writing as a form of therapy

[bipolarbunny]

In the past I always seemed to fall into the trap of sharing my journey with the wrong type of people and opening myself up to judgement, ridicule, stigma and/or those who have all the "answers & advice" for me even though they have no experience at all with mental illness. I find it frustrating to put it mildly. So with that frustration in mind, this poem was born. 

Why Do I Bother

Why do I bother confiding at all,

It’s not like it changes a thing,

Nobody gets why I rise and I fall,

I’m feeling punch drunk in the ring,

Society’s normal is all but a ruse,

Conforming perpetuates stress,

I am who I am, if you can’t handle truth,

You do not belong in my mess.

So do not lay folly, to be there for me,

When darkness descends on my worth,

I know you mean well, but your efforts are trite,

I’m falling through hell on this earth,

I do not pretend to know how you feel,

For I am as helpless as you,

So don’t try to walk a mile in my place,

My life doesn’t fit in your shoe.

As hard as it is, to not understand,

Imagine the pretence for me,

Surrounded by people, advice dripping forth,

On issues they can’t even see,

Frustrated, negated, I cannot express,

How lonely it is in my world,

Struggles all tailored completely for me,

With pockets of torment unfurled.

And yet I protest, I’ve been here before,

A watered down version of truth,

How are you doing? I’m doing just fine,

Such pleasantries ache in the tooth,

Just once I would like to be able to hide,

From people who mean me the best,

Cause where is their wisdom at stupid o’clock,

When depression is crushing my chest.

I cannot move on if I cannot be me,

My soul is too wounded to care,

I’m stuck in regret while the world passes by,

“Be Happy”, is too much to bear,

I stick to the shadows where safety exists,

I’d rather be bland than be bling,

Why do I bother confiding at all,

It’s not like it changes a thing.

© BB - 24 Jan 2021

[bipolarbunny]

A lot of what I write are messages to myself. Sometimes to cleanse the worst of days, but sometimes to remind myself that it's not all bad. That's where this one was born. I find if I dwell to much on the darkness, I miss those beautiful little rays of light poking through.

Cherish The Good

Cherish the good,

Survive the bad,

Remember the moments,

You already had,

That resonate warmth,

In the depths of your soul,

Protecting that joy,

Is your number one goal.

Cherish the good,

Survive the bad,

It won’t last forever,

These feelings of sad,

The darkness is fleeting,

The storm clouds will part,

So treasure the wonders,

You hold in your heart.

Cherish the good,

Survive the bad,

These thoughts of salvation,

Are what make me glad,

My freedom is coming,

Of that there’s no doubt,

So plan for a future,

That’s worthy of shout.

Cherish the good,

Survive the bad,

Don’t question the process,

You know you’re not mad,

Just caught in the grip,

Of an illness or two,

Be steadfast and brave,

And embrace being you.

Cherish the good,

Survive the bad,

You know there are days,

That are totally rad,

So brace for the torment,

Hold fast your defence,

The battle proves hard,

But your strength is immense.

Cherish the good,

Survive the bad,

Continue the prose,

You write in your pad,

Don’t ever lose hope,

Or the need to be heard,

Your freedom relies,

Upon each written word.

Cherish the good,

Survive the bad,

Ignore all the haters,

That claim it’s a fad,

The stigma is poison,

Their ignorance rife,

Just give them the bird,

And get on with your life.

© BB - 14 Nov 2020

[Mazarita]

Hi @bipolarbunny 

I am very interested in creative processes. Mine over decades have had different qualitites at different periods of my life (much like my sexuality!) Since 2007 I have been what I would consider to be wildly prolific no matter what state I have been in. Even during nine months of sleeping 20 hours a day about 2009, those four hours of wakefulness in a day were mostly taken up with manically creating music (writing is the third string in my creative activities, after video-making and music-making).

This past 13 years of highly prolific activity was interrupted at the start of last year when I had a massive crash after a very big (hypomanic) year, during which I achieved unimagined things in the wider world with my creative work. At the crash end of that I was sleeping 20 hours a day for about three months this time, and have only been very slowly coming out of that ever since. This time around there was not a high level of creating in my waking hours, though I have done some things over the past 15 months and have begun to pick up pace with it again just recently.

In my early 20s when I discovered film-making, I went through many years of very low confidence about what I was doing. But I just kept pressing ahead even over years of excrutiating writers block. It was like beating my head against a brick wall a thousand times over. Every step in the process was painful, my creative voice constricted in a big way.

What inspired me to continue with this agonising early stage of things is a general love of the arts. Also I had a desperate need for some sense of achievement in my life in something that mattered to me, some worthy occupational purpose, and some meaning to my life. My tenacity through huge difficulties early on has really paid off though in my middle-aged years. What I have achieved since 2007 is very satisfying to me, a source of joy and strength.

