Lived Experience Forum

[Former-Member]

Hello all,

My life is changing every day. Since I've left hospital I've learnt a lot and had a fair share of ups and downs. Lately I have just felt so isolated. And I cannot even explain why. It's not that other people aren't there for me, it's more that I'm struggling to figure out who I am, I just get so frustrated and lost in my own thoughts and I cannot make sense of my own feelings, my identity. I feel I'm just in the too hard basket.

[Former-Member]

Hi @Former-Member 🌷🌸🌺🌼🌹🌻

Sorry to read that you're going through a difficult time.
I think I know what you mean about feeling isolated. I'm going through similar.
I feel like I'm in the too hard basket.
PTSD is difficult to get over, need the right person to help.
Do you feel that you have the right person to help you through?
What have you been diagnosed with. I hope you don't mind me asking. 💕💗

[Former-Member]

Hi @Former-Member,

Thanks for all the flowers.

Seems we're in the same basket. My previous psychiatrist diagnosed me with bipolar, but my current one says complex PTSD. Either way, too hard basket. Seems like there is help for everyone out there, but including myself I have to tip toe around me to ensure I don't wake the nightmares within.

[utopia]

@Former-Member. Struggling to find out who we are can be a frustrating time. I've only just startedrrelearning about myself. And I still have more to learn. But what I've discovered so far - I like. I don't care if other people don't like a particular personality trait of mine. I DO!
You HAVE come along way in your journey so far. And it can be bloody frustrating when we want our progress to be faster. I get that.
What do you know about yourself? Maybe you can list 2 or more personality traits you have (not MI traits).
Me - I'm opinionated - I could talk under water - I hate cruelty - I have a weird sense of humour - I'm kind.
What can you list?

[Former-Member]

@utopia

I am caring. I love animals and nature. I am brave.

Sometimes I just want to go back to hospital and not be responsible for myself.

[utopia]

@Former-Member. I remember that feeling of wanting someone else to deal with it all - not me. The security of hospital. I get that.
But did you read what you wrote - I AM BRAVE. That is such an amazing strength to have. Use your bravery. Use it to fight when you are struggling. Use it when you are unsure where you are heading.
And when you need diversions or self soothing - use your love of animals and nature. And caring. I knew you had that one too. So be sure to care for yourself first - before anything or anyone else.
Yiur personality traits are a fantastic mix of strength and gentleness. A great combination.
Someone needs to write a book about this I think.

[Former-Member]

@utopia

Thank you for your kind words. I think sometimes I'm just tired of being brave. My therapist told me to use brave instead of tough - so now I'm always thinking of the movie Brave.

I am working on being kind to myself and caring for myself, it's a hard habit to break. Perfectionism and being hard on myself are the opposites that I have dealt with all my life. I'm still trying to find out the balance between the extremes of being kind (and staying in bed all day) and being hard on myself (you lazy cow). I know I'm supposed to do things that are good for me, but how do I know when I'm pushing too hard? How do I know I'm giving in too quickly? It's a journey, a long one. Like you I am discovering aspects of myself all the time. Sometimes I just worry if I should give in to them, like playing with playdoh again. I can't go back to being a child again - that was the comfort in hospital - I need to live my adult life. When I was in hospital I came to a point where I knew I wanted to get out, be free again, be the master of my own life.

[Sahara]

Hi @Former-Member,

I think I can relate to where you are at right now. Recovering from MI is a bit like regressing back through childhood in some ways....at least it has been for me.

We have to try and get back to who we once were before things went wrong in our lives... and for me things first started to go wrong at a young age. So how do I know which parts of my personality are authentically 'me' and which parts are only things I've learnt to do to cope? Maybe I can never know!

But on my journey, I have focused on the things that I really love to do. I have always loved to do these things... they have been with me since the beginning of memory. I love my making my art, I love experimenting in my kitchen and I love walking in nature. (I also love reading books, but this trait didn't emerge until I was about 16.)

Then I look at the traits I have within me that allow me to give full expression to these interests. I'm creative and I love gazing at beautiful things- I'm extremely tuned into aesthetics. I like making things from scratch and inventing stuff. Even the things I cook have to look beautiful. I'm a sensory person, too. I like the smell and touch of things...

I found this process really helped me to define who I am.

However (and this is a big however), it is not strictly necessary to define yourself. You can just be. It is really only society that wants use to have prescribed roles and identity. They want to label us, be we don't have to succumb to this! Just allow yourself to be. Acknowledge all your emotions... even the feelings of being adrift. 

[utopia]

@Former-Member. Trying to get the balance right. I've found with myself - that I only really started following through on this about 3 months post hospital. I was getting into a semi routine - of waking and chores and getting stuck into the garden. But set backs occur. My head cold. Bad news from a friend. Exhaustion. The weather being grey and miserable - makes me want to stay in bed all day. That's ok.
Tomorrow is another day. Tomorrow I can get back into the garden and cleaning.
Finding a balance takes time & there are always going to be diversions and obstacles. But you just try again tomorrow.
And when tired of having to do all this - pamper yourself. A hot bath. A sleep in. A quiet day.
I hope you find today a better day

[Former-Member]

@utopia and @Sahara

A few years ago, I had the same trauma but was determined and full of energy. I was a bouncy ball, never stopping, fit, engaged, successful.

Now I just feel like a piece of shit. Sometimes I wonder if I should not just stop seeing anyone and trying to force myself back into a routine where I have no time to think. How can I be kind to myself when I've been where I wanted to be and through this silly MI I'm trying to figure out who I am.