Coming to terms with reality

[Former-Member]

Lovely @Adek

I too think that we are all learning about each other as well as from each other 

the wonderful thing about this thread for me is the deep compassion and respect shared amongst us

we all have contributed to and gained from this thread

take care

[Former-Member]

Hello @Vanessa5

I hope that things are on the mend for you

I try very hard to not think about the future 

it never turns out the way that I had thought about

even so I do know that anxiety can still creep through the cracks and needs to be acknowledged 

take care

[Former-Member]

@Adek

life has not been at all easy for you either

you show great strength in telling us about your difficult journey and all of the obstacles you encountered and eventually overcame 

you have much to offer on this thread

thank you for your valuable insight 

[eudemonism]

Hi @Adek i asked about the beech because you mentioned the 20th floor a few posts ago.

And thanks @Former-Member these words you are writing are very wise and come with great insight. Those walks are priceless from my experience. I did a big bare footed walk along the beech yesterday morning.

And @Vanessa5 things will get better. You can always write on this thread if it ever gets to tough. And with my experiences i say, there is always a good day coming after a bad day or two. Highs and lows.

And @Appleblossom i hope all is going well for you.

[eudemonism]

I'm sorry if my writing advice seems to be patronizing anyone. Because i honestly feel I'm in no position to give advice, counsel or console anyone really...

I've got a problem with alcohol and drugs! It starts off as a few drinks. And then leads to using. And then leads to feeling miserable and recovering and clawing my way back to feeling human again... and it's a toxic situation for all involved... in particular myself. Cause I'm the one I'm hurting most.

Yesterday, i walked along a quiet beech with the dog. In my bare feet. And it was truly amazing and therapeutic. The dog was running back and forth along the lapping waves and barking. And wore himself out. And i felt happy to see this. And afterward i made a bacon and egg sandwich for brekky. And then i went to the op shop and found a toaster, kettle, ceramic water dispenser, and a coffee maker. Then a friend came around and i had a beer with him. Then i went for a walk to see another friend. ...... i question things once it's too late. ......

[Shaz51]

Sounds like you had a good but  busy day yesterday @eudemonism , how are you today

[eudemonism]

Not too bad thanks @Shaz51 i just spoke my mind to my friend. And it was hard! He took a piss in my toilet. And then wipes his hands on the towel i use to dry myself with after ive showered. And I'm thinking. What the hell? And he makes a coffee. And he likes his coffee warm. So he puts extra milk in it. And I'm thinking. That milk needs to last me all fortnight. So i "spoke my mind " and feel likea big bad grumble bum for doing so... and then topped it off with the comment. "If i dont speak my mind and put myself first, no one else gonna do it for me! "
What do you think about this?
Lots more to the story...
And also, my neighbour comes over to bludge cigarettes off of me. And subtlety says. I just come over to have a coffee with you. And see how youre going. And he's talking about his excess money he got from electricity account. And celebrating his. Cure from cancer. And drinking. Using pokies. And how people are humbugging him and he's not giving it. And then he's asking me for tobacco.
It's stuff like this that really grinds on me! And i really get fed up with it!

Littlethings like this. (There's a big list! ) they happen once. They happen twice. They happen three times. And continue happening....) and it does my head in. Time and time again. But i suppose I'm the other side of the story for someone else! Do you think?

It's apart of why i go through so much social anxiety and hesitation / procrastination.

But on the bright side. I took myself and my dog walking. I had a lovely. Ham and salad sandwich for breakfast. I made the bed. Swept up. And am looking forward to some down time this afternoon.

Pretty much suffering from anxiety at any given chance i get. And then trying to counteract it with positive actions. But quite often the cycle goes bad. Meaning, i turn to alcohol or drugs. Or coffee, cigarettes or food. And it hurts. Or find myself in questionable company. And having missed two or three important ques tp act of stuff that was best for me and will help me more then anything else.

Me "friend" is with me at the moment. And he likes to drink alcohol. So he needs somewhere and someone to do this with. And it's a toxic, bitter and sour experience to be honest with you. So I've pushed it away as best i can to protect myself.

We don't wanna do the things that are good for us? We turn away from the things we need to do at the last moment? Because of fear?

Open rebuke is better then love that is hidden

[eudemonism]

Give me half a chance and i can very easily begin resenting the people in my life.

[eudemonism]

So @Shaz51 what do you think? I think that apart of me. Is very bitter, twisted, spiteful and resents people who impose upon my life and cause stress and woe too me. You know. Stuff like eating my food. Smoking my smokes. Asking for rides. Using my place. I just dont like it.

And i suppose i am that somebody to another person... for instance. Perhaps the people i visit feel this way about me?

I lost the concept of friendship during my times of mental instability. And i think its always been apart of me. Greed, blaming, backbiting, name calling, insults, verbal abuse, resentment toward people, judging, ridiculing, commentating. Etcetera!

During my times of mental illness. I had a lot of time to think about how the social aspects of life work. You know. Popularity. Social hyracy. Outcasts. Ostracized. Secluded. Why one person has a wife, children, a house, a boat, a car, a career. And another doesn't? Why one man has a lover and another doesn't? Why some people seem to have it all together? And others don't? I went into hours upon hours. And days upon days. Weeks upon weeks. Years upon years. Of thinking about these sorts of things. Philosophical talk. Analysing. Debating reminiscing. Why does one man fall mentally ill and not another? Envy, jealousy, covetous. Hate.

[eudemonism]

..........