[Former-Member]

Your words make me feel that way too, thank you 🌸

[Former-Member]

Thank you, your words make me feel less alone too!🌸

[Former-Member]

Your words make me feel that way too, thank you 🌸

[bipolarbunny]

@Mazarita Wow! Sounds like you have accomplished some amazing things with your creativity! That is so awesome!

Creativity has always been a very important aspect of my life too. The medium has changed over the years, but the ability to show who I am through what I do has always remained. I've dabbled in painting, drawing, photography, graphic design, music, to name a few, but I think my first love will always be poetry. I've just recently started drawing again and playing guitar. Over the years when I think back to the times I was most content, it was generally when I was immersed in representing who I was or how I felt through art. I have an honours degree in Visual Arts which is probably my greatest achievement because I did it at the time I was first diagnosed with bipolar. But for the most part my creativity has remained a private indulgence. I have tried making a profession from it in the past, but it just didn't work for me. I found it took a lot of the magic away. So I'm content now just to use it as therapy. 
BB 🐰❤️

[bipolarbunny]

The Crash

The upswing is over,

The high has run dry,

I’m left with this feeling,

Of wanting to cry,

It pounds in my mind,

With one hell of a bash,

I know where I’m headed,

All welcome the crash.

The energy draining,

On rapid decline,

The mania waning,

An ominous sign,

The cavern is calling,

And quick as a flash,

My heartbeat is stalling,

All welcome the crash.

The concrete is pouring,

Straight into my veins,

I wallow in pity,

At bitter remains,

My head once electric,

With concepts en masse,

Has fallen in silence,

All welcome the crash.

My body convulsing,

With anxious malaise,

My heart taking shelter,

In perilous haze,

The passion so fleeting,

It’s gone in a flash,

The agony beating,

All welcome the crash.

Just sleep through the madness,

A voice inside screams,

Relinquish the vision,

Of unanswered dreams,

You know you’re not worthy,

Your goals are but trash,

Say hi to self sabotage,

All welcome the crash.

No heroes to call on,

No love or support,

Just me and my pen,

And a witty retort,

My soul deeply wounded,

A treacherous gash,

The loneliness gnawing,

All welcome the crash.

The downswing is over,

The plummet has ceased,

At least for a moment,

I welcome some peace,

But still I am waiting,

For spectrums to thrash,

When the pendulum vibrates,

All welcome the crash.

© BB - 18 Oct 2020

[bipolarbunny]

Zombie Brain

I cannot think clearly,

I’m still half asleep,

It’s one in the arvo,

I’m balled in a heap,

I want to drive forward,

I’m stuck in reverse,

My head full of concrete,

The zombie brain curse.

The neurones are firing,

But shoot the wrong way,

I’m desperately trying,

To have my own say,

But fog mists about,

Like a thick winter brew,

No cells are complying,

The zombie brain stew.

My body is frozen,

I can’t move an inch,

I’m caught between coma,

And muscles that flinch,

The apathy’s grating,

My nerves are amiss,

Too late for complaining,

The zombie brain kiss.

It’s five in the arvo,

My head starts to clear,

By now I’m exhausted,

From trying to steer,

My mind in directions,

That bring about hope,

It’s all superficial,

The zombie brain dope.

It’s now seven thirty,

And I’m wide awake,

What a shame it’s now time,

In my meds to partake,

Just an hour or two,

I will sleep like the dead,

And arise in the morning,

With zombie brain head.

© BB - 02 Nov 2020

[Mazarita]

Hey @bipolarbunny 

"I have tried making a profession from it in the past, but it just didn't work for me. I found it took a lot of the magic away."

Same here. Also I break down under the severe pressure I put on myself any time money is involved (same with every regular job I've had). I've made very little from creativity over decades of trying, gave up any attempt at that about 2003. But I have a bit of an 'artistic' career in a way that is marginal to wider culture (no pay in it but a smallish audience interest).

These days I believe artistic culture is better when free, including to those who cannot afford to buy access. Because of the internet, I include here people in less affluent nations around the world as well. I'm into sharing culture.

"...an honours degree in Visual Arts..."

Awesome! Amazing achievement, so much harder with bipolar. Marvellous.

I was an excellent student all the way through high school (though high absentee) but couldn't cope with the giant social/institutional structure of university, dropped out four times due to mental illness there. Longest I managed was a year, and failed. Still, I feel my creative work has developed some unique qualities from having been largely self-taught.

So great you are playing guitar again. I keep meaning to do the same but still it's gathering dust. Sometime later I think. Other things more important for now. I was doing some video editing tonight. Enjoying it. 

My poetry has been completely private most of my life, except here on the forum. Most of my poems have been written and edited in the moment when here in this thread.