A Poem? Maybe?

[SCORPION]

They say time heals all wounds

I ask how much time It takes

My physical pain hasn't become less

My mental pain hasn't become less

Have I come to terms with the life of pain 

Or have I just come up with ways to hide it all even from myself

As I lie to myself and the world I have become that lie

I argue with my demons 

I argue with myself

I argue with the world

I have to accept what I am to move forward 

I am not whole in body or mind

The body will never be 

The pain will never lessen this will only say or get worse oh the fun to look too?

The mind will charge will it be better or just more hurdles? 

I now understand how some say stop this is now too much and no value to keeping up the fight

I will keep fighting for I have a reason she's the one that makes me want to get up and take on the next day

Karen is my light I goto when I can't believe that I can go that one more step

Karen is my angel that is always there 

I don't know how long this time it takes to heal or if it ever will

The only way to kwow is to keep taking another step. 

Scorpion

[kato]

@SCORPION

Hey Scorpion, it's always a never knowing battle that we fight, will we ever see the dawn of that new light, the one where everything finally feels right.

I understand things are tough, i have been having the very best rollercoaster these last couple or so weeks, which i can't quite put my finger on as to why i am feeling the way i am, i have had no abilities or emotion available to make any sort of input into things.

The tricky thing is, and i struggle with it as well, and it sounds like you are at the moment too, the unknowing of are things getting better.

Is there that silver lining we have heard about just around the corner.

Yes there is, the corner might be a little bit longer for us to get around, and sometimes we get around it to find another corner, I thought i had come around the corner, but i just found another corner, so i am pushing forward some more.

Main thing is be kind and gentle on yourself, when these things happen, don't where possible force too much against yourself and be ready for the next bend.

i hope some of this makes sense for you

[kato]

Hello Friends,

I am finding myself, having slipped into a depressive state, without realising, well no, that is not entirely true, i have noticed it, and hence have not been able to figure out how to transcirbe thought to words, because everything i have written i have deleted, having not been impressed with the way it has read, or sounded, i have tried writing responses to others in other posts, and found myself, grating on my own nerves with what i had written.

So i figure, obviously there is something stuck in my head that i need to clear out and work out what it is that is troubling me.

Sorry for being all about me in this regard.

I am feeling this way, because i know that my court case went better then expected, i guess i had kind of gotten the expectation up on myself that the outcome was going to be a lot worse and seeing that it was a really good outcome, the best possible i suppose i feel that some how i have cheated the system, which makes no sense, i pleaded guilty, a few things got changed in "her" statement" and a couple of charges were dropped, all in all it was trialled correctly...... Yet the feeling is there.

I am going to talk to my gp and psychologist about it this week, as i see them both later this week, perhaps they will have some kind of answer for me, something that i am just missing in my thought process with it.

But enough about that, i did a huge leap of faith forward last week, well i stepped forward in hopefully the right direction, i don't know if i am ready............ but i actually applied for a job, i recieved a follow up phone call as well, so a phone interview, i think i did pretty good, altho i might have mucked up the answers, they might have been seeking, but all in all, i think i did well.

I am hoping to get the job, because then i will be able to move forward again, i know i might be moving too quickly, but i need to move, i feel stagnant, which means boredom, plus, i want to be able to not be stressing about my bills, so much, i hopefully can start getting on top of everything again, and start living my life.

As usual just needed to vent so to speak, try and get my thoughts right in my head, thanks for listening

Everyone here has been fantastic

[Jacques]

Hi Everyone,

I am new to all this, but my father before he died told me about a poem that used to bring things back into perspective for him.  i found the words most true and i would like to share it with all of you.

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.

Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexatious to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment, it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.

And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be.

And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

                                                                                                                     Max Ehrmann, "Desiderata"

Thankyou all for being so caring and be kind to yourselves.

Jacques

[FreetheOpressed]

I haven't read that for years. I love it. Thank you for the reminder 🙂

[Jacques]

Hi @FreetheOpressed,
I am glad someone else has read the beautiful poem, my father bought me a poster of it that hangs in the house, i read it from time to time.

Take Care

Jacques

[kato]

Thanks @Jacques for sharing that piece, i have had to read it a few times, been having an offish week this week, depression was getting me pretty low, well it hit it's lowest over a few weeks, and then today i am finding myself getting wound up, which is a warning sign that i am getting manic/hyped.

