Living with Ourselves

[Sophia1]

Hello @Zoe7 

I very much wanted to give you space that you deserve..

I respect you..

I am unsure where we are and whether or not you want me to write to you...

I have taken time out recognising that I was in overload and auto pilot..

as busy in real world.

I have randomly replied to those who have written to me..yesterday I think...

I still have a backlog of several I want to write to..

You are one,

however I do not want to upset you..

This is what I wrote to floatingfeather:

"I am looking after myself as I learn to live with myself and attempt to write to others on this living with ourselves thread..

I sometimes make a mess and that really just echoes the chaos in my real life and mess in my mind..

I do have the best intentions though.."

You are important and your wishes are to be considered.

If you do not mind doing so...would you be able to let me know where we go from here..

Would you like me to write to you?

I have some beautiful garden art pictures that I want to share.

I tried sharing some with Emelia and they did not work..

I cannot say they will work if I try again.

I just want to share them...

I will be guided by your wishes if you reply

Sophia1

Thinking of your special cat corner developing

knowing that my pet haven (I still thank you for giving me a much better name than sanctuary)

is looking dreadful..

sigh..

off to warm garden now.

ps apologies

yes had to edit of course..

[Sophia1]

Hello @tonys 

I have come in from the garden...too warm and I feel lightheaded so am actually noticing how I am feeling and looking after myself...

I want to reply to your last letter.

I would like to ask first how are your lungs at present. You mentioned previously that you have a lung infection and my mind forgot about that.. I know you understand the mind issues..

I hope that is being monitored and you are on appropriate medication...

Now I sound like I am mothering you...

I would have probably adopted you.

Don't be alarmed...I am like it with everyone...

I am still concerned though..

I will share this with you when I was about 7 years old I used to bring home uninvited children to dinner whom I felt needed a friend..My mum used to say I always have to be ready to lay an extra place at the table as never know how many would turn up...

I am now officially a godmother to a calf and added to that title "a sub folk"...

I believe that I might have been promoted.. I like it...

Oh yes those honesty boxes are quite a dilemma.

In the real world I do not always notice those boxes..

I know that I have even felt guilty taking products after paying thinking that passersby did not actually see me put money in the honesty box and therefore assume that I have taken them without paying..

tis me..

To be left a bunch of plastic flowers, a coffee cup and a heap of cutlery certainly shows that person went to some effort to thank you...

They are actually following the old system of bartering....very impressive..

What is more impressive is that you have the flowers in said coffee cup on the table with note on fridge..

Then you write that your heart is glowing..

Yes I value the little things..

Christmas day I gave a present to someone who has a condition that I am not sure of...rides a gopher..cannot talk...travels past my garden often..we exchange thumbs up messages and huge smiles..

In the middle of the road in my pyjamas on Christmas morning giving a Christmas bag present to someone who you would think had won the lottery.. The beaming smile on his face and mine to match brought such joy that words do not come close to describing.. That was my Christmas gift that face lighting up and glowing...I was not looking forward to Christmas day at all and he made the day for me.

New Years Day morning, I received a text message asking to meet him privately in the park.. opposite my home....I went looking for him and could not find him..sent text message to him as I gave him my number on Christmas Day...received a video at a different park a good 25 minute walk away. It was boiling so texted will drive there. I arrived armed with bottles of water.

It turned out that he was distressed broken up with girlfriend night before...

He writes with phone I listen and after 3 hours in the heat following the shade I ask him when he last ate. 6am that morning. So I rang the hotel. Booked a table. We shared lunch no alcohol ...as is tempting for him..

I let husband know he was happy...

all of my anxiety just floated away...we laughed we typed...people stared...walked past several times..stared...he is well known and has supports..I could not have given a hoot about the passersby..

We each had a hot cooked meal to celebrate New Year my shout.

This is what one does for a friend. He is my friend.

6 hours together...Drank water him a soft drink to a happy new year and chinked glasses..

