Despair *potential trigger: abuse*

[Jacques]

yes my angel, guess what, i feel the same, the world is a scary place for me too, everytime i leave the house something triggers me, but i force myself to go out once a week, even though i don't want to, i suffer greatly like you, but i think in some small way i am fighting a war too.

i have no hopes and dreams, and i leach off society too, but you have 2 beautiful girls, i have nothing, no partner, no friends nothing for me to be around for.

what i am trying to say your reason for living is your 2 girls, you really don't need any more reason, they are smart, and seem relatively happy, and very protective of their mother, so you have done some good for and with them, never forget that.

we can be really tough on ourselves in dark times, it seems to magnify our hatred of ourselves, but know this, it will pass, you have friends who care for you now, like me , @Appleblossom, @Former-Member, @NikNik, @Former-Member, @WombatBoots and others too, you have a growing group of friends, not for who or what you think you are, but because they see the kindness of a person and a loving mum.

be strong, ride the storm, i will be here when the waters calm

[kato]

Hi @hiddenite

I have had some time this weekend to be reading through the forums, and i always find what you have written to others as amazing, i know that it is easier to offer advice and support to others, when finding the strength in oneself is for some reason very difficult,

I for one have been helped greatly by you throughout my times, purely by your support and what you have written in response to what i have been going through.

I hope that you feel that you have some belonging here, as i can tell from what others have written they care deeply for you and not once thought otherwise of you. In my opinion you are a proud, stronger then you realize indervidual who is from what i have read, on the path to wellness, it is a tricky path but in the time i have known you, you have come a long way

i don't know how to say it, but i'll give it a go - embrace your inner strength it might be scary because it is unknown but i see it and i know others do too

i hope that makes sense

[Appleblossom]

Its not my intention to pry. its not about questions and answers.I dont believe in dual thinking .. just not interested. I have read your thread. You do often repeat yourself as if you are hanging onto a few set phrases to define yourself.

I dont want to encourage you to put yourself down. You will never hear that type of language from me. If you want to keep repeating those types of phrases about yourself that is, to some extent, your choice.

I have seen some pretty tough situations Karen.  There is no competition of who is the most damaged. I believe in harmonising, and I usually let people win, or I walk away.You may have read some of my threads too .. I think it is worth knowing who we are conversing with.

I have met amazing people. EG., A man who lost wife and son in car crash and had legs crushed. He is still an inspiration to me.There are heaps of people out there who are good.  You dont have to meet them if you dont want.  But I for one will secretly be wanting to run into a certain MR @Jacques. one day. I feel quite protective of him. He is only a little bit older than my children.

I have met hurtful people. I wont pretend there are not dangers in the world. But your main abuser is now dead. Have I remebered that properly? You have some closure on that. Talk more about the issues I dont really care about labels, though I do know what big words mean. You actually do have a job to do.

I have to take some dignity in being a "walking wounded". and still get on with it, bugger anyone who puts me down. I have taken so much I am feeling a feisty sometimes .. then also collapse like you.

So you never got to experience the workforce. What did you do .. are you house proud? Do you like to cook. Do you like to sew or designer clothes or italian leather shoes? The questions dont matter Karen .. just relating matters. I used to hate cooking .. but things change and now i like cooking and am off to do dinner but will be back.

I cant talk you out of putting yourself down though .. only you can stop doing that.

Tonight it is .. Kale, walnuts, sweet potato, beef etc etc

[hiddenite]

Thanks Kato

The support given here means so much

I really appreciate it

Karen

[hiddenite]

Hi Jacques

You know me better than anyone and I was truly blessed to have you in my life again.

You give me help unconditionally and understand what things are like for me. Please don't apologize you can do no wrong.

I would join appleblossom I would be so honoured to meet you.

You are amongst friends.

Take care

Karen

[Jacques]

well my dear angel, here is another boring tale in the Jacques story,

i am at my desk tonight, reading the to and frow of people on the wonderful sane forum, wow their is quite a community here,  it is so nice to see every one concerned and hopful for one another.

now the farm, not much happening today, the pig is still digging holes, but the calf got into trouble today,the farm hand was trying to get grain out of the trough for the chickens and the calf kept putting his head infront of the bucket trying to play with the farm hand, he tried and tried to get grain but no the calf wanted to play, well he got a smack on the nose, he left with the sulks.

i am watching a doco at the moment on ancient Egypt.

it is nice to read your words my angel, i can see the pain in them, but @Appleblossom is right only you can stop putting yourself down, i suppose that goes for me too.  sometimes i am too tough on myself, but i know as well as you it is the illness talking.

[Jacques]

Karen, you know you are still young, you need to look at the long term, just imagine when your 2 girls are 18, 21, 30.  you have so many good times comming maybe not for you, but to see your girls turn into women, try to focus on that.

sometimes we get so caught up in the moment we forget about what is going to happen next.

i would love nothing more than to meet you too, to see you in real life, to tell you you are my best friend, you are my guardian angel, without you in my life i would not be here any more, you are the reason i keep going now, you help me reach my goal of looking after mum in her old age.

when i am in my darkest times like you are in now, destraction is my only option, music, movies, doing something with my hands, anythink to stop focusing on myself.  i hope some of this helps

[Jacques]

Well @Appleblossom, what can i say, i am a little embarrased, , i feel so privelaged to have you want to protect me, i have never had that before, thank you.

i would love to meet all of you in real life, everyone on this forum is the only people i know, without all of you i have literally no one, just mum, no friends, no family, just me.

[hiddenite]

Sleeping bag and hot water bottle ready J.

I love watching programs about Egypt, so fascinating. Make room for me J, I'll bring the dark chocolate

Karen

[Appleblossom]

We can learn so much from history. Karen. I like the slower pace of country life, butI was only in one country orphanage and spent time on a dairy farm. It reminds us how long it takes for things that are alive to grow. It teaches us patience and quiet. Things we need when being a parent. Jacques is right

I remember feeling a moment of annoyance when our dog ate my fancy burgandy French calfskin stilletos but I let it go ..  the shoes and my crankiness .. it took 5 seconds .. time is an interesting thing .. so subjective ..

Karen, we cant actually rely on a saviour outside of ourselves, we all lean from different people. There are so many things to learn about life and the MH services are stretched .. I know that all too well .. I have also seen so many different files and reports about children from different eras of social work.

We dont know how people will grow but we have to do what we can to help. Keep courage