Living with Ourselves

[Sophia1]

Hello dear @tonys 

It has been some time.

I am back tonight.

I remained submerged under water as you suggested (periscope)

Resonated strongly with me actually as I used to love to swim underwater as a child. Preferred underwater to on the surface where all of the show offs were.

So bubbles emerging.

I have resurfaced briefly.

I am regaining my sense of self.

I am taking one day at a time.

I am working very hard at not allowing twin whom I now refer to as non-twin to overtake my thinking thereby affecting my emotions.

This is very new after a lifetime of being bonded with twin.

She has been controlling me since we were little though.

Never too late to learn.

Mum has passed now In September this year; extremely difficult although I am so thankful that I stayed with her those last three days. Twin could not.

Realisation that she has gone not yet,

That will happen in it;s own time.

I have had some beautiful, soulful moments that only I could experience.

Several different locations.

Truly memorable and beyond words.

So I have needed to be away.

I have just not had the words to express this part on here clearly.

I have read some of your other posts on here and thank you for the honour of being a

godmother to one of your calves.

My goodness.

A first.

Maddison another godmother.

Your interactions with @maddison and hers in return to you are beautiful to read.

I do not want to intrude on those.

I can be a friend to you both alongside your special friendship with each other.

I have also read some posts with @wordman which are very interesting; intriguing.

When I am in a better frame of mind I will venture there.

Stay safe @tonys 

New carpet!  Wow

Oh and thank you for the busking song by Colin from Men at Work.

A lovely surprise and most welcome.

@tonysYou need not worry about me.

I write on here with open heart in journal form.

I do not seek someone to fix me or advise me.

I seek to be read; my voice bursting forth to be listened to and heard only.

I do not have all the answers at all.

I welcome the opportunity to express.

I also gain much from helping others with whom I connect in some way.

Each person different.

As in real life.

That is a small part of who I am.

There is much more.

Stay safe

Sophia1

[Sophia1]

Hello @maddison 

Thank you for taking the time to write to me some time ago.

As you are probably aware I have been absent for a while now.

I have needed to take some time away from the forums to ground myself back within reality.

Due to life circumstances this was an important factor in looking after my health as a whole.

Well, yes we do share some similar characteristics and at the same time have our own uniqueness which of course is only human.

Your letter was very touching and I do appreciate your words.

We have really only encountered one another briefly through interactions with others.

I look forward to getting to know @maddison more.

We are both godmothers of @tonys calves after all.

Moo is the last interaction that we had I think laugh.

I hope that your life continues to improve also @maddison as I briefly read that you, yourself are struggling with situations.

You are still managing to keep up your sense of humour and I love the connection that you have with @tonys .

Sophia1

[Sophia1]

Hello @Jacques 

I am sorry that I have not been in touch for a while.

I have needed to take some time out.

I read somewhere that you are feeling quite low.

You also mentioned your girlfriend is having difficulties with a daughter.

Teenagers!

If you want to talk about anything.

talk away.

I will get back to you as soon as I can.

I have not had daughters; only sons.

However; I have been a daughter. I have been a teenager.

Whatever you feel comfortable with.

I am here for you when I can be.

Sophia 1

[tonys]

@Sophia1 .  hey there Sophia,    Saw traces of your footprints tiptoeing through the website,

   Bit worried about you my friend.  I've never seen any one pushing such a heavy barrow,

Some how i ended up on a thread called "ever wonder why' so i'm  glad i found you in this one.   You have very good friends here.

Grounding yourself back in reality,   sounds like you are being assertive and taking control,  Good work Sophia.   I hope with all my heart that a fair winds blow your way.   Wish i could put you in a small campervan on happy trails out west,  I know thats running away,  but it worked wonders for me.  Threw  the rear vision mirror out the window along with a few ghost and there luggage,   You are smart and determined and you'll find you're way out of the woods on your own terms.     Have you still got that old ball of string i gave you.  

Down periscope,  and take all the time you need.    Always with you.   tonys moonbase one

[tonys]

Hi again @Sophia1 ,    I better say first that in the time you have been away,  i have learnt to fly the space shuttle.   I have not learnt to fly my computor .       sooo     having just sent a letter to you i found this one which affirms what i thought you were struggling with.   

Yes i should avoid suggesting some one to help,  it puts you both in a spot doesnt it...   Its the farmer and the rescuer in me.....     Lesson learnt..

