I can’t cope

[tyme]

Hey @Captain24 ,

What's happening for you?

I read a lot of self-deprecating thoughts.

I'll add a trigger warning to it.

[tyme]

Only a few more days then? @Captain24 

I know you will be able to hang in there.

[Captain24]

Sorry about the no trigger warning. I put one on the other post. @tyme 

I don’t know what is happening. I’m all over the place. My thoughts are racing so much. I can’t think straight. I don’t feel like myself. I feel like I have no control. I can’t explain it but it’s scaring me. 

Monday is admitting day. I have so much to do still. I’m still not packed. The house sitters are coming at lunchtime on Sunday. I DONT WANT ANYONE AT MY HOUSE. I want to be alone in my last night. I want to be with my dogs. I don’t want to hear all about her brother that’s a thief. I have enough going on but I can’t be rude and say no. They wasn’t the routine. 

I can’t cope. I’m not coping. I can’t do it all. I can be the person I’m trying to mask. 

[tyme]

Wow. No wonder you feel all over the place @Captain24 . There's so much on your mind. I can tell by your post.

What time are you going in on Monday?

Would you consider putting a plan in place for the next few days? i.e. put down in writing all the things you need to do for the next few days so it's not overtaking your mind?

I find that when I write things down, I can breathe a little more.

[Captain24]

I have lists in my phone of everything @tyme. Everything I have to do, everything I have to pack, everything I have to buy. There is just so much. I can’t afford everything I need to get until my tax comes in. I hope it comes in tomorrow or I’m royally screwed.

I did write my to do list in a price of paper. That was better than my phone but I’m still overwhelmed. 

Im not even organised in my packing. It’s all over the place too. It’s just like my mind. My housework and job list is scattered too. My shopping list is in no order. My packing list has no order either. 

I can’t un-scatter myself. I don’t think I can do it. 

11am Monday. It’s a 4 hr drive and I will have to drive through Sydney in peak hour traffic. I hope my focus is better by then. 

Maybe when I’ve done it all (if it’s even possible) I will settle down. This is the most disorganised I’ve been. I don’t like it. 

[tyme]

Can I ask why you need to buy all these things? Is it for the admission? @Captain24  I'm confused.

[Captain24]

It’s for the admission @tyme. I don’t fit into anything. Everything is too small. I’ve got tracksuits, a couple of t-shirts and pj’s that fit. No gym clothes, no swimmers. No bras. The ones I’m wearing are falling apart. I didn’t think to check any off this

Plus I need to be prepared for the dogs. I need food and treats in advance. Jett will run out of kibble. I need to get some cleaning stuff as there isn’t enough here for 3 weeks for the house sitters. 

I need to stop stressing. I need to calm the f@ck (sorry) down. I just don’t know that I can. It’s too hard. 

I did just clean the main bathroom, so that’s one thing of my list. Still a million things to go but at least it’s not a million and one.

Am I going to be able to do it? It would be soo much easier if I didn’t have someone coming to my house. The stress of people being here. People in my space. 

I promise if anything else eventuates I’ll be more organised and calmer. Hopefully no house sitters. 

[rav3n]

hey @Captain24, i see that you're feeling really overwhelmed by the number of things you need to get done before you admission - i know it must be daunting having so much to do in such little time, but sometimes our mind puts us in 'panic' mode which makes even small tasks seem impossible. 

have you done any self-soothing activities today? if not, we can do a quick breathing and grounding exercise now - inhale for 6 counts, hold for 7 counts and exhale for 8 counts (or longer if you need). 

grounding exercise if you'd like to give it ago (this is just to focus your mind on something else for a bit):

1. Name 3 things around you that you can see.
2. Name 2 things around you that you can touch.
3. Name 1 things around you that you can hear.

It looks like you have a pretty good idea of what needs to be done - usually that's the hard part, but you've done it! Perhaps there's some things on the list that aren't too important and we can leave out for this week. Maybe some things can be ordered online (like click and collect) or via phone? 

When I have a massive list of things to get done, I find it easier to only allocate 2-3 things to get done so that there's less pressure on myself. Ticking the task and treating myself for every thing I get done also helps motivate me to finish the list - do you think that would work for you? (i used to reward myself in tv shows, finishing 1 task = 10 minutes of watching tv)

[Captain24]

I was on the PGC @rav3n 

No I haven’t done any self-soothing. I’m pretty useless at it. I never think of it on my own when I’m in a moment. 

I have trouble with breathing to numbers. It feels like too much pressure to get it right. I know it’s stupid but so is my head. 

3 things I can see. Lego bird. 2 full toy boxes. Pixies diamond art. 

2 things I can touch. My dogs. My throw rug. 

1 thing I can hear. The aircon because I desperately need to clean out the filters it’s in my to do list. Another thing I have to do on Saturday.

I use to reward my self with a cigarette but as of 130 days ago I don’t smoke. I have nothing to reward myself with. I just have to do it. It just has to happen.

I think I’m having a bipolar episode. Maybe that’s why my thoughts and words are so frantic and so all over the place. That’s why I was to wired to sleep last night and I am tonight too. That’s why I’m doing dangerous things. That’s why I’m not focused. That’s why I’m not concentrating. That’s why I’m a mess. 

I can’t be sure but that’s what I think. It’s like I’m manic but not with the mood. I think I’m having a mixed episode which is really not a good thing. With active thoughts you are more likely to act on them. The mania encourages it. 

I need to get some sleep tonight or it could get worse. 

[rav3n]

Hope you found the PGC engaging @Captain24 😊

That's totally fine, breathing and grounding techniques aren't always for everyone - thanks for trying the grounding exercises, I hope it brought you some focus during that exercise.

Perhaps we can find a new and safe reward such as treating yourself to a new lego set after completing X number of tasks? 

Do you have any supports you can reach out to tonight? 

You mentioned you might be experiencing an episode - I'm not sure if you've checked these out but there's a few apps that you can check out (scroll to digital health products) that may help you navigate your feelings Bipolar disorder help & support - Black Dog Institute | Better Mental Health

Also wanted to link the other support services so you have them in reach if you're feeling unsafe tonight:

Please know we are here to support you. However, if you feel you need immediate support, please reach out to:
Lifeline 13 11 14 https://www.lifeline.org.au/ 
Lifeline Text Support 0477 131 114 https://www.lifeline.org.au/crisis-text/ 
Suicide Call Back Service 1300 659 467 
https://www.suicidecallbackservice.org.au/ 
If feeling unsafe, please contact 000

I hope you get some good sleep tonight, proud of you for being here with us 💗