ever wonder why

[tonys]

@maddison   With the breeze,  my dear friend,  and where a little cool breeze is needed.

  Little conversations ,  thats the one ,  forgot the name but not the artist or words.

How are you this day.    Mate,  loyalty for me is paramount,  so if  you don't hear from me for a bit,.......     well  ....   you know,.......   gathering thoughts,   chicken,  duck and geese eggs,    but mostly thoughts..

I remember a time   a while back when Sophia went missing at sea.   I  searched and searched.    Now look at her.    broken wings mending and she is holding hands with friends again...      I think she has strong connections so,   while i think about her heaps,    I'm not adding to her over flowing life and mail box,   but she knows if her world comes undone,  my 'loyalty life boat' and friend ship are at the ready.

You,  i feel are on more fragile turf,  and that is why I ,   and others,  will go over board to send love to you,     We are not trained for this, .........   but we are you're friends.  and i count my self luckiest of all to be so close and share with you ............ friend....

I have said it before ,..    I will always sway your way. ......    Loyalty... 

I am in the shed with a heap of spanners and tractor bits all around me.    To make matters worse porky the pig,  and swamp thing,   my huge hairy pooch ,  insist on helping on helping. 

Wet noses down the back of my neck, slobber ,  grunts and greese.. ...... just.. great  arrrr.........     but you know what...!    its unconditional love and I'm grateful for all i am given

Your always loyal friend...............    tonys   moon base one,       Now lets open that lunch box and share our lollies..

[maddison]

Hello friend tonys, @tonys 

It's ok if I don't hear from you. Thankyou for helping me as you and all the others have.....I might need you, I don't know... Is it ok if I write to you?

Your letters make me happy. I don't want to be greedy. I want you to be happy. I can't help it that I like you so much.

Gather your thoughts... If you must. Remember me & if you ever get the tiniest glint to reach me... Please do.

I like this word loyalty.... royal - strong.

You are right. I am fragile. 

I'm scared to say I found where to hold... All I can say is    now 

I imagine I visit you one day & you show me all the animals, the sky, the grass, rabbit, cat horse. I will let swamp thing bowl me over & cover me in scary dog drool. The geese & I may have an issue. I've never met a pig, I would love too. Are they smooth pink pigs - no I think it hairy brown and white?

Animals, can't contain their affection.

Hmm I wonder what you think of me sharing this thought.

Dogs only want to give love & be loved.

Cats want you to love yourself.

It was kind of you to mention Sophia. I want to send her gratitude & strength too.

I finished another poem. I want to share it with.

Is ending so bad 

The pain alone sad 

More on the way 

Harrowing Day 

Night jumbley

I need my lungs 

Can I find them 

No 

Endure 

Not me 

Enough 

Good days bad days 

Tiring my mind 

Exhausting 

fill spaces 

What love 

Would do this to me 

Twisted in shadows 

In black loud old fat trunk tree 

Where WERE YOU !! 

I was only a child 

Love, covered my mouth 

Hate, I smile 

Black 

I spin spin spin 

You see me 

I love You 

I Love all of you 

So much 

Forever

Eternal Hands 

Cup.

Are there any lollies there that you like? 

Gather together, ..your thoughts, my most beautiful, gorgeous friend.

PS - don't forget - I'm here, so please write to me!!!

[tonys]

@maddison   O k.   thats the tractor fixed..    Iove the click of an old diesel engine.    Every time i work on the old girl,  i"m either short  a piece,   or have 2 left over...

Now.....  whats this ..of coarse you can write me any time....    thats what ive been saying all through my letters.   And i hope you dont just write me went you need me,   I want to hear about your triumphs too,   and don't worry,...      they will come if you work your problems,  and keep reaching out..         Your words,..... the cats want you to love yourself...   and i recon you do,  but maybe you havnt found the right professional to help,    Took half a century for someone to see how bent outta shape i was..    am, ...  was....    O.K.    ok .....   am,     But  I am a hard worker and a pest,          never owned a computor and now i have friends on this thing.    I.......    the world wants to hear from you.           Just get up...   and out,       and meet it half way.

Animals cant contain there love ,  i agree,  ...         People are just animals that walk upright

looking for somewhere to place there love, ......     well....    emotions.                A home

The only home i truly trust is the one i built in me.      I lived on the city streets for years and had more friends and social structure than i have now.    

Every time we share words,   you are in my home.

and im in yours.                                No locks on my doors mate.  

There are days that never end here.    Midnight when the world sleeps,  we meet, If you ever..ever  dont here from me,   I have either,   lost reception,    computers,  caught fire,  been swallowed by a flying saucer, .....   all of the above..

In answer,..........   my pigs are pink with black or dark patches,  not hairy ..  huge  ,peaceful  ,  and always hungry.         Like  looking in the mirror

All i can say is ,    whenever where ever..   im here,,    we are all  here... 

Big hug ..    Check out the hug from Apple blossom,      Luv ya mate...  

Book keepers back from the bakery....         Lets    EAT !   and ill give you poem another good going over.   tonys moonbase one

[maddison]

Finally! You gave me your age. My god tonys, that took a second. So, 50....ish?

Thanks to your encouragement I've made the first step in booking my professional counselling. It was already in the plans for next year.

I feel a small sense of accomplishment. 

I'm so happy you've welcomed & reassured me. I didn't mind giving you space... and I will. Space is good....I feel lots better, knowing you are still around - pending fires/UFOs

I'm happy you see that I have love for myself. I agree, I don't think that is my main issue. I think my problems are about insecurities related to thinking. The house I've built inside of me, I believe it is solid....

