Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Witsend]

My daughter is not well and has cut off contact with me. She is still communicating with my ex husband so I am able to be informed through him about the situation. My daughter has MI and has been hospitalised 3 times in the past but was discharged WAY too early due to her then husband (they are separated now) telling them lies to get her home. I could go on and on about her MI but right now I want to know what to do about the kids. They miss school constantly and she is dilluisonal about their health, every runny nose she keeps them both home and makes up yet another condition. They live in front of video games (some of them M rated) and eat ice cream and junk food. She stares into space and most days can't move. No one can convince her something is wrong. She thinks everyone else is wrong. They are not developing or thriving. What should I do bearing in mind that she thinks I'm the enemy and last time she was reported to Child Safety they indicated to her that I had reported her so there is no trust even though her doctor was responsible for that. I will not deal with that agency as they are far too dysfunctional with untrained and inexperienced staff that cause more harm themselves than good. Please I'm open to any suggestions. 

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[NikNik]

Hi @Witsend

Firstly a big welcome to the Forums. Apologies that you're yet to get a response. I have moved this discussion to a place where it will get more attention and easily noticed by other members.

Sounds like you're in a really tough situation - particularly if you're not finding certain services helpful at the moment. However, it is good that your daughter is in commmunication with your ex-husband. Is their relationship a strong one?

Would it be helpful for your ex-husband to join the Forum to find resources for her?

It's really tough watching someone we love not get or want the help they deserve. Sadly, we see this often and in times like this the most important thing to do is to take care of yourself. @JennyK started a discussion about wanting her daughter to seek help, which you can find here, where she talks about getting counselling for herself. In that same discussion there are a number of helpful resources.

Do your grandkids have any other significant adults in their life that they are in contact with on a regular basis?

[Janna]

Hi @Witsend and welcome to the forum.

The situation you describe sounds incredibly difficult.  There are a few things which came to mind as I was reading.  If the children are missing an excessive amount of school, not performing well, or displaying anything of concern, etc. the school can initiate something via their student welfare officer.  I would imagine that excessive non-attendance, even if covered by a note from a parent, would be a red flag.  It may be worth ringing the Dept. of Education to discuss this.  Given that your daughter no longer trusts you and has estranged herself you really have nothing to lose and may want to report your concerns to the school if you feel this is appropriate.  A simple phone call may be enough to raise awareness about their welfare and initiate some mandatory reporting.  I understand your disappointment with child protection authorities, however, if the children are at risk and you are genuinely concerned for their welfare, you may have to go down that path again even though it is not ideal.  Without knowing more it is difficult to know what to suggest and it would be great if you could tell us a little bit more.   I'm particularly interested to know if the father of the children is around  and whether he may be able to initiate something.  Parental neglect is a form of abuse and is linked to physical and mental health problems further down the track.  It is important to remember that the children are powerless in this situation and need responsible adults, such as yourself, to protect them.  The only other thing I can suggest is to go down a legal path where similar issues are dealt with under the Family Law umbrella.  You might like to call the Family Relationship Advice Line and discuss this.

All the best

Janna ❤️

[Witsend]

Thanks for responding to me and I'll try and offer up more information. I actually visited the children for 45 minutes yesterday and so even though the situation with my daughter was very tense I was able to hug my grandkids. I have asked if they can come over for a few hours for dinner Friday night after school and I will drop them home afterwards. She has agreed however things change with her by the minute so I'm notmholding my breath. I have done hours and hours of research and work with mental health patients. I am quite convinced that she has Borderline Personality Disorder however I am also aware of the risks diagnosing family members so I keep an open mind. I have also since purchased "Stop Walking on Eggshells" which is brilliant and talks about my daughter all through the book. I am seeing a psychologist once a week and I have now progressed past the sense of guilt which held me ransom for years. As the mother I have felt solely responsible for her condition. The father of the children is a deadbeat how lives in his own world which is very much like a 14 year olds. He lacks any skills or intelligence that would be of any use. I am going to continue to stay in touch with the forums working towards a better future for my grandchildren if I can. I hope the school steps in eventually however I don't think I'm the right person to raise the alarm. I do not trust confidentiality and will not run the risk of being 'blamed' therefore alienating her further. Thanks for listening. 

[Janna]

Hello again @Witsend.

This is great news and sounds very positive.  I was under the impression that there was no contact with your daughter or grandchildren and am happy to hear that you were able to spend some time with them and that your daughter is amenable to further contact at present.  I'm also really happy to hear that you are seeing a psychologist to help you with this.  Support in such situations is really important.  I understand that you feel responsible for her condition.  I think every parent of a child with MI goes through similar feelings.  It's not easy.  Your reasoning for not wanting to raise any alarms in lieu of further alientation makes perfect sense.  You will be more valuable as a parent/grandparent if you can maintain a relationship with your daughter and grandchildren.  I think most people go on a quest to find information that is relevant to our situations in the hope that we find answers or solutions.  When you find the right information, such as the book you referred to, it is extremely validating and helps tremendously because it gives structure to an otherwise ill-defined and confusing situation.  I think we all innately know when we've found the right information because we can fully identify with what we read and if you feel that connection with this book then I'd say you're on the right path.  Please keep posting and let us know how things pan out. 

Take care

Janna ❤️

[Witsend]

Hi Janna

This was the first contact I had in a month and they live 10 minutes away. It was my Grandsons birthday and I wanted to give him his present. I hope that I can continue to see them however it is up to my daughter and she usually only engages when she wants something. If that something is for me to mind the children then I'm happy with that. I have decided not to continue financing her and the last time she asked for money and I said no there was so much abuse. All the advice is not to support her financially and I wholeheartedly agree. If I was advising a friend I'd be saying the same.

thanks for your support. 

Joanieb