Living with Ourselves

[Sophia1]

Thank you @Shaz51

You have far too much going on for you.

You do  not need to read my tripe.

I do not want to upset you Shaz either.

I am sorry.

[Dimity]

Keep writing @Sophia1 I'm listening.  I'm so glad your younger son cares about you and is visiting. Your older son is probably battling in his own way.

I'm going to step out for my daily walk having left it later than usual  but will be back.

It's sunny here after a wet morning. I see the rivers are rising again.

[Sophia1]

Thank you @Dimity 

I hope that you are safe with the rivers rising

Sophia

[Jynx]

Hi again @Sophia1. The post to outlander should be gone now - I'm not sure which other post you would like removed. If you can find it, you can click the button in the top right saying 'Post Options' and select 'get link' - this will copy a link to the post which you can then paste in your reply, so I can make sure I remove the right one/s. 

I can hear how truly deep your sadness is. I can imagine being told you are strong and brave when inside you only feel despair might feel really uncomfortable. But I hope you can also realise that feeling this way doesn't make you a failure, it makes you human. And you can feel wretched, but still also be brave for continuing to try for yourself and for your family. You can feel utterly at a loss, and still be insightful about what support is or isn't helpful at this time. You can feel so beaten down, but still be strong because you are continuing to talk about your feelings and ask for the help you need and deserve. 

We are all here with you. Let me know if there's anything else I can do to support you 💜

[Dimity]

I'm safe and dry thanks @Sophia1 there's a warning on some local watercourses but I feel for people in northern Victoria. 

I enjoyed my walk, the lilacs and irises are blooming and many other flowers too. There's a gaggle of adolescent magpies and a baby magpie lark with parent foraging. 

It sounds as though you've been struggling for a while, with both your physical and your mental health. It's good you're following up with recommended medical tests, but it can be emotionally draining and quite tiring. I hope your MH supports are also there for you. 

Unfortunately you're not alone in dealing with family dysfunction.  It must be especially painful to be estranged from someone as ostensibly close as a twin with whom you've had so many shared experiences. Your close family - your husband and sons - and you yourself are the ones who matter now.

Do you have some favourite music you can listen to tonight,  or maybe a favourite book you can reread? Finding comfort in familiar things can sometimes help with anxiety I find.

[Shaz51]

Keep writing my @Sophia1 

I am here listening with love ❤❤

Very hot up here today xx

[Emelia8]

@Sophia1 💔😢🌷💗👀👂

[tonys]

@Sophia1  @maddison @NatureLover Re: Hi @Appleblossom, @Shaz51, F&H, good to see yas 💜💕☺  not sure what happened, heap of names appeared when i hit appleblossom so ignore this letter if its gone to the wrong place. sorry its been so long since i last posted. i know you all have your personal struggles so i wont regale you with my struggle getting away from the farm. gravitational pull.    im a lazy creature at times, and my homework is way overdue but here it is.  the calf is doing very well and blessed with 2 more besides.  wi fi is a new experiance and this cheep and nasty hotel in the city is my first chance . Hotel Receptionist.... Big big aggressive looking woman gives me the hard long up and down.  a cavity search would have scarred me less.  she puts some electonic gadget to her throat and despite the advanced cancer asks, ... will that be by the hour or you want the whole night sweety.   Yep, back on earth,... my old turf.  between a overfilled ashtray and a half eaten pie even the flys are circling nervousley ,  i sign the dog eared ledger... Here time, fear, anxiety, is sold by the minute, hour , day if youre lucky.  No balcony upgrades .... this is what the loosing side of the birth right coin looks and smells  like  THE room.    Cant fill cracks with paint or age with make up.  Feel like im back looking at the receptionist again. still the same venition blinds.  Crinkled and stained, all those years of anxious parranoid fingers dragging them down.  whose out there. cops, dealers, creatures of the night.  But it the huge old dresser mirror that really takes me back to the child.  In this very room i once held another mirror up to face this one and marvelled at the endless images of me reflected in an endless tunnel. Weve all done it at one time or another. ..Now as the older man i ask of myself,....  where did all my time go.   The compulsion that places me back in this room of revulsion,  the grubby hands of the devil found me here,  My punishment for surviving birth.  i learnt of gods mercy here, the lack of,.. By the minut ,  by the hour.... and im one of many ghosts in this place..    I sleep well now,  but can i sleep in this place.. Can i reconcile,  make peace with the mirrors.  We only get the right answers when we learn to ask the right questions and handle the truths however harsh. The endless toll ways, false relationships, smog filled cities, and lonely apartments. we are all selling away the years. To admit to it and do it on your own terms. Thats the goal. From here im on foot to the cities beating heart.  Hope i can still recognize it. loving every image , feel like im alive again.  keep loving your selves and each other. tonys moonbase one 

[maddison]

Oh Joy @tonys has returned. Wow, what an entrance you have made. No crickets chirping - the loud echoes of applause bouncing in every direction. Welcome. Never forgotten.

[NatureLover]

@tonys ! Welcome back! Great to see you! You write so well 🙂

Sounds like you're visiting the big smoke? I'm glad the orphaned calf is doing well 🙂

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@tonys wrote:

loving every image , feel like im alive again.  keep loving your selves and each other.

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This is great! Hope you have a fantastic time 🙂