food routine again. I never knew when I was getting money, it was never regular so I got what I could when I could rather than my normal meals. Though thats a bit stuffed as I cant walk far meaning I cant shop much. My killer is Iced Coffee, if I could stop that I would also be better at managing my weight. It doesnt help that I can barely walk around the house, let alone excersise in any meaningful way.

Im struggling with staying awake. A few days without my mask has messed me up, not to mention the pain killers making me drowsy. Untreated sleep apnea doesnt do you a world of good. Your're asleep but your not really getting rejuvinating sleep. I dont sleep well generally but take away my CPAP and its a whole other story. Might pop off shortly for another sleep. I did have a sleep, few hours. Would be good to get back into a routine, like in bed at 9 awake at 6 no matter the number of times I would wake up during the night. But Im stuck sleeping 3 or 4 hrs and up for the same over and over.

Im feeling completely unsupported at the moment, like I got this new diagnosis and no one has said shit to me, no one has really talked about the trauma, just left to deal with it all on my own. I know there will be support coming through a couple avenues but nothing from my family. That hurts, like I was really struggling after and it had to be obvious I was and nothing was said. No one asked if I wanted to talk. Not that I truely expect it but my sister said nothing and she has PTSD she could have given some guidance, explination and comfort but absoulute silence.

[ClockFace]

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