Lived Experience Forum

[StanD]

It might be nice to talk @StanD 

We haven't caught up for a while now. I know you have lots going on, & you don't have much time for me these days. It's ok. I know you are coping best you can. Distractions, dress-ups, playing different parts. I can see you having fun. That's ok. I also know, when there are moments in between, - the silence .. you are sad. Afraid. Terrified. Hopeless. Alone. Stuck inside a nightmare, with no clear way out. I know, in the silence, you suffer. You plead. You WANT to die. I'm so sorry this is happening to you ... Now.. It's OK. I'm here. I've always been here. It's scary cause we barely know each other anymore. I understand the pain. I'm here Now, because this is the time you truly need ME. I am Hope. Your hope. We have met many times before. I was a friend too difficult to maintain. You abandoned me because this was your means to survive. You know me. And, I know you. I want you to lean on me. Anytime - as it is comfortable for you. I will never leave you. I am you. In the sadness & pain, I sit with you, holding you, holding your hand. We can do this. Together. You and I. I am here. ALWAYS. With You. 

The 'others', 'outside' - they are us too. What we see, what We believe. What We fear. What we want & need. There are some, we need to protect ourselves from. Perhaps they need love. It is not for us to examine, or contribute too. We are not responsible. Our responsibility is to ourselves. We .... You .... I am special. Sacred. Vulnerable. Innocent. The ways of the evil, are not for us to save, it place ourselves in harm's way. We cannot protect them. Forget them, please. They are not your problem to fix. We must first, always first protect us. The sacred, infinite beauty. Though it cannot ever be corrupt, there are those that seek to take & use it. You will not see them. That is why you cannot seek to fix them. You can ONLY seek - the right paths - that honour, & value & encourage you to be true. 

Those moments, when you feel still. Joy. Harmony. Worthy. These are the paths.

[TAB]

https://youtu.be/4afYod7e_0g

😎 @StanD  (roomie) .lol  yeah deep

[StanD]

Have a good satdy nite @TAB roomie x🌙x

[TAB]

Just christened new airfryer @StanD  best frozen chips. Bed now

[StanD]

Good one @TAB best chips are best.

[StanD]

Hello @Appleblossom 

I wanted to talk with you anyway, & I saw your 'stay in touch' comment now. I think you get it that I'm writing to express & share. 

It got wonky. I hate the thought of unloading this on you. I know it's ok.

I have been drinking for the last week. I found out I like getting drunk. Like I did in my teens & 20's. I completely forgot how fun it was too feel so relaxed with myself. Last night it all reached its crescendo.

After the full day I had - I grabbed a bottle. Weird tho. It was on my mind to go bottlo O, I wasn't going to bother, I was worn out, driving to friend place.

Van with trailer was blocking my left turn. We sat, our cars facing each other. It was clear he had no intention of moving. 

There was a parking lot directly next to me - across the road, was the bottle shop! I literally had to park.

Yada ...yada.. Late in night, bottle empty, I cried & swore & yelled (no screaming) I didn't drive, tho I considered it. I held down a car horn for extended time, probably upsetting surrounding houses.

Everything, all these things, stresses, hurts, neglects, wants, needs, sadness fell out of me with no effort or organising. I was yell crying for maybe an hour. Pure emotion.

My friend, I found him 'sleeping' in his car. I was so hurt. The whole time, I thought I was talking to him. I asked him what he was doing in the car? He said, he needed peace. 

(Away from me?) He has told me he doesn't want to see me today.

My head hurts - maybe from alcohol, I don't get hangovers - I'm hurting from crying so hard. My eyes are puffy. 

I don't accept his response. 

Admittedly, I don't remember much of what I said. I think I was accusing him of lacking integrity. Not only him, the world in general. The extreme neglect I have had to endure my entire life .... & now, getting these small supports through NDIS ....& my friend .... it triggers me, levels.

I LOVE & appreciate the help I am FINALLY getting. I am basically certain, I wouldn't make it, without help of others. And, also, it's peanuts!!

I deserve so much more. I'm worth so much more. 

I still feel like, I'm on the bottom. Scared of what happens if I don't show full appreciation for the scraps being tossed to me.

It was the same with my ex. I was thankful to have roof over my head. .... & now that is being taken away. 

I don't want to repeat.

I'm really sad & disappointed in my new friends managing of situation. Maybe he is not my person after all. Haven't I paid enough?! Why must I continue to beg - when all I want - is too be loved? Give love. Experience love. 

I can't do this with restrictions always on me...

I tried. It destroyed me, MY life - I may NEVER recover. That is what I paid. I won't, can't, do it again.

I get about respecting other people's wishes, & boundaries - & I'm def. a novice, willing to learn. 

I don't want to sacrifice my boundaries. I'm the important ONE. I'm the ONE, at the end of the day, who pays. I get to choose what I can afford. I get to determine what I need to  increase my savings. 

Can we share & build up each other's back account?

Who do I choose, trust, to share & build with? 

Maybe in practical, worldly ways - I AM the bottom of scrap pile. Not real money, facing homelessness , no designer labels - 'jeggings I bought from Rivers at least 3 seasons ago', .

No family.

That one really hits. 

And no real friends - except that beautiful fluffy warm bodies snuggling with me now.

Yet, I could make another person rich!! Super rich! That's what I think anyway. Do, I really believe it? I feel like I do ... I feel like I KNOW it.

I don't know what else to say. I wanted to record today. I don't really like that this is all public. In my head I'm only with to you.

Gonna stay off the drinking. Well that is my thoughts in this moment. I forgot how fun drunk was - it's a good thing, & I wish I didn't know in a way. I won't let it get out of control .... I hope. I don't even want to be a 'civilised consumer.' Idk if I'm a drinker now?