That piece is a really good piece, in encourgment and giving a sense of ideals to live life by.... while i may disagree with some of it, i still really like it.

So again thank you for sharing

[PeppiPatty]

@kato my friend
Thinking about you.
@Jacques that is one good poem
@FreeTheOppressed I just like like your name :0) so cool ............
I've for heaps to share so will tell all in next couple of days but @Jacques your poem is very good to read.

@kato you are magic that you move like you do xxxxx

[kato]

How does one define what is wrong or right, in what they are thinking?

It is a question i have asked myself today after seeing my psychologist, you see, for some reason or another, i self critise myself immensly, so much so that my viewpoint of myself is somewhat jaded as to what is good or bad about me. You see, altho i tend to find solace in the fact that i am doing what i can do, and am finding my struggles sometimes easier sometimes harder, i still have an underlying factor, of having a belief system in place, that is highly negative, this does not seem to stem from trauma albeit none that i can recall, and yet for reasons unknown i cast myself with such negativity that it impacts me quite severly.

Honestly, i am very fortunate, which i am aware of, and yet, with such fortune i question it, to the point where i do not believe i deserve it, i don;t deserve to be allowed to forgive myself for my wrongs, even when those wrongs have been shown to me to just be a thought, not a fact, when one such as myself views these thoughts i find myself automatically turning them into fact, or some form of it, and then i kick myself for being given an easy path.

Now i know that my path is not easy per say, i still have my challenges to contend with, and with those challenges i still have dark memories to face and deal with, it just sometimes feels like once i start getting somewhere, my thoughts decide they do not like me feeling better about something and so they remind me of the bad.

Why when one is told that due to their illness and misuse of illegal narcotics one must then also learn to forgive oneself for the actions that occured during times of great unrest, when one was at their sickest, it does not change the fact that while in this temporary state i did actually do those things, nor for me does it give me a passing ticket, to accept that those things were out of my control, instead i find myself conflicted, now this does not occur every day, it is only when i find myself getting into a depressed state that these truths unfold and yet, when i am somewhat levelled or even hyped/manic the thoughts do not occur, or if they do they are not even strong enough to warrant an acknowledgment.

Basically i think what i am saying or asking, is how does one learn to change such a viewpoint? i know that it will come with learning to recognise when the negative thoughts are happening, but i know with the amount of deep seeded negativity i have in me, that some of these thoughts are actually more then just thoughts they are almost ingrained in my "normal" way of being.

Other than all that mess, I am looking forward to this weekend, i don't have a whole lot planned, but next week, i am working for my old boss for a week, he asked me if i could help him with something, so that is good, and last week i applied for a job, so even tho i am not neccesarily feeling the greatest mind wise, i am getting more focused and looking to start getting back into work mode, i think with the meds and progress i have made, i am ready.

If you have read all of this - You Rock! if not - you still Rock!

Thanks for letting me vent lol

[Ellie]

Negatives verses positives. That's a battle I've been fighting for most of my life, but even more so since the 1st of May. I did something silly on that day and damaged my shoulder and my pride. My mother used to always say........ "Pride commeth before a fall." Well, this was definitely the other way around.

My shoulder has healed, but not my state of mind. I dropped my bundle and have so far haven't recovered, not made any better by the fact that my psych team signed me off their books and I've been feeling terribly depressed ever since. So a positive perhaps that the psych team felt that I was well enough to go it alone, a deep negative that they've abandoned me. Abandonment. A curse that plagues me! I'm currently keeping my head down and am off work until Oct 25th, but the reality is that I may never go back again. I'm a psych nurse, yes, but one who has become totally disillusioned by the way the public system treats people, so I'm putting my hope into further education, even at my age. I've just put in an application for a cert 4 in Training and Assessment to commence mid July. It will give me a focus, for I fear without one, I may not be here a lot longer.

But to you Kato. You're obviously much stronger than you know and I really admire your tenacity to not let your issues get you down. You keep trying and are an inspiration to all of us here. All the best with the job application. I've got everything crossed for you. You're an inspiration for me and I'll try to do well in the course with that in mind. Thank you.

Ellie.