You are able to look at things through the eyes of an adult..   Me ..... well the doc says i have the mind of a child. ...  .  .   .  which i doesnt bother me,    never had one so i guess im ok with being one now.     It does mean however that my solutions can be simplistic at times.   I hate doing dishes.    I have one pot,  one spoon,  and big fingers with bite marks in them.   think you get my drift,   so forgive my clumsy suggestions..     There are some way more grounded thinkers than me in this place , so helps only a key stoke away.

 You have had some major loses and ....   the whole twin scenario,.... . . what a mind job..

Don't know how i would come to terms with all that.   

I shall stick to submitting my rural reports and adventures in the city in the hope i can make you laugh .....   For me its good enough knowing you are my special friend,  and im here to share the road however rough or mysterious...    .. ..   ..  or wonderful .. when ever,  where ever..

tonys moon base one..

[Appleblossom]

@Sophia1 

So very glad to see your name in my notifications.  We have walked together for a few years now. 

I like that you wrote you do not want to be fixed but want to be read to @tonys I feel similarly.

I think sometimes under pressure I can seem abrupt or curt.  It is partly due to not being heard a lot and feeling I have to compress a lot into a small amount as attention at any age was very fleeting.

So sad about your boy in another episode.  It is not easy to witness and must stir up many feelings and sense of urgency.

I tried to support my mother and guide her into a broader manner of dealing with my brother and sister when they were in psychosis.  Mother had an uneducated dogmatic religious approach.  She had deep feelings too, but never prepared to discuss anything real life, as in the effect of being in different orphanages and foster parents and any of that.  She closed down on all conversation like a ton of bricks.  Then at the end of her life informed me that God had let her know they had gone to heaven.  She had little empathy for my son or I, and our struggle, which was probably partly related to violent occurrences when my brother was psychotic and my children were infants or toddlers.

Your ex has his own perspective on his son's psychotic experiences.  It is weird that my ex does not seem to be able to have empathy for my son in his.  There can be a competitiveness or something. The son and the father are very different people and are becoming polarised on political outlook now.  At the moment we are going grindingly slow.  I bought new bedding and some furniture for son's bedroom and doing a room upgrade.  Accepting that is where he spends his time and trying to make it better for him.  His room was fine for a little boy but is pretty small for a man.

Controlling people.  Ahhh. 3 years is a lot.  Sounds like she may have been envious of your friendship.  Poor form to pick on you when you were most vulnerable.  I am weary of socialising, but our friendship means a great deal to me.  

I am loving my garden at the moment.  Spring is beautiful and we have been here 20 years so all the slow care I have put into covering the fences with climbers fills the windows with bursts of greenery and flower and movement as the wind blows through.  It is very enclosed, a tiny courtyard and the back is only 2 metres.  Not enuff to swing a cat or for a large man to let off steam, but there a lot of windows so it looks good.  

[tonys]

@Appleblossom hello ....    Its not often my navigational skills find you're letters,  but the few long ones that i have read felt uncomfortably close to my old bone yard,  and ,   well  i had a few tears reading them.   I can't help feeling that you,  "being staunch , humble , and old school."   will only ever let little bits out ,  you just go through the years carrying your end of the log and never ...   winging.   

I really don't know what to say about that.      what i did want do say was ,    you are so right about  people not being good listeners,  and the life long impacts that has.    Blokes are especially bad at it .   I know ....   I'm one.    

Being Christmas, i also wanted to thank you,   I always wonder who supports my posts,   even the crook ones ,  and more often than not its you mate.   

So , sorry to bother you in the festive season ,   

but i felt the urge to say,   you epitomise what it is to be a "  quiet achiever,  and a survivor " and most of all , i admire you're maturity.   tonys moonbase one

[Jacques]

thank you so much @Sophia1 my beautiful friend, i really appreciate your friendship. yes you are right the joys of teenagers. i hope we can get her back on track in the new year. 

hugs my friend, you never need to appologise for taking time out for you. 🙂

[wordman]

@Sophia1 Hello Sophia1. thank you for your post. I have carefully read you words and believe they come from a deep place within. I will gladly read your words whenever you write them. Please do not be afraid to write openly and freely as I know there is a writer within you with a lot to say. You are not intruding reading my words as they are intended for all. Look forward to reading your future posts. 

Kind Regards 

Wordman

[Appleblossom]

Thanks mate @tonys means a lot to me.

Tag me anytime.  Festive season is pretty low key here.