Is it good for me? Or a bad thing? Idk anymore. I think I want a break tho.

The End

[fluffylight]

Hello @StanD

I'm fluffylight 😊 one of the peer support worker-moderators here.

Thank you for sharing, it sounds like you've been having a hard time. I appreciate you sharing this and seeking care for yourself  💛  

It must be frustrating to have this experience with your friend.. sometimes we can't control what other people choose to do.. its a hard truth I've struggled to accept myself as other peoples actions do affect me.

I wanted to share some resources with you if you feel like extra support: 

• SANE offers 1 on 1 phone support with Peer Support workers if you feel like having more 1 on 1 support SANE guidedservice: SANE drop-in services are staffed by qualified team of counsellors and people with lived experience of mental health issues who will provide you with free digital and telehealth support, information and referrals.’ --- Click here for more info if you would like to have a look -- https://www.sane.org/referral
• https://alcoholthinkagain.com.au/get-help (24/7 alcohol support)
• https://positivechoices.org.au/information/where-to-get-help/ (info on where to get help)

I hope you continue to get warm fluffy cuddles and finding the light you need 💛

Please continue to reach out, we are here to support.

fluffylight x 

[StanD]

Thanks @fluffylight I am ok. The thing about me is I express very deep troubling intense feelings. I'm kinda always ok (so far) I think it's cause I let it out, it really is problem halved. I think the people who know me on here, know I'm ok, fine - despite the expression of anguish, torment. What I lack, is confidence in knowing what is ok to share & what is not. 👍

[fluffylight]

Thank you for letting me know you're okay @StanD 

It's great that you have the tools to share what's going on! I admire it. 

Hope your day goes okay 🙂 

fluffylight 

[Appleblossom]

Gentle Hugs @StanD 

Hope you are recovering from hangover and tummy and feelings are more settled.

I have often thought ... same as you wrote ... "I AM the bottom of scrap pile. "

Yet also know I have lots to offer.  It is weird.

First off ... I am no sucess re relationships and guys.  Mostly I prefer men as mates, cos when they want a googoo girl ... it just aint me ... and believe me I have tried.  I have come to understand that with "love" relationships I trauma bond.  Used to it, I replicate it.  Left husband over 20 years ago (very physically and emotionally damaged) and not tried again.  Had a couple nosey around, but cos I was teaching privately and part time ... had enough quiet genuine personal interactions to satisfy me.

The whole kaboodle thing... does not seem to work for me ... I am TOO passionate and needy and giving ... I have kids so I have responsibility to them over self, and that does have grounding effect on me.

Re alcohol.  Bottom line.  Getting drunk once or twice wont make you a drinker unless you want it.  I saw enuff drunks that did not impress me as a kid, and never really went for it.  As a teen I experimented with everything harder and told should avoid the booze for life ... and did ... it actually gave me a cred... as when at uni .. with all the uber cool rich suburb kids ... I was back from year trip and mature age ... I laughed, joined in , socialised, but could easily stop at one ... it became my thing.  No thanks. Dont let me stop you... Before that I was more easily lead and desperate to fit in ..... at uni I had a direction ... also with my trip ... it was GOOD cos I had a dirrection ... I was either ... getting to London ... or getting back home ... and hoppping here and there as I liked and situations emerged.

There are "fun" aspects of those days I like ... I like to dance ..

this year I have joined a jazz club ... so getting up to dance ... most months is nice... and nostalgic .... funny thing one time ... a group of 3 'ladies' drunk as skunks ... put out the noses of the nicer jazz club peoiple ... they were being awful on the dance floor and full ... of 'I can do what i want' ... and not getting out of the way of those dancing around in a circle with fancy footsteps and needing to co-ordinate with each other.   I am NOT that kind ... of do what I want.  When doing free flow dancing ... course its easier to move a step out of the way of others, without arguing ... I did have a joke or 2 with them about Europe and d ope ... etc ... but basically I get along   and am not rude or nasty or ... that selfish.  They never came back ... and club secretary did notice that I was tryng to mediate ... 

I buy boxes of wine ... for fundraisers ... drink a few bottles per year ... if that ... due to my loyalty to my brother ... who did drink ... lightly ... I determined NEVER to be  a teatotaller ...still have not used up all my bottles ... as an ex .. the best way to have mastery over a substance ... is to have it around and not be tempted ... eg that is how I finally gave smoking cigs.... etc etc ...

I have known homelessness ... twice

... but also canny about paying my rent or mortgage ... now.  Done it since I was 16 and helped my schiozphrenic ex husband ... figure out the hallucinations from the hard realities that were non negotiable .. what could be imagination ...food, housing, family legal and other meds ... etc etc ...  saw him yesterday ... weary sigh.

I doubt I will find a soulmate ... cos I am too mixed up ... high functioning .. plus traumatised.

Best path forward for you ... from what I get on these pages ... is hang on to what works ... 

Figure what is secure ... for you and your fur family... you may get lucky ... but ... as we age ... chances are ... ??? ...  

Part of my heart will be on the street... but I also know concrete aint comfy.... even with a blankie.

Glad you are on NDIS ... the thing about begging  ... we can talk about later ... I have joined a facebook ... NDIS page ... I dont post much so you will not see me there (re anon guidelines) ... but it is really helpful ... to sift out the issues... beyond all the small print ... and verbiage ... etc.

Bottom line ... get your own housing sorted ... apply ... get on a list ... dont rely on a guy for it ... find a guy who is equally placed as you ... if you need that ... then you can share ... or split ... but splitting does not damage your foundation ... a place to live ... I cannot tell how to live your life ... but that is my instinct .. as you have trusted me and asked.