Living with Ourselves

[outlander]

@Sophia1 thinking of you hoping your ok

[Sophia1]

@moderator 

Can I please have my trigger warning thread a couple of pages back removed.

I saw my mum's soul leave and do not want to read the post that I wrote.

I do not want a reminder of the fact that my once upon a time "twin" left my mum for me to care for, on my own over three days, with her suffering, because she, the superior one, told me that she would not be able to do it at all.

She didn't.

She just lashed out at me minutes after mum had passed. Her own guilt for not being there for mum.

She also lashed out at different times at different staff which was dreadful.

I actually approached them to apologise for her terrible behaviour.

This they thanked me for.

Her years of banishing me from calls and visits did not go unnoticed by staff.

Nearly 5 years since I had seen her. The last time she did not have dementia; not diagnosed.

The staff supported me and told me that mum always spoke about both daughters and how she loved us equally.

I did see all of the cards that I written her over that time of absence. A few items that I had bought her years ago.

I was told by management that staff notice these things and work out for themselves.

The staff told me that I was strong and mum really needed family to be with her then more than any other time. My being there helped her with her pain.

I still cannot believe that she is gone.

How can a person grieve if they have not yet accepted the actual loss?

Oh I am not sure now that this is even acceptable.

[Sophia1]

I feel so wretched.

I do not want to tag anyone. I do not want to upset anyone.

I just want to hide.

I hope that I do not wake up from hospital process.

That would help in not leaving a mess.

I feel so vile and wretched.

[Sophia1]

@moderator 

please also delete my post to outlander.

I tried the option at the top but cannot work it out

cannot send email

just one big sad sorry woeful mess at the moment

[Dimity]

Hello @Sophia1 I'm sorry you feel so low. I understand how you feel. I am estranged from some of my siblings and when my father died was a particularly hurtful time.

I hope you can go to your hospital tests and procedure on Monday confident in the care and expertise of the hospital staff  and optimistic for your treatment.  

Is there a friend or family member who can comfort and reassure you this weekend? I'd like to do that too, and maybe this can be a turning point and there'll be better times ahead.

Breathe deeply my friend and be of good courage. 

Sitting with you 

Dimity

[Jynx]

Hi @Sophia1  I've seen your requests and will get onto these as soon as I'm able. I'd also like to express deep sorrow for the heaviness of your current situation. I don't imagine there's any words that could alleviate your suffering, but I still want you to know I hear you, and I'm here with you 💜

[Sophia1]

Thank you @Dimity 

for your kindness and offering to be with me.

I hide all this stuff from my friends.

My older son is very unwell.

My younger son cannot bear to see me not coping as he has experienced his older brother during dark times.

He has also visited me at the clinic several times and probably thinks that I should just be an adult and get over it. No he is not like that. More work out strategies like the helplines say.

I don't even have the energy to ring them.

I am so over being told how incredibly insightful, strong and brave I am.

I feel nothing of that. I feel a total failure.

I hope that I am not upsetting you.

Perhaps I should stop writing.

[Shaz51]

@Sophia1 ❤

@Jynx , @Dimity , and me are sitting with you my sister xxxx

Giving you a big hug ❤❤

[Sophia1]

I feel as though I am a complete fraud @Jynx 

I offer all these epic posts of support to others and yet here I am now wallowing in my own tears.

I am just so tired for being judged and misunderstood.

All so familiar for so many.

My husband tries to support practically.

He just does not get mental illness.

He does understand grief though.

I feel as though all of the support that I have given to my sons and husband has now become meaningless.

That I am a fake.

An empty vessel.