ever wonder why

[maddison]

Hi @wordman thankyou for replying. Thankyou for generously offering that I am allowed to vent to you. I am trepidatious about writing you because I don't want to upset you or anyone else who happens to read this.

I don't want to feel you are in a dark place or a suffering any ill feelings of any kind.

I am suffering. I miss my friend terribly. I don't want to be alone. I am good during the day, the night is very hard & I am very sad. We have known each other for 20 years. He is my best friend. I'm finding it overwhelming to let him go. I feel despair.

My future is uncertain. The support I am getting is more than I could imagine. That is what is keeping me moving forward.

I think suffering is normal, right? I'm not sure. I feel ready to move on & at the same time, I feel so sad & as though things are not moving fast enough.

The situation I am in - it is horrible to see someone you thought you loved, taken by drugs & I have no control over it. I know it is unhealthy & cruel for me to be living like this.

I feel like if I was offered a new house to live in tomorrow, I would go - and at the same time, I am feeling like I don't want to live by myself. That will be new for me. I have done it in the past. It was not all bad - but I lost part of myself. I am a person who very much thrives in the company of other good people. I am worried for my future.

I have lots of special strangers around me right now. They are holding me. I can feel it. They are showing me the way, directing me & giving me the strength that is too much for me to carry on my own. 

I don't have my love tho. I don't have my special person.

That is the bit I'm finding very hard.

Am I being immature? Do I need to grow up & accept that there is only me? I had love, now it is gone. That's life. I will be ok on my own? I don't know? I want my friend back. He is lost. I can't find him. I don't know where that goes?

One day I was happier than I've ever been. And  now it's gone. It makes me very sad. I really need people, the right people, people who love me for me & who cherish me & value me. I need to be loved & accepted. I need my own special person. 

I think that's all for now. My face is covered in tears & I need to eat. 

[wordman]

@maddison Hello Maddison. Thank you for your reply. I found your reply to be extremely heartfelt. Very strong in context of where you are at the moment and what you seek. You are not being immature. I would say the loss of your friend has made you somewhat insecure. Please correct me if I am wrong. Suffering may be normal, however we don't have to let suffering take us to a dark place or feel anything negative. Good lessons can be learnt from suffering. Your lessons appear to be lessons of loss and grief. Carry the strength your support networks are giving. Use that strength to move forward. Move to a brighter place full of light and joy. Wipe away your tears and replace them with smiles and laughter. Pondering on your friend can give valuable lessons of life. You say he was taken by drugs. I say understand the error of his ways. I have definitely understood the error of my ways and it helped me to grow and learn about myself which ultimately has allowed me to be where I am today. Begin to love yourself rather then seek love elsewhere. Love comes from within. Love exceeds all boundaries of grief and sorrow. I hope I have been helpful. Accept yourself for who you are. Acceptance from other people is a fragmented and fickle reality. Don't rely on acceptance from others, rely on acceptance of yourself. I hope you had a nice meal and that your meal stopped the tears. 

Kind Regards 

Wordman 

[hanami]

Hi @maddison 

I'm so sorry things are so tough for you and that you are struggling. I'm so glad you're getting a lot of support though. Be kind and patient with yourself.

Sending hugs

💘

[maddison]

Yes, you are right (I think) @wordman Thankyou very much for supporting & counselling me. I was not expecting a reply. I completely understand it is not your job to counsel me in this way. Thankyou so much for going beyond & answering my message with kindness & compassion. 

I like that you said to understand the error of ways & gave me encouragement to move to a better place, of light & love. 

Yes, love is fickle. 

I believe in what you say. It's about loving myself & self acceptance. 

I did already know this. 

I'm very confused & emotional.

I want you & others to know I am getting professional support. I am speaking with various services basically daily. 

I am appreciative of your reply wordman. 

I'm finding it difficult to speak.

Thankyou.

[maddison]

Thankyou @hanami kind & patient. Thankyou.

@wordman I will need to read your reply a few more times. My reply, might have been not quite  what I wanted to fully say. I really need time to absorb your advice & comfort. Oh, I did feel better after eating & writing. The tears did go away, briefly. You are generous & kind to offer these words to me. I think I am definately experiencing feelings of insecurity.

[wordman]

@maddison Hello Maddison. Take your time to reply to my post. I am grateful to provide you with advice and counselling. Don't feel rushed or act in haste. I am not going anywhere. Always here to hear your words. 

Kind Regards 

Wordman

[maddison]

@wordman I'm not sure exactly how I want to reply. I have been tossing around opposing responses. 

I think the most important thing for me right now is knowing I have communication available to me.

There has been another crisis here. I was unprepared. I somehow saw myself facing a truth. My chest is unable to expand. My heart is beating too fast. 

I am in the middle of eating my dinner. 

I thought about s uicide.

Please, I want to reiterate that I have professional supports. I know you know this.

I want to read your letter again & reply.

[maddison]

12

[Former-Member]

@maddison ❤️ I know you said you have some supports, so I just wanted to check in. 

Are you worried about your thought of suicide? 

Sitting with you ❤️ 

[maddison]

Thankyou @Former-Member that is a good question. I am not concerned about my safety in regards to suicide at the moment. I might mention it to professional. Thankyou for sitting with me! The silence is deafening, as the saying goes. I will be ok. It was a hard day all day today. I have plans for the rest of week & I'm really looking forward to meeting new people. Very isolated right now. Thankyou very much for checking in on me. Means a great deal.