I see what you are saying about sharing my wins & meeting the world half way & I love that you give me confidence that the world wants me. I see triumphs in everyday. Everyday, I am able to express myself, collect myself, honour myself, & those around me. They might not seem as big starting a new career, making a new friend. To me, they are huge value. Each word I write & step I take... I believe you see it too.

Soooo... No locks on your doors? It's really not my place to say & yet I will. I see some small locks on you tonys. And that is perfectly ok. Maybe I'm misinterpreting. I know you have lots of love to give...& take (as I want for you) Like, an entire world of love in you.

I think I am softer than you.... at the core.

What do you think of all that!!?

Too much?

Don't worry I won't ever tell anyone what is yours to keep.

Midnight is for you & me only....?

My poem . It is words on paper..I know what it means to me. If you ever want me. to explain anything about anything. ask...me. You know I would give all my lollies to anyone who needed them.... Maybe I will keep one?

@tonys ❤️

[maddison]

I recalled I wanted to tell you. 

When I wrote to you about the trauma & desperation I was going through - I have never been able to express myself like that to another person my entire life.

Thankyou my great friend tonys

@tonys 11.59pm...eee

[tonys]

@maddison    Little locks on me ,  eh,...    Theres my clever girl..      And yes you are probably way softer than me,    we agree..    But then only a woman's heart truly knows the pain,   depth and meaning of love,   They do all the waiting,...       like only a woman can wait....  silently, patiently,    ....  For things to get better,.....     for him to stop doing it,...  for lost ones to come back....  for  flowers to grow in stone......    peace in the home.....  bruises to heal ....     love to be... real

Time has its effect on locks. 

You sound a little better,      i hope you are a little better.

Now....     don't just expect the first counsellor to do their job .   You may be case number 368209983.......  next.

Make em earn it...      I had to see a, ....  no disrespect,   i cant spell it.   'top shrink',  and then all the stars aligned.

You talked about how you would love it on the farm,   and you would,    but i would also love,   ......  did love it,   right where you are.       So much more i could draw from.   Every shape ,  colour,   culture ,  Thousands of faces to draw,   and you can bet  i made up little stories about each and every one of those people.   Frankston to St kilda,    Stopping all stations ....

See...  everyone thinks you have to leave your mark in the world...    big goals ,  conquests,

a legacy.      Well there is a kind of peace in leaving no foot prints,  no trails.  just tiny steps living day to day in peace.   Your drawings,   the words you leave in your friends memories Rejoice in that and anything else is a bonus.. 

But that why i like you Maddison...    You already know all this,    I'm just affirming it for you.

Well my favourite time,   all the animals here embraced in the safety of sleep,   dreaming their little animal dreams........    I'll pack a lunchbox for us tomorrow,  and  we will share our hopes and dreams again...                                         

tonys .................  moon base one

[tonys]

@maddison   hello there Maddison.   Just popping in quick to see how your day is...    hoping you are out for a walk,  or knitting new ideas.  I wanted to say thanks for your special letter about your release and choosing me to catch all those falling  feathers.   Maybe thats the small beginnings of a new  idea in you and worlds have been built on less than that .    I'm always here and I've got big arms for you my dearest friend.    

Was a little low on air last night,   forgot my ticker tabs..... again.   

I'm in the dog house today big time  !      The bookkeeper baked a big pie in the wood stove for all of us to share.  The smells coming out of that kitchen have been driving me nuts all morning.

You can bet i was first to the table when the lunch bell summoned.

Seeing every one eyes closed while she said the prayers ,   ...  Through the window of opportunity i leapt   .     I had the whole pie crust lifted of and nearly on my plate when she opened one eye and busted me.. 

My knuckles are still ringing and i dont understand German but I'm under the tree with the portion she scornfully handed  me. 

You see,  i have come to realise,  just how well i can hide the impulses of my brain injury and autism  with writing on a computor,     but water always finds a way through,    doesnt it.

So if i'm not always at my best,...  well I think you get my point... 

As for the book keeper ,   well shes not much taller than you , loyal,  solid in every sense,

and scares the crapp out of me  when Im out of order.     I'm still hungry and I'm not sure its safe to go back yet...          Least swamp thing still loves me.     

Till next we share                                                                   tonys   moon base one

[maddison]

@wordman Hello 

I wanted to reach out & say thankyou. I have said this before. I appreciate & value your words. Your words mean a great deal to me. 

You don't need to reply. You are welcome, if you choose.

I know, think, believe you are self aware, intelligent to understand my intention.

May you be closer still to Joy. If you choose.

When I see the words, it gives me that, that I did not have before seeing.

This is why, I choose, to write these words to you.

maddison xx 

[wordman]

@maddison Hello Maddison. Thank you for your sincere words. I am not closer to joy because I have found joy in my life. Thank you dearly for inviting me to reply to you. I welcome your words and hope you have joy in your life. Life is perplexing and it poses us with several challenges. I thoroughly enjoy your posts. I do understand your intention of providing comforting words and assurances. I write to you in the hope that my words will continue to provide value and comfort in your life. I have been somewhat dormant on this site of late. This is due to me having to enroll in courses associated with my work. Yes I have been a busy little bee of late. Hold your head up high and be proud of who you are. I don't want to feel you are in a dark place or a suffering any ill feelings of any kind. I will always be here to listen and to, hopefully provide comfort. It brings me joy to see that you appreciate and value what I write. I definitely value and appreciate all the posts I have received. If you ever need to vent, please don't hesitate to do so with me. Keep the faith. 

Kind Regards 

Wordman 

[maddison]

Thanks mate.