Poem - Head Room

[BlueBay]

Hi @GonePirate

Deep down i know i shouldn't have stopped my meds - but i wanted to see if i would be better without them; and like you to feel if i would be 'normal' again without the meds.

But it's not working, i think that's why i have had meltdowns at work today and lost it completely on wednesday morning to the point that i apologised to the pharmacist.  looking back now i was so out of control.  it's my fault i know, i  shouldn't have stopped taking them.

i will go back on tomorrow morning.  i wish i had a close friend that i could talk to and wouldn't judge me.  I had a close freind a few years ago that listened to me but then told me off for telling her so much stuff that she said she couldn't listen to me anymore.  i felt so alone after that, couldn't trust anyone or tell people things.

it's hard @GonePirate to live a life of pretend.  Prented to be happy, pretend to be strong, pretend to smile - when all i want to do is cry.  Why can't i just cry when i want to - because then it feels like i am a failure, a sook - for crying

[GonePirate]

thanks @NikNik for the compliment

i love writing but often feel my vocabulary is lacking compared to to other writers

sometimes i look up words that rhyme with words i know i want to use and cant figure out how to

i find this fun sometimes

as i looking up words ive heard in th dictionary to figure out what they actually mean

i love finding the original meanings to names to that shizzz interests me

and to answer your question i do have support and strategies both in place and ready to be put into place

i wont go into detail but i have a few ive accumulated over the last few years that usually help somewhat

writing is infact one of them

just saying it in rhyme makes the ugly thoughts a prettier and a little easier to sit with

[BlueBay]

I do exactly the same when writing poems @GonePirate.

I am not very good at writing and my words are always basic. I too look at google and find words that rhyme with whatever i write.

My poems are  not that great but I write from my heart and what i am thinking at the time or feeling

[PeppiPatty]

Dear @BlueBay, for many years, I craved and craved love from my Mum. The whole time I have been on sane forums, I have struggled with how to. For 14 years with my Psychotherapist, she has suggested to cut her out and I couldnt.

EVery time I tried to talk about my Father, my step mother and my Mum stopped me to bring it up. My step mother was furious that I tried to contact him and my Mum would absolutely scream if I brought up his name. 

And then I emailed him. We had an email relationsip for about 2 years before he suddenly passed away. 

You will work it out if you can think creatvely on how you can see him. Can you;

write him a card and ask to meet him at a nearby cafe?

TEll him how much you love him? He chooses to be with you Mum so, can you maybe....not talk about her??

Does he go to a certain shop that you can leave a note for him to call you?

The most impoartant person in this life is you, You must always stay safe. 

One day, when I was feeling like...my life was over. That day..... I saw a Psychiatrist that perscribed me more medication; I just....saw that she had unblocked me from her profile from facebook; she has placed terrible resrictions on my relationship with my middle brother. I just...blocked her and stopped calling her. 

[GonePirate]

its a good excericise wether writing or not writing at the time

i feel vocabulary is important

thats why im working on mine

im trying to swear less and talk more

always better to write fromt he heart i say

[Appleblossom]

@PeppiPatty

Love your poem .. yes we are so different .. and yet not ..

@GonePirate Loved yours too. 

Sorry that there is so much darkness.  Better out than in: Writing can be so therapuetic.  Not sure if the imagery is generated by your own personal grief experiences or a generalised exposure to metal music.  Sorry I hope you dont me wondering.  You are just another brodder from another mudder.

Can rap ever be a rhapsody?

I have had many similar images at different times, but I have been clear about the triggers.  Eg I tried to purchase a grave plot in the cemetery that my brother was buried so that I could be close .. and still would choose to be buried there ... but the fellow on the phone could tell that I was a depressed young woman at the time 30s and wouldnt give me information. For a while I spent a fair bit of my "social" time visiting cemeteries.  Cant be buried in my dad and sister's cemetery and the other one is in a beautiful country place but not too far.

I curled up on top of dad's grave a few times to try and feel some sense of the protection of a father .. then I started leaving my car at the cemetery when I went to uni instead of on the street and my practical side managed it as what was possible if lectures and tutes etc fitted in with cemetery open hours. Bottom line was that I my main advantage was that I was more likely to avoid parking fines!

To be honest, I think that cutting the mother out of the equation (of "parents who formed me") and idolising the father keeps patriarchal power imbalances alive and sets woman against woman.  That is why I am so glad that Peppi and a few others feel the sisterhood.

I think we do need to acknowledge both.

[PeppiPatty]

Dear @GonePirate

I say just to use the words you know and the rest, will just come along. 

I write very simply......

I like your writing. Which other threads do you write on? Love your name......

Do you start other threads? I like how you describe yourself.

PP

[BlueBay]

@PeppiPatty

My dad doesn't have a mobile phone, doesn't drive and is hardly alone. My mum is around him most of the time.  If i was to phone their home number I know that she would answer and he never answers the phone or it will go to message bank. 

I am cutting my mum out because she has hurt me so so much to the point that my heart is broken.  I can't email him becuse they dont' have a computer and are not computer literate.  They are both in the late 70's and come from a european background with very little knowledge of english ways. My dad sticks up for her or actually she tells him what she wants him to hear and lies about things. I know what she's like she has done things like this before to my sister.

i remember senidng my dad a birthday present and she returned it including the envelope.

So at the moment i can't contact him, i cry for him, i pray that one day i will see him again and get that hug from him, just like i did when i was a little girl.

I think that deep down he knows what she is like but for some reason he does nothing to be by his kids side. i often think why can't he just pick up the phone when she is out and ring me? why can't he send me a birthday card? he knows when she is not around, even when she goes to the shop to buy milk or bread, he could call me - but he doesn't.

[GonePirate]

thanks @Appleblossom always happy to hear someone enjoyed my creative outlet

at the moment i am feeling alot of darkness

alot of black

some imagery is based of exactly how i feel

i tend not to get metaphorical much

im not much of a thinker more of a feeler if that makes sense???

metal music helps me find an initial tune or beat to follow sometimes

but metal music doesnt to my knowledge influence my 'lyrics'

thats sort of just who i am i guess

im a negetive sort of type

even when up i feel darkness just not as strong and not as imposing

the only thing i sort of made up in this one is the grave stuff

i want to be cremated when my time comes

and mixed into molten steel and forged into a cannonball

then my son or whoever wants it can have a story to tell

what with the cannonball? people will ask. oh that my dad! or thats my husband! whatever

yeh thatd be cool

ive always avoided cemetaries

i live near one

my pop is buried there

i been meaning to go see his plaque but i cant do it

and with what you say about cutting people off

ive done it i dont speak to my sister for numerous reasons

she is toxic to me

and antagonist

and my childhood abuser of the sexual abuse kind

not easy having someone like that in your life

alot easier when you dont have to play happy family and can just avoid them and not see or hear from them

im lucky that 95% of my family just accept without knowing why and dont push the issue

[GonePirate]

ahoy @PeppiPatty i actually started the beer garden thread

other than that i havnt really branched out to many threads yet

still getting my head around how this site works and what not