Christian Chat

[heartathome]

Aww @ENKELI I'm so sorry to hear that so many things are going against you! I don't like the idea that you are having any trouble (as well as your family) on the forum! I wish I could sit and have a cuppa with you! I thank you from the bottom of my heart for your prayers! I need and appreciate them! Take good care of yourself Enkeli and as always, it's good to hear from you. 💜

[Appleblossom]

@ENKELI   Sorry you are going through difficult times.  Sending Hugs.  Wish I could do more.

I am posting a Sons of Korah video about when feeling surrounded by enemies.

I am feeling the need for it myself and responding to @DownMoreThanUp 's being a fan.  I met the singer busking at a couple of local supermarkets a few months ago.  A sublime moment of the internet being reflected in real life.

@heartathome in answer to your question about my son.  I think he enjoyed his time and space alone, and he also had some company of a nephew and friends.  Between his tweens and him turning 30 we were VERY isolated. That is slowly shifting.

I myself am a bit down, as I have found it very difficult to mingle and make friends, and there were challenges at the festival, with people who dismiss and reject me.  However it is probably still best I continue with my activities rather than withdraw.  There were good moments as well, but someone in a trio, made it clear she prefers another bully over me, so I am conflicted on how to manage it.  I feel I am not really made for this world, (in that I have lived on the margins so much it has been difficult to make relationships) but to remove myself would cause harm.  Trying to leep making music despite my interpersonal challenges.

@MissGremlin @Realness @REDLINEZ750 

Hope you are all doing as well as possible.

Sorry I am not more enthusiastic, but I am also afraid of being unrealistic, but maybe i shrink myself and expectations. Dont know the right thing to do or attitude to have, so having to accept me, just as I am, without forcing myself into a box to please others.

[MissGremlin]

@Appleblossom my sweet, I'm sorry things have been so tough for you. I know you feel like you weren't made for this world but in this space you are perfect just the way you are and you most definitely do belong in the world ❤️. You bring so much light and love to the forums community and you always make sure everyone feels welcome and accepted. Chin up beautiful, never dull your sparkle in order to meet others expectations ❤️.

[Appleblossom]

Thank you @MissGremlin 

[Realness]

Hi @heartathome ,

My standards are so high I don't think it exists on earth. Or when it does exist they can have the best of Christian women - it's out of my league. But that's okay. I'm a introvert who loves reading. I'm not good at socialising. I never prioritised the socialising and fellowship that leads to marriage - I was reading books or playing the piano instead. Most of the time I enjoy my own company and enjoy my friend Jesus.

I'm sorry there was DV in your marriage. A bad marriage terrifies me. Not that I expect ever to get married. Not when I will have low energy for the rest of my life. But trusting another person with that commitment is mind boggling to me.

I went out with someone for a few months. He seemed possible marriage material. I did think about him all the time in constant prayer was it God's Will for me to marry him. But for one reason or another the predominant emotion I felt was anger. I cut things off. I don't think I would be good at marriage.

I have had obsessions with people where I totally overload the relationship. It's more with friendships though or work relationships. Or someone I would like to be friends with.

Don't worry. It will pass.

I haven't got either reply yet. From my old Christian friend I am expecting to hear about a life full of Christian blessings. Happy marriage, successful children, grandchildren, centre of church, etc. I am expecting her to have a very full life to my sparse life. But it is what it is.

I have known the more recent friend since about 2017 I think. We went to the same church until I moved south. It's taken a while before I could trust him with my breakdown story. But I can't give an accurate update without telling him.

Thank you for your friendship!

[heartathome]

Aww @Realness I really like and appreciate you! You are such a kind person! 🤗

To me, marriage is not all it's cracked up to be. I'm cynical! My mum and dad were married until they passed and the love they shared with each other was sickening (in a good way)  😉 When I first started going out with my partner, we had a five-year plan to get married. By the time that came around, I changed it to ten years and when that arrived, I knew I'd never marry again. I'm glad I didn't because there is no way we would have lasted living together!  

the predominant emotion I felt was anger.  Did the man do something that led to your anger or were you angry at yourself for some reason? 

I understand overloading a friendship/ relationship. I tend to be clingy and am needy, so am careful about making too much contact. Is this what you mean by overloading a friendship?

Your sparce life is a bonus for me on here. I really like having you around! I feel jealous when I see people with a seeming loving and good life, but I think everyone struggles with something. Don't worry about your old friend. Your life is just as worthy as anyone else's. I need to tell myself the same thing. 