Went to say goodbye..he did not want me to leave...I said we would meet up again for a coffee or soft drink another time.

He then asked me if he could have a hug.

well I though how beautiful and he truly is a beautiful soul... I said of course you can I love hugs.

Bless him he held on..

I thanked him so much and let him know how much joy he gave me..

I also showed him how to add emergency contacts so he set them up himself..

He was proud..

That is what giving is and that is what joy is...

So yes Tonys I get it when you talk about all of the materialism..it has no joy

Swamp thing clearly has a mind of his own I wonder where he learnt that from.

Yes am about to submerge again..

I do have others to write to ...have run out of time again

Get stiff sitting at computer so can only write to one or two at a time..

It takes me soooooooooooo long

Now be nice to swamp thing as well he really does love you even if he does eat your shoes..

Sophia1

[outlander]

@Sophia1

[FloatingFeather]

HI @Sophia1, 

Thank you for your response. I'm sorry if I confused you around my `floating' word, it's just a play on words around my name. I appreciate your lighthearted thinking around what I meant. I'm a bit of a giggler by nature and try to see the humour and joy in life where I can. 

I'm sorry to read about your family member being taken to hospital. That must of been a bit frightening for all of you. I'm glad to read she is getting better and really wish her a speedy recovery.

As for the courses - well done! I can totally understand why you would be excited, chuffed and proud. I agree with you - I think if I do in more courses in the near future I would like to do something lighthearted and fun. Nice to hear your husband's mood is also being lifted - it always lifts my heart when someone I love is happier, particularly if life has been a bit rough for them of late.

Thank you for you kind words, it is a pleasure to have you on the forums - we are lucky to have such a kind and caring member like you.

I hope the week ahead is kind to you - always enjoy seeing you on the Forums.

Big hugs,

FloatingFeather

[Sophia1]

Hello @outlander 

Thank you for visiting...

I have had to cut back my visits to many threads for self preservation..

Last year was a horrid year and this year there is continuing fallout from last year...as well as more just when one thinks what else can happen?

This is life..

I have been floundering in amidst this and doing the best that I can..

I am recognising when to take time out more frequently..

I hope that you are able to do this within your life circumstances as I know that you have physical health issues also..

We must do this even when we do not want to because they do eventually exascerbate our physical health with existing issues and more..

I hope that you are continuing to remember to look after you and put yourself first when the need arises..

Do you still do all of that incredible artwork that you used to do?

take care

Sophia 1

[Sophia1]

Hello @FloatingFeather 

I finally made it here and can respond...

You did not confuse me at all...(floater)

That was my humour..

No matter.... often missed in real life as well..

I have always been different....still am..always will be...

I actually embrace this about myself now... finally...

people seem to either not understand me ....draw away or are intrigued by me and some even copy my style....it is quite bizarre..has always been like this since I was young..

It takes me forever to write to one person ...

as you can see I write books!..

I am like this in real life..

I put much thought into my verbal replies also..

my older adult child is still very unwell....early days...

this has been going on for a very long time...in and out of hospital when in crisis state..

not accepting diagnosis..

I am learning that his journey is not my journey now..

I can support him on his journey but not take the journey for him or be with him every single moment.

He needs and does want to be autonomous which is wonderful I believe..

He needs guidance and support setting this up and following through with this..

I am always there for both of my adult children to listen and support in the best way that I can..

I do like hearing from you floating feather as I can feel safe with you..

I feel that in between your words..

Thank you for being here

I am glad that you are on the forums

you offer much

Sophia1

[Sophia1]

Hello @Clawde 

I want to leave you a surprise present as I know that you love surprises..

your friend

Sophia1

[Sophia1]

Dear @Jacques 

It has been far too long since I have written to you..

I do spot the banter that you have on friday feast with a few which is brilliant and warms my heart to read all of your latest achievements..

Today some gifts..

