Feeling so sad, so lost

[Former-Member]

I'm just so sad right now, can't talk, it's even hard to type, but I decided I'd try to communicate how I'm feeling here 'cos there's no judgement here. 

I've been doing a course for the PTSD and I thought it would be different from what it is, silly me for thinking that! I've done soooo much work on this over the years, and for a time most of the methods worked for a bit too.

In the beginning I didn't even know all the stuff I was going through wasn't my fault because I'd been told by so many people, in so many ways that it was. On the day of the rape, it was in my last year of senior high school, my mother told me it was my fault if it happened.  IF? No police report, no medical exam (until I got really, really sick - another story there), no sympathy, no hugs, just total rejection and blame because of the shame they felt. 

I can't write the story - tried and can't, deleted it - it's just too much in many ways. 

Life continued with me putting others first. Many years later, when making confession as a last resort for some sort of forgiveness for what I thought was my fault, a priest told me he couldn't forgive me as I had committed a mortal sin for allowing myself to be raped and not dying to prevent it happening. I think I'm still in shock from that. My faith was a mainstay and it was taken away from me at a time of great need as a mortal sin means not able to take the sacraments. I didn't realise until recently how much that hurt me. I am no longer Catholic and have different beliefs now.

The psychiatrist I went to around the same time as the priest stuff told me "boys will be boys and it happened a long time ago, it's time you got over it". Yes, the person was known to me because they worked next door, but they were not a 'boy' he was a much older man. I can't understand them. It was a crime. 

I'm trying so hard to work through, around, deal with this stuff and no matter what, I keep running into road blocks where I'm told in one way or another I'm wrong. I know doing the course thing means that the old stuff will be brought up, yet when I try to talk to the psychs about it, they don't get that I'm on total overload with no reserves left to cope. 

I was hoping with this course 'cos it came so highly recommended (and it's actually really good for PTSD that has not taken a reinforced hold) would take things that step  further with strategies for dealing with times when overload happens. 

I have to retreat, cut off pretty much all contact with the outside world, except for flat mate, and for the most part I can do the necessary self care to survive like eat, drink water/ tea, take meds, etc simply because I know it's better to do it than not. I didn't/don't self harm, nor use substances (except maybe food at times) to cope as I need to be aware of surroundings to keep safe. 

Due to reasons I am totally estranged from family and children and I've cut contact with supposed friends who couldn't be bothered repyling to emails or keeping in contact. I rarely ask for help, when I did, those people made fun of me 'not coping'. That made asking all the harder. 

I used to think that being a nice person, being kind and considerate, helping others when you could would in turn come back to you somehow when you needed it, and while there have been times that has been true, I really need some help now and there's no one, just no one after so many people I have helped. That sounds so self focused, but I used to believe in fairness and it all seems such a lie.

I'm so sad, so lost, and feel so hopeless about the promised getting better. I don't expect this to magically go away, I would like some strategies besides what I already do daily to try to lift this horrible, horrible feeling. 

[Former-Member]

When there is no help to be had all there is left to do is get on with it. *sigh*

No one else to help, so I have to help myself. 

I've had a shower, washed my hair and cut about 15cm off the length. The migraine that laid me out all of yesterday, and which I'm still feeling the effects of today, mad me decide it needed to be shorter. 

Food now, cup of tea, some distracting tv and some more crochet. 

It's so awful to be in a crisis mode and have to be your own support person and counsellor. I'm so over it. 

[Former-Member]

Hi @Former-Member

Sorry if it felt like there was no one here to support you when you reached out earlier. Depending on the time of day, the forums can be busy or quiet and posts don't always get seen right away. But it's true that there is no judgment here and there is always someone to listen, even if they don't respond right away.

I can understand your being over it, but at the same time I think it's a strength to be able to be that support person and counsellor for yourself.

15cm is quite a haircut! I hope it's got you feeling a little lighter.

[Former-Member]

@Former-Member Thank you for you kind response. Yes, it's the story of my life, or at least I feel that way because it takes me so long (might be weeks or months) to ask for help. 

I don't feel strong. It's just that I know if I am to continue, my experiences have shown/ taught me that even thinking I can depend on someone else is dangerous to my wellbeing. So many reasons. 

Yes, 15cms is quite a bit, and my head does feel a bit lighter. I was mindful not to cut too much off in my despondency though, and I still have a lengthy ponytail.  

[frog]

@Former-Member I feel sad just reading what you've been through. It's so awful that your mother, priest, and doctor all let you down so badly. I'm sorry that you are feeling so alone. I'm not much help but just wanted to let you know that I heard you. Take care.

[Former-Member]

Thank you @frog , that alone helps me to keep going, trying to move forward. I know it's hard to know what to say in response to something like this. Words like yours mean so much. 

I hope you're travelling well. 

[Former-Member]

@Former-Member i am so sorry you have to deal with people who have feed you horribleies about a horrible situation. I can relate to so much of what you are saying. I know its hard to ask for help and support, its a learning curb asking but apparantly the more you do it the easier it because it can just be hard sometimes to know who the right people to ask are, when you are so kind lots of people abuse that and dont give much back im return, i hope that things somehow manage to get easier for you, sorry for my babble *hug*

[Phoenix_Rising]

@Former-Member I am out at the moment so can't write a full reply. However, I wanted you to know that I have read your story.

When I was a teenager and I told my church minister what had happened between me and a youth group leader, he told me to "confess any sin involved, put it behind you, and move on." When I told my mum, she asked me how I could let the youth group leader do those things to me. I hear you SunShower.

[Former-Member]

Thank you for your kindness @Phoenix_Rising @Former-Member it means a lot to know I've been heard and understood by others with similar experiences.I'm also so sorry that others have had similar experiences, it's just awful.

I think people react that way, not because we are inherently bad and caused the awful thing to happen, but because they are afraid of what our experiences mean in their lives. When all I wanted was someone to hold me and comfort me, all I got was blame and shame. 

I'm so tired of being told or made to feel as though it was something I did that caused the things that happened to me. 

I've gone many years without being affected in the way things are getting to me recently. I've been the one everyone leaned on, for many years, and when I withdrew from always being the support person, from always being light hearted, happy and cheery, no one wanted to know what happened, no one wanted to know me at all. 

In the end, I made changes so I wouldn't be so easily manipulated by those people, and that has been very helpful, I'm sure if I had continued the way things were I would not be here now, and I'm glad I'm here even if there is so much pain. Seems so silly though doesn't it. *sigh*

I'm even starting to wonder if there's actually been any real point in having stood by my standards for living my life. Were those standards completely influenced by religion or did they come from my own sense of the self I wanted to be? I'm so over the god/religion thing, it more often makes me upset than helps. 

Sorry, I tend toward maudlin philosopy when I get so far down I'm trying to find a new way up. 

Thank you for bothering to read and for any responses, but please, no god or religious helping suggestions.  

[Former-Member]

I feel like I'm at the end of the road, at the top of the mountain, with no bridge to anywhere else, just the road back down to the deepest pit of despair or the sheer drop to the bottom of the ravine. 

I'd like some other viable option. Gonna have to build myself a fortress against the darkness up here I guess. 

What is so wrong with me that even here I'm left to my own devices?