Hello@Former-Member , @Emelia8 , @Anastasia , @Appleblossom , @1stepup61
@Former-Member, I believe that I can understand how you feel with regard to your daughter. It is particularly distressing when there is distance between parents and children, that can occur and be evident for any number of reasons.
Some of what I relate in this note may tie in with other comments that I have made in this and various other threads. However, I am often circumspect about giving too much detail about my life, either on the forum or possibly more so in real life. Not on my own account, so much, but rather so as not to create any problems or in any way, show disregard or disrespect for, or toward my children.
Possibly, also, to not generate pre-conceived ideas or biases in the minds of people with whom I correspond on the forum and in other interactions in my day to day life. 'I guess' I can create biases with regard to my own present life, without adding additional details to the reality of that present life, so I ask myself if extra details should be of concern, if they are not likely to identify me or anyone else.
On the other hand, it is apparent to me that people may wish to know something of the person, or people with whom they are corresponding on the forum. Some details of the other person's position may, in a range of situations, allow us to feel more comfortable in our interactions with others. I also believe, that as far as mental health is concerned, by being able to connect with others with whom we know that there are common experiences, situations or reasons for experiencing certain feelings, we may be able to connect in more understanding and productive ways, with mutual concern and respect, than if we know nothing about the other person. People may become familiar with me in terms of my comments and responses on this and other threads. I wonder if other people on the forum will see me in the same light or differently, either positively or negatively, when they know a little more of my history and background. I hope that a little history may allow some connections to be more easily established and others, possibly, made more secure.
My life has been anything but what I had expected when in my youth, or subsequently wanted it to be like. I have been married twice, have two children with my first wife and three with my second wife.
Both those people decided that they wanted a different life, from that which they had, or projected themselves to have, in the future, with me.
Unfortunately, the separation and subsequent actions were far from pleasant, even vitriolic. Recently, in counselling, it has been observed, that where I might have even perceived the likelihood of problems existing for those about whom I cared and loved, my mother and my children, in particular, I would prefer to absent myself from their lives, rather than be the cause of disharmony or conflict that may, in some way, be passed onto them.
My oldest daughter, who was also caring toward my mother, in the last years of Mum's life, saw the way I cared for Mum. After Mum's death, my daughter visited me on her own. That signified to me that my daughter also cared about me, or at least cared to know me better. We have gradually been building our relationship following that time.
In that first marriage, we had a son. His relationship with me is one of distress. I believe that he suffers some sort of mental health problem. He is very "head strong" and combined with the stresses associated with the end of both of the marriages, has taken a very independent course in life, but primarily attached to, and I believe, somehow dependant on his mother.
The three children of my second marriage experienced a high degree of manipulation. However, when the older of the three daughters had a disagreement with her mother, I was informed, by letter, that the daughter would be coming to spend the last term of the year with me. It was only a short time before this that I even knew where they were. It was evident, as soon as she came to stay, that the only reason that she was with me was because of a disagreement between she and her mother. That was an exceedingly difficult 3 months. While the mother was pleasant and courteous when I picked up my daughter for that term, it was a very different attitude when I took this daughter back. The only consolation that I had, was knowing that the mother, obviously, had no fear for the safety of the daughter while she was in my care.
The other two daughters, I know little of, except on three occasions when administrative matters required attention.
I am very pleased that my oldest daughter and her son have fairly regular contact with me. From our interaction, I may have the opportunity to get to know my other daughters.
As far as my own life goes, I had one further relationship and that not being successful, I have lived a relatively simple life on my own, before my mother lived with me, and since her death.
A very brief reflection on my past and present
With My Best Wishes
@HenryX
