Lived Experience Forum

[StanD]

Hey @hanami I'm over here. Not fair to make @Loz_3647  post about me. Everyone is welcome here to post. It's kinda my thread, for me to post specific things to me, otherwise, I love the idea of everyone & anyone posting whatever they want here.

I'm glad my words are considered kind. It was nice to read 

It's really nice to read that you want to know if I'm safe. I didn't expect. It's so nice to be asked.

I can't really answer @hanami define safe??!! LoL - ish 

The thing about suicide, is we don't really know, do we? That is very scary to me. In this moment, yes, I guess I'm safe. It is beautiful, warm, sunny in Melbourne today 🌞 I'm planning on getting house work done, & @SmilingGecko mentioned yesterday about hugging a tree.

I have a very favourite tree. This tree loves me. It has been growing tall, waiting for me. I can't get to it today - "it's complicated"

I will go to the park perhaps.

There is a tree there with distinct male anatomy. It's comical & fascinating. I feel lucky to know about it. Maybe I will photograph if tree isn't shy! I get the feeling he/she, is not!

The cats are good. Give dog love❤️

[hanami]

Yes @StanD thank you for taking this off Loz's post. It was good to do that. A good idea.

It sounds like some good things will happen today out in the Melbourne sunshine!

Thanks for your reply. Hope you can take a nice pic or two!!!

[StanD]

I love our interactions @Appleblossom 

You are amazingly caring human.

I am very happy for you - & me, that your problem was, in a sense resolved, by changing the 'story' - you explained it better than I did.

I went to church online last Sunday. I was too exhausted. I love the feeling the sermons give me. The church building. I feel solace & connection. I'm not 'in' with the ladies, or men there yet. And I feel cautious. I cannot do social politics. I'm frightened of losing my call sanctuary, if I get too involved with people. I can also understand - what is church, without people? 

It can be very difficult.

I cannot draw either. Most of my art is putting tool to paper & see what happens. I think the colour is more important to me. Drawing swirls... Or sunsets.. Easy, & picking the best contrasting, or complimentary colour. 

This is way more psychedelic than anything I've created.

(I'm almost waiting to be asked to see - I don't know if I want to share - I do!) I want to boast haha! But it's personal too. But be proud of my efforts - don't hide away.

I did get good rest last night. Thankyou, I hope you have been able too as well.

@TAB comment about consciousness& sleep! 

Sleep...

   Or Dreams..

        I wonder?

It's basically hot today Melbourne. I can hear it. Can you?

[TAB]

Justhad booster plus flu shots think cut shopping trip short.just at chemist @StanD 

[SmilingGecko]

Hugging trees can literally dispel any fear and ground you so deeply, apart from giving you an oxytocin boost which is the hormone that is created when you are in a loving relationship @StanD Its a remedy in my toolkit when life becomes a bit much for me. I hope you enjoy your afternoon. Its sunny and very windy here in Melbourne. The garbage has been collected and I've brought in my crystals from last nights full moon.  I'm waiting for some Vitamin C moisturising serum. I saw it on Dr. Oz years ago.  Its a real threat to the plastic surgery profession. I've seen grandmas a bit older than me use it and they look incredible! lol

I also wanted to leave this with you that I posted elsewhere on SANE, its a simple technique that is easy to use and may enable you to freely mingle at social gatherings without getting anxieties activated based on what has happened in the past ❤️

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U3wf2x2vCLk

[Appleblossom]

@StanD I loved your conversation to @hanami about trees and managing stuff online.  Social politics is always hard, on here and irl.  I think I had to practice on here before I managed it in real life.  Your conversation makes me feel very normal.  Not sure if it is do with some similar attachment issues from childhood and personality styles.   

Tbh, I see early small amount of psychedelic use as a protective factor for me.  It probably opened up neural pathways in my brain that enabled me to appreciate and see awe, that may never have occurred due to all the trauma I had also experienced.  So now that it is being used experimentally I find it quite interesting.  BUT it is not a fix all solution without other supports and therapy in place.  My last 'trip' was in Athens overlooking the Parthenium over 40 years ago!  In a funny way ... for me ... awe ... spiritulity and religion ... and biochemistry is all a big mix.  In a way I feel lucky for having many of my experiences... eg girl in chem lab at school ... offered me my first ..so always have been a bit science based and experimental ... Loved Kubla Khan from Year 11 lit too.

https://www.litcharts.com/poetry/samuel-coleridge/kubla-khan#:~:text=“Kubla%20Khan”%20can%20be%20rea... 

Anyway that was my mindset with it all ...

Before, I started standing my ground on here ... all I did before was WORK, PEOPLE PLEASE, and WITHDRAW when conflict or hostility emerged.  

The situation last night ... corrected ... when I did a quick no BS ... 'you got it wrong about my eyesight'... but no flare up ... and another... mini adjustment about it being personal choice when it was right to "stretch oneself" ... she had said ... other things ... and I was a little agitated during the playing ... we played music for 2 hours straight ... then had tea.

In the conversation ... we four had intelligent discussion both personal and general ... we are all highly educated older professionals ... so if we are gonna be able to work together... there has to be space for authenticity.  I am pretty used to playing 2nd fiddle ... but also opened up in a no nonsense way that surprised her ... and she adjusted her manner of interacting with me to a bit more respect.

I vented about the situation with my counsellor on Monday ... and I think that, and mentioning it to you, helped me free up and relate in "present moment" with the group, without bringing all my trauma, but also bringing my strength ... with a little trauma ... everyone has some, to be honest and human.

My church situation was a bit tricky for first 2 years.  Its just starting to get better.  I had to push back against ... stigma ... etc.  I felt very disturbed about it all behind the scenes (including very suicidal).  Somehow I have a weird attribute that keeps me ... at it ... the LIFE thing ... tho I do feel detached also ... and am ready to go ... when it is my time.  Taking active steps to end it ... is another matter ...

I do hope something works out for you in real life.  I sense a beautiful soul in you.

[Shaz51]

Hello and hugs @Appleblossom , @StanD , @SmilingGecko , @TAB , @hanami 

Please keep tagging me here xxxx

[hanami]

Nice to see you hear @Shaz51 ❤️

[Appleblossom]

Saw this @StanD and thought of you.

There is a link to the Victorian Housing Registry on it.

https://www.unitingvictas.org.au/services/homelessness-housing/community-housing/ 

There are probably a few different ways to find a solution to the housing issue.  Hope you are doing alright and get decent support with it.

[StanD]

Cool you thought of me @Appleblossom thankyou.

My head is not working today. It woke up now. Over medicated. My new PSW is here. She is nice. I don't what you do. It's weird. I'm laying in bed because I don't have energy to interact. I will get up soon. I'm just so tired. @TAB