Lost myself

[kristin]

Dearest @kato 

What a horrendous time for you. I'm so sorry.

It is no wonder that you feel empty of any ability to empathise - you are so utterly overwhelmed with your own circumstances, and understandably so. In the midst of this it must be very hard to tell whether the meds are helping mitigate your distress or worsening it because of the fog.

What I think I hear you saying about the court case and prison is that you feel so terrible about all that you feel you have got so wrong that an opportunity for penance would be a relief. This is truly remorse my friend. It can be quite heart-breaking. In the meantime you are punishing yourself, which is very hard not to do.

Growth is never just in one direction, it is more like a pendulum trying to find its resting place, or like a wheel rolling along. Sometimes it will swing too far, or the wheel hit that terribly painful spot (and there are many) and we feel like "here I go again". But each time we learn a bit more grow a bit more and though we may need to deal repeatedly with the same issues until we have fully learned the things we need to overcome, we are moving forward in that process. I'm afraid this needs a big picture view, and you have been growing so much in such a short time that your "big picture" looks black to you. But I want you to know I see a picture full of hope in the midst of that darkness.

No you are not bi-polar: it doesn't define you. Yes you do need to battle with yourself at the moment: in setting and keeping boundaries to help keep you and others safe. The longer term picture (and I think you may have even experienced a little of this already) is that every time you set and insist on holding those boudaries it gets a little bit easier. You are learning to trust yourself, it's a long process. I know you can be trusted to keep your word. The hardest and most painful thing can sometimes be to keep our word to ourselves. What behaviour the future holds you do have a say in, you have none about changing the past - beyond feeling remorse which is a good thing to grapple with. Please try to remember some self-compassion in the mix.

Perhaps it seems like all the doors are closed, but they never are my friend. Keep searching, the one that's left open might just be a most unlikely invitation to grow into yourself.

Your courage and honesty in telling us you're lost and struggling and afraid are once again beacons of emerging self-hood in the midst of dark - like your profile pic. Please keep posting and reaching out. Take care of you please. 

Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Have you got a support person coming to the court case with you?

With sometimes shocking grace hope does endure...

Kindest regards, 

Kristin

PS Would a walk help at all?

[PeppiPatty]

I will have to catch up on what's happening for you .....first....@kristin, you are being very loved by me in Western Australia,,,,,, I felt like you were talking to me.

thanks for this community ...focused on and taken on board by me. I couldn't take it all in, I'lle be reading it again and again tonight.....

Xxx

[PeppiPatty]

Yep, it's the third paragraph that gets me confused. It's a good paragraph but I gotta read it again. I can cope with the Boundries after that paragraph.....that's something I'm dealing with.

My stalker/ ex boyfriend is just awful. I was so stuck with what to do, the police weren't listening and oh......I was falling apart a little.

so this is going to read weird but ......someone said something that reminded me of this awful thing my father did over 10 years ago, that was very self involved of him......I sold my home and spent the interest on living and therapy on my children, it was hard those years I was working full time,,,trying to get by....and my oldest son is still forgiving me for doing it.the Good thing was the therapy, but what my Dad did....golly...it's too awful to write about and I'm still coming to terms with it. My experience is in no way as absolutely awful as some and this is what keeps me going but it was a bad experience for me. my Dad asked me to move, I did then he spent a few years trying to get my children taken away from me, my darling son wAs the one who missed out the most, some awful things happened to him like he was sexually abused and all that, the rest of my family, after over ten years are beginning to recognise how bad we all had it.
anyway, I'm talking to a friend on this, he says, wow, you are still so so angry........I went home and thought that this is what ille be carrying if I don't do something about the stalker......I wrote a letter of complaint about how the police have treated me and tomorrow, I'm trying for another restraining order....this time I won't get all fragile because of stress.

Boundries.......

[PeppiPatty]

Oh dearest @kato......
I wanted to write that I deeply apologise for writing about my mess after a liberating message from our friend. @kristin then I read that poem from @tightcontrol which is Lovely...... and then reading ....Sandy....You rock!!
Your just having a hiccup @kato.....;0)
Changing meds IS life changing. I don't have the patience that others have to slowly help you through this but honey.......you are on our minds we all know that this time is a time for you and what you give is more that anyone can expect.
I don't know what your going through but you have always been a llight in the forums, I remember your beautiful messages, Ille find em again........
You and your messages, haven't I re read your messages in the past and gotten back to you that they are all relevant and are caring when you were insecure in the past ?

