Living with Ourselves

[Oaktree]

@Sophia1 

I did go back this morning and reread those 5 pages. Although the first page or two was horrible with me continuing to dig a deeper hole for myself, I see that we did make up back then. I guess I had forgotten that part in my anguish. All I held onto was the fact that I had badly hurt you. All while you were trying to cope with the ups and downs of your unwell son. I am sorry that I put you through all that. I was unwell too and not thinking straight. I am so grateful to @Zoe7  being there supporting us both through a hard time. I have so much love for you both. I have felt that you were walking cautiously and I guess that’s why I had forgotten that you had forgiven me. It all happened so long ago that the memories weren’t really clear about what had happened. I would love to move on now. Pack the past in a box and put it away on a very high shelf, never to be looked at again. Thanks for your ongoing friendship, it means the world to me!

Meggle

[Oaktree]

Good morning @hanami 

How are you?

I am starting to feel paranoid, like Sane is following me around. It’s all good, I am fine and so are my friends. We were just dealing with some past issues here. Stuff from 2021 - ancient history really.

Meggle

[hanami]

Hi @Oaktree !!!

Oh no, don't feel that we are following you around! Just making sure a very valued member is ok. That's so important to us ❤️. I'm good! It's a nice sunny Friday. I hope you don't mind me popping onto your other space to say hi. I promise I'm not following you around lol.

Hanami

[Oaktree]

@hanami 

It’s totally fine if you are following my trail but I am totally fine. I know you are just doing your job. Must be difficult keeping us all in check. Bit chilly here but the sun is shining. Still early, only 9:30am. Need to shower and get dressed. Going to knit and natter a bit later. It’s a group of mainly older ladies but it’s enjoyable. It’s held at a library about 45 minutes from here. Glad you are feeling well.

Meggle

[Sophia1]

Hello @Oaktree 

I was in town....Greystone then found your post.

I respected your not wanting to go back over the past.

Purely a suggestion.

I am thankful that you did as my intentions were from the heart to help you, help put it all into perspective. Reassure you that I have never been upset by you more frustrated I suppose, that I could not reassure you. That is the nature of the forums though.

Very brave of you to read and I hope that you believe also, will help you moving forward in not being so cautious around me.

This will take time and I will give you as much time as you need.

Thank you also for acknowledging my adult child situation.

Sadly that has worsened again of late.

Missing again.

It is hard to carry this on my own, of my own choosing to protect my older child.

I too  feel very judged at times because of my keeping this close to my chest.

@tonysknows some of this story...

So I am hopefully explaining this without further concerning you.

You have helped me by  validating my loss and load.

Meggle, I often read other posts and think that people are talking unkindly about me so I withdraw.

I have a lifetime history of being judged and not accepted as I am.

I have a few true friends but distance and health has stopped me catching up with them. My choice not theirs.

I also struggle with missing person and lifetime of trying to help....

hard to catch up with people when they ask how is....? What have you been doing>>>?

Oh looking for missing person......In and out of hospital myself.....

I am learning to look after me better

I also lost my mum last year. Twin had stopped me seeing her for 5 years and I stayed in mum's room through palliative care....she was in advanced stage of dementia and unrecognisable. Three days was very hard...

Very moving though as I was able to reach her through talking....I would not change those three days for the world. She actually said sorry to me..

I was able to let her know that she could continue on her journey, not stay and suffer any longer...she left moments after...

Hope that does not upset you.

Wanted to share something that was so very special for me, even though  twin tried to take her away  from me...twin could not stay...

the essence of this world brings gifts when we are open to receive them.

Hope that helps you feel more comfortable with me as who I really am.

Not aloof and withdrawn as some perceive.

Talk to me anytime here @Oaktree when you have doubts.

This is my safe space.

@tonysvisits me here so you will always be safe.

Sophia1

[Oaktree]

Oh @Sophia1 

So sorry for your troubles regarding the loss of your Mum and your missing son. That must be so hard for you. Will pray that he is returned to you safe and as well as he could possibly be.

When I read that history back I could sense your frustration. You only tried to reassure me but I was in my own troubled head. I was hurting so much at the knowledge that I had deeply hurt someone I really cared about so much! There was nothing you could have said any nicer than what you tried. Sorry I was in such a bad place. I am personally glad that I kept reading through the following pages though. They reminded me of the love and care we truly felt for each other. I hope never to hurt you again. Please tell me quickly if anything comes up so that it doesn’t get worse. Remember the wooden spoon 

meggle

[Sophia1]

Lovely @Oaktree 

We are able to allow ourselves to be vulnerable and express the love of a friendship that does not waiver when put under such huge tests.

We both are so busy worrying about one another that it takes this long laugh

wooden spoon will be invaluable.

I think that we better have a special place for it in Greystone with a custodian... the guardian @tonys seconded by Town Sherriff  @LeChuck (your name is so hard to find) having the combination codes to the safe in the Town.

Back to the Town.

Sophia1

[Oaktree]

@Sophia1 

Thank you for trusting me with some of your story. I know that means a lot.

Meggle

[Sophia1]

be back soon. Dinner

@Jacques 

[Jacques]

hi @Sophia1 im glad you are doing things at your own pace no need to reply straight away my friend, just when you have the energy.

i hear you about being wary of people, i have had my trust broken so often when i was younger i promised myself i would never trust anyone again, then my partner came along, it took me the longest time to trust her as i was so scared of being hurt again. i do fully trust her now. im not sure if i will ever fully let anyone else in. i guess time will tell. 

i hope any carers you get and any help you get treat you with the dignity and respect you deserve. you are so amazing and im so proud of you noever giving up. you are so strong  and kind. 

hugs my friend.