I can’t cope

[rav3n]

hey @Captain24, hopefully the guy dealing with your injury is there tomorrow - if he isn't, are you able to request some time off or an alternative task that doesn't involve driving the truck? 

if that's not an option, is there anything that can help improve your focus while driving? for example, listening to a podcast/relaxation music, or focusing on certain signs on the road (i.e. reading every sign out loud to help focus on your surroundings), taking road breaks every 10 minutes, etc.?

[tyme]

Hey @Captain24 ,

Do you ever use SANE's phone service? I wonder if that will help in the mornings? 1800 187 263

I know how much you need to hang on until Monday. 

Keep you eyes on the goal @Captain24 . I believe in you.

Oh, something I need to add... I went to see Ruby's pantry. She's got slow cooked lamb Prime100 too! My sister got it for her.

[Captain24]

Hi @rav3n 

I can’t really take anymore time off. I’ve taken a lot for my admission.

Hopefully he is there and I can work it to my benefit and safety. If I can convince him I’m too sore to get in a truck it’s a little less vehicle operation 

I get distracted and lose all focus. Saying the signs out loud may work. Especially on my way out to work. Music and things don’t help, I tune them out. 

I just pray he is there. It's better if I come home in daylight. It’s easier to see and a lot less traffic.

[Captain24]

I haven’t used SANE for a while @tyme. The next 2 mornings I’ll be at work.

Thanks for being here 

Ruby is on awesome food! Our vet recommended it! 

[Captain24]

I should be asleep. But I can’t switch off. I feel highly activated. 

[Captain24]

So the guy wasn’t at work today so I sent him a text. Apparently they change what I was meant to be doing however no one told me or my direct boss so we know nothing about it. I told him my back is really sore so he has said I can come home early today and tomorrow. 

My drive to work was incident free. The drive home I mostly had the road to myself until all of a sudden there was a car in front of me. I don’t know when it got there. This is not good. 

I drove a truck for an hour but the task I was doing didn’t involve any interaction with other trucks. So it was safe. 

When I got back to town I drove the back roads but I still struggled. 

Im really not doing well. There is no focus. No concentration. 

Just one more work day to go. Fingers crossed I can do it. 

I still have so much to do but even though I’m home early I’m just sitting on the lounge. It’s probably for the best but I’ll be hating myself for it on Saturday when I still have everything to do. I’m hating myself now. I really am a lazy, worthless waste of space. I don’t even deserve to be here. I’m just hopeless. 

[Ru-bee]

Hey @Captain24 what it sounds like to me is that things are feeling pretty overwhelming at the moment.

I know I'm a biiiiiig procrastinator when I'm feeling overwhelmed by something, and the more I beat myself up about it the harder it is to make myself actually get started. In those moments I need to remind myself that even though I'm struggling it doesn't mean I'm hopeless or worthless, and that's true of you too.

Maybe is there one small thing that you could do tonight so that your Saturday self will thank you?

That small thing could be resting if that's what your mind and body needs right now - rest is also productive

[Captain24]

T/W mentions body image.

I’m still just sitting on the lounge @Ru-bee. I’ve got dusting that I could do I guess.

Ive found some shirts that fit so I will iron and pack those. But even finding stuff to pack was hard. It’s the middle of winter and I need to try and find some swimmers that fit me in a small country town. I guess that’s not going to work out for me. I found my gym clothes. They don’t fit either. 

This whole packing thing is triggering so much for me. I hate myself and I hate my body. It’s disgusting. I’m embarrassed. I’m ashamed. What are they going to think when I get there? Do I just not go? 

[Ru-bee]

I hear you @Captain24 this sounds really, really hard right now. I

I believe you'd mentioned the other day that it might be helpful to not think so far ahead, just focus on what's next and keep putting on foot in front of the other. Do you think you can give that a go tonight?

[Captain24]

T/W negative self talk

I did iron those shirts and packed them. @Ru-bee I also got a load of washing out of the machine. I’ll have to hang it out in the morning so I can pack them tomorrow. 

I know I need to not look ahead but it’s hard it’s coming up to fast and I haven’t finished packing. I just went into the main bathroom and the last house sitters left the shower a mess and I didn’t notice as I don’t go in there. Another job I have to do. 

Every time I turn around there is something else. Just because I’m not overwhelmed enough it keeps brining on an anxiety attack. 

Tonight I have the PGC. So that’s something. If I’m not to stupid and have to pull out. I’ve been really useless at them lately. I really am pathetic

Before the chat I might have a go at that bathroom and clean the dining table. Well that’s what I’m trying to tell myself. I’ll probably fail. If I can just get something done. 

This has been a bit all over the place but that’s what my head is doing right now. 

I need the one foot in front of the other but my thoughts are running around so fast that I can’t stop them. 

My anxiety is rising.. 

I can’t do it all. I just can’t do it.