Maybe, a rest is what you are asking for.
If you feel your lost, maybe that is the reson why. Yes, you can rest until the court case...........you can tell yourself you can rest honey........

[Alessandra1992]

Hey @kato
You know I think you are awesome, just reminding you that I have always found you to be honest on these forums and that is a real gift. I would be as skittish as cat on a hot tin roof, and I would probably experience a whole lot of anxiety if I was going to court..
So I think you taking the time to reflect on how far you've come compared to where you were it is important to get some balance.
You might have made some mistakes, and acted in ways you wished you hadn't, but I sincerely hope the courts acknowledge the hard work you have put in since accepting you do have challenges with your mental health..
So maybe your future may not be filled the same wrongs, and maybe just maybe your future will be filled with more rights? And who knows what kind of rights you may end up getting involved with? You might become a strong advocate for mental health reforms. You might become the beacon for hope right here, for all of us who may also feel shame for our actions..
Because we are all human, valuable and precious and you know what else? We all stuff up, and some of stuff up a lot..and that still doesn't mean we can't change, learn and grow in ways we do not know..
Courage @kato, strength and warm hugs!
In Italy we would say Forza!!
In Star Wars " may the force be with you" the force of friendship and hope from all of us to you!!!

[kristin]

Dear Anne,

Best of luck with the new restraining order application - good on you. SO sorry to hear about your son being abused. I am not surprised that you are still terribly angry - I would be too. That has life-long impacts. One might eventually come to forgive, but I don't honestly think I could ever forget or trust someone again for behaving that way with such devastating consequences.

Sending you warm hugs.

Take care of you!

Hope for peace from past (all?) unhealthy relationships endures...

Kindest regards, 

Kristin

[PeppiPatty]

That the darling @kristin,
guess what? I submitted the complaint in
Got a restraining order
called the police tonight and they....that's the police HeaRd me

.Yay. Yippee.


And only ate half block of chocolate but also......had all blood tests done and.....I'm normal......thyroid still good.
I've been hoping that I'm going to grow another leg or arm and have to rest more therefore cannot clean home but no such luck......

Ps....reason why so happy :,the police heard me. They are serving him a restraining order. So so happy. And have made a friend.
Same age,
normal neurotic but blurry around the edges.
Loves her three children.
proud consumer like all of us here.....she's like, a friend.
Taken two years of checking each other out.

And the police heard me when i was telling them of what was happening for me.

[PeppiPatty]

Yes.

[kato]

@PeppiPatty@Alessandra1992@kristinand anyone else i may have missed

Anne, no need to apologise it seems the tidings have been good for you, in regards to the restraining order, i enjoy being able to see when things are going good, or when someone needs to get something off there chest so to speak so i like that you were comfotable in sharing what you have been going through.

Kristin as always you know the right things to say, to help keep my mindset in the right place

Sandy, i think you are awesome, my psychologist mentioned today that she really likes how honest i am about what i do am feeling am thinking, i was also reminded by her that as it has been mentioned here, my ability to identify thoughts and feelings seperately, something i tend to not realise i do, which is helpful for me.

I was very open and forth coming at my appointment today, and it was really helpful for me, i have found that the side effects from changing the meds are lessoning, and clarity is coming back again which is making me happy, i am realising things that i am doing are in response to my thoughts, and that then affects my feelings which affects my behavior, which is CBT i finally actually could grasp the concept and realised that was me two years ago, looking at things in a combined emotional and logical mindset and keeping an even balance between the two, which in turn gives me an anchor to remind myself of how to think, and deal with things that are out of my control. I used to be very good at this, so the realisation that i can find my way back to the balance is promising.

I had a good chat with my parents tonight regarding everything as well, so all in all, i am starting to see the silver lining, i also am prepared to encounter hurdles on my journey but i am gaining the right skill set's to be able to hopefully deal with them better

Thank you to everyone

[Alessandra1992]

@justanothrr47yr and @kato

Hear my hooting? Woohoo! Claps and loud calling "Bravissimo Kato e Bravissima Anne!""
Congratulations on your good news, Anne such a thrill to read the police are listening and helping!!
Kato..it is so good you are working through things and cooperating with help..sounds as though you have created a great working relationship with your psychologist and that makes the work you are doing just a bit easier..in that when we trust who we work with, we will try new strategies and techniques..
Have a wonderful weekend..I am heading out to get some down time...serenity now 🙂