Lived Experience Forum

[Ge0rge]

Hi everyone,

A trusted colleague suggested I may get some benefit from this page, so, hi!  I'm fairly worried about breaching guidelines because I've never really contributed to online forums before.  My sincere apologies in advance if I do.

I recently lost my sister to suicide and today marks the 3 month anniversary since her funeral.  I always appreciated that there would be difficult significant dates for people before I was also in this situation but I could never have realised how many.  There are birthdays (theirs, yours, parents), fathers day, mothers day, christmas, anniversaries of death, being informed, the final viewing, the funeral.  It's never ending.

I feel as though a certain group of friends expect me to have moved on by now and that my distinct grief is an imposition to them.  They suggest I should do things which will make me feel better which just makes me withdraw even further.  My boss said very clearly that he didn't know what to say to me so instead leaves me alone.  This is despite working in the health industry and being surrounded by numerous medical professionals who could provide education.  It leaves me feeling like I'm not worth the effort to be supported in my workplace.

I currently live in a state that is not my home state.  I've been granted permission to go home (thanks COVID) which is not really what I want but is what I'm getting so much pressure to do.  So now amongst all of this I'm now going to be quitting my job (which I hate so I'm actually looking forward to doing that but terrified that I won't get another one when I get home), pack and move a house and be in my home state by a certain date to give me enough time to quarantine (third time) and COVID test (4th time) so I can attend a wedding.  Again, more pressure to make all this happen in a really short period of time.

I also don't feel like I was the best sister I could have been and feel immense guilt about this.  Between the pressure (emotional and financial), worry, sadness, guilt and exhaustion I'm barely functioning.  I understand that she was suffering and needed to make that go away but now I am suffering and can't make my pain go away.

I would just really like a week off from the world.  Maybe go to a health retreat with some intensive treatment, yummy healthy food, a day spa and just some time off from this agony but while dealing with it at the same time.  

Thanks for reading my post. 😄 

[Maggie]

@Ge0rge  Welcome to the forums.

I am very sorry about the death of your sister. That is a massive loss to come to terms with. I’m tagging @Owlunar  here.

You have many major stress issues to face, each one ,enough on it’s own.

People who don’t understand the grieving process, seem to think it’s over and done with once the arrangements are done. But it’s often just the beginning. Please be patient with yourself.

I do hope packing, moving and job hunting go well for you.

I was wondering if you have a therapist, someone who could help you work through your loss. Your GP would be able to help with that.

Is it possible to have that retreat you mentioned ? Some time out to give your mind and body some rest.

Its good to have you here. Look around and join in if you feel up to it.

A forum tip. The @ brings a dropdown, and is how we tag each other. 

Take care.

[Zoe7]

Grief has it's own way of working itself out @Ge0rge and no-one can tell you what is right or wrong for you in this situation. I recently lost a close friend in a tragic accident and still have not accepted it so cannot even begin the process of getting past it (don't think I ever will). So sorry you lost your sister in such a tragic way also but having been on that end of things I do know how hopeless life can feel and how much I also wanted to leave it all behind. What I can say is that it is no-one's fault - and certainly not yours in any way. Whether you were more attentive or not often makes little difference when someone feels so utterly hopeless. I myself presented with a mask so no-one would know what I had planned as I had made my decision. As you can tell I was unsuccessful but I hope that knowing that that darkness is sometimes so deep that nothing or no-one can get through.

I hear you about those around you not knowing what to say or do - unfortunately when it comes to suicide there is a very real stigma attached and not enough knowledge on the grief that ensues. Those health professionals around you may just not know enough to be helpful and your friends quite honestly should be more forgiving and supportive. Do not push the process - let it happen as it does but talking can help. Do you have someone you CAN talk to ...GP, counsellor, family, close friend. If you don't it may be a good idea to see a professional that can help you work through your thoughts and feelings.

As for leaving your job and moving - it may be a break that you need. I love the idea of a health retreat where you can be spoilt and find the time to just be you to work through your thoughts. Self-care in these instances is so important - you need to do things for yourself that bring you just that little bit of peace and/or joy. 

With the current job market it is difficult to say what will come up when you move but sometimes we need to take that risk to be where we want to be in surroundings that can help us heal ...then other things can begin to fall into place thereafter. 

Above all - give yourself time. There really are no right or wrongs in grief and you are the only one you have to please right now so do what you have to do in order to get through and find those steps forward (baby steps they may be but steps nonetheless). 

I hope you find that we here as a community will support you through the process, listen when you need and with any luck you begin to form connections that can both help you and walk with you.

Welcome to the forum