You've done a very brave thing writing to both of them. It's good to be honest although it doesn't always work out for the best. Some people don't know much or can't deal with people with mental health issues. I hope both these friends do! 💚

[heartathome]

I'm sorry that you're struggling at the moment  @Appleblossom I wish I could make it better for you. You deserve happiness! I feel quite helpless but am glad we've got a God who isn't. 

I also find it hard to make friends (believe it or not) because I have a lack of trust and keep most people at a distance. My way of keeping safe! 

I'm glad your son seemed to enjoy his space and time. It's good he had his nephew and some friends with him and I'm glad you and your son are slowly becoming less isolated! Isolation is such a lonely road, unless you're an introvert! 

I hope you continue with the activities. If you love them, why should you stop? Stuff the woman and bully! Can I be angry for you? I can't stand seeing people get bullied. I want to use my sarcasm on them! I'm glad you're still trying to make music despite the challenges. I know how much you love it. 

I wish I could help you in some way with regards to the bullying. I remember a bully at an Opp shop I worked at. She was horrible to me but every day I would deliberately say good morning to her each morning. She eventually gave up being really nasty (still not real nice) but never liked me. I had tried to confront her before that, but she wouldn't have a bar of it. It took months for her to respond to me although she never said good morning. 

It's good to have you back. You belong. Sending hugs and much love 💜

[heartathome]

Verse of the Day

Be sure that no one pays back wrong for wrong. But always try to do what is good for each other and for all people.

1 Thessalonians 5:15 ICB 💚

@Realness @Appleblossom @DownMoreThanUp @ENKELI 

[DownMoreThanUp]

EDIT

I AM SAFE (IN HIS COMPASSIONATE HANDS!)

@heartathome Thanks for sharing that bite.

@Realness @Appleblossom @MissGremlin @Ru-bee @ENKELI 

i've been really down the last week or so and each day i seems to go even lower than the day before. Also still a lot of nausea, especially waking up. However my sleeps are improving overall. Last night i got 6 hours in one sleep. Best i have done for near 3 years i reckon.

i knew i would get depressed without my meds, but i did not know i would experience the presence of Jesus throughout this time as i have, for that there is still a lot of things to sort out Down there. For Jesus has been discussing my way of dealing with feeling down at my lowest levels. Levels of depression i have not suffered for years.

TRIGGER: Discussing Suicidal ideation. 

Content/trigger warning

Especially the last three days i have been at suicidal levels a lot. Where again i have this strong urge to finish my life for it all looks so gloomy. Sadly i have LOTS of life in this self. So often have i felt like this in the past and i know i have suppressed myself big time being like this. Often my wife was forced to prevent me from acting on this mood, even cop my anger doing so. Other times medications were used to lift me out of these states of being. So many times i have longed to heed them. Even prayed so earnestly to god i please would be allowed to die. Jesus is bringing me back to those times where i have not yet gained the Victory in Him, as He had me do at other times, in other self, by taking me down there and showing me how vulnerable i am still at such levels ofd depression.

i know Jesus has me living these times again so i will know Him there forever, like i have in so much other self over the years. Even myself believing the lies ruling me misery. Where i did not have faith thinking God did not love me and my life was USELESS and MEANINGLESS and i be best of DEAD. Life where i literally burnt hellish agony!

Yet now, hand in hand with Jesus, i see that my life especially during THOSE times was IN Him and from Him! As a matter of fact to my deepest tears of regret and remorse, Jesus has been my life ALL my suffering life. This has been such an incredible revelation to me that even walking around feeling suicidal is a revelation of Jesus in me keeping me Alive in Him.😭

i know this will be the last time these levels of depression will be dangerous in my life, maybe they never even need to come back again. 

i know this bad life in me i have not yet overcome with Jesus. And that NOW is the time to do that. So yes life has been hard going, i have been very down. Much deeper than i thought, or expected, to go. Yet Jesus is setting me free. He is with me. From that perspective my cup is running over! He is my life. My whole life. HURTING and all. And He is setting me free to know and love Him no matter where life has taken me.

Such an amazing reality living life with Jesus down here and meeting Him Alive in His death and suffering in me......😭😭😭

Blessings and prayers for you all.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wzlKxDvuvqQ&list=RDwzlKxDvuvqQ&start_radio=1

[heartathome]

Hello @DownMoreThanUp 

How are you doing today? I hope you're okay with the depression and you're being supported! You know, I really admire the way you stick to Jesus, no matter what! I'm sure He's very proud of you. 

I'm having a slow day today. It's raining here so it's not a bad day to be indoors. I'm just doing my usual of listening to music while roaming the forum. I've been listening to Fleetwood Mac and Stevie Nicks every day for months now. I'm wondering when I'll get sick of them. You seem to know a lot of songs! It seems like I listen to the same songs all the time. lol 💚