I know that you have been struggling...the time of year is renowned to have that affect on many of us..

you also have your own personal concerns and I am always here for you to listen when I can as you know..

you have kindly extended your support so often to me..

friendship...

[Jacques]

Hi @Sophia1 my beautiful friend, 

i have had a really rough week this week as a high profile person died, im not allowed to say who as it goes against the guidlines. 

i wrote about my abuse on here but i was not allowed to share what happened to me when i was 8 years old. i feel so silenced and feel as though the abuser is the victim and i am the one at fault. 

the church has done so much damage to me and i am  still suffering the emence damage it has done to me. i know i will never be able to have a good or happy life i have accepted that. i just wish i could tell the world what happened to me. 

how are you going my friend? im sorry i have not been on much. my mind of late seems to be really foggy and im struggling with my memory and focus. everything feels like a haze or a fog i never feel quite awake. 

how did your christmas/ new year go? i had a quiet one, mum my aunt and i had a BBQ for christmas day and boxing day and mum and i just celebrated new years quietly. just some nibblies and non alcoholic wine. 

how are things going with your family? i hope they are well. 

hugs my friend. 

Jacques

[Sophia1]

Hello @Jacques 

Thank you for responding to me..

Please do not be concerned about the times that you are on the forums responding to others..

In regard to the high profile person passing away...I do know who you are referring to..

I felt shocked myself when I saw the coverage on the news....

I personally believe that if the church felt the need to have a ceremony it should have been private and not shared with the social media at all.

You might have felt hugely impacted and triggered..

Many people reported feeling invalidated..

Every person carrying this has their own unique experience..

You have every right to feel so strongly about the news story..  and yes feeling silenced is part of the abuse.

Feelings that you are the victim and at fault is one of the appalling outcomes of such heinous crimes..

I want to let you know that I am hearing you Jacques ....

These feelings are very real and are yours...Nobody can dispute those feelings..

You are very courageous opening up about such feelings...It possibly does not feel like this at all at times...

The church does have so much to answer for ...you have every right to feel this way..

Feelings of lethargy and non motivation do go hand in hand with trauma...

Wanting to tell the world tells me how strongly you feel about wanting justice not only for yourself but also for others..

I do believe that you can still be happy remembering that happiness is different for everyone.

My trauma is very different to yours...

Writing down my thoughts when they disturb me helps me relieve some of the enormous pressure that can build up..

I was feeling very unsafe within myself and having trust issues recently.

I  rang the sane helpline feeling quite frightened.

I was surprised when I was able to speak to  a counsellor.

I also checked if the counsellor was on the forums and they reassured me that they were not.

I then felt safer in talking to them.

It was hard to know where to start but the person did not hurry me or judge me..

Sometimes the hardest part in helping ourselves is pushing through the intense feelings and reaching out to another.

2022 was not a good year at all for me so I was very happy to say goodbye to it.

Christmas is always a hard time of year for me also.

This is more common than we realise..

New Years Eve my husband fell asleep laugh...

I read a book and felt more relaxed going to bed early myself.

It was a peaceful evening.

This year has started to improve slightly..

that is a start isn't it...

Having a quiet relaxing bbq with your mum can be far more calming and enjoyable than attending noisy family gatherings with guests who have nothing in common and talk over one another...

The hype...the money.. the egotistical banter is stressful..

I do enjoy escaping with the children far more...

They are usually hyped and overwrought from too much excitement themselves..

Tis me...

We are all different...

Medication side effects might also be another cause of lethargy and non-motivation..

Mentioning this to your doctor can help them to help you with not only your physical health abut also your mental health..

Sometimes it just means an adjustment ....

In regional areas telehealth appointments are available but always check with receptionist when booking if they are covered by medicare with no out of pocket costs to yourself.

I am always hear to listen to you Jacques and I will get back to you ..

You have offered a listening ear to me many times and I am truly thankful when I read your caring words..

I will get back to you as soon as I can should you write to me..

You are important..

Stay safe and take care

your friend

Sophia1