Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[maddison]

Have just been yelled at, abused, because I refused to go to Bunnings to buy water filters for the water jug.
I said I didn't want to be on the roads unless I absolutely had to, and that maybe he could ask his mum to drive him, that I think she would be happy to help him. ( she will occasionally do this type of thing for him)
He started yelling, telling me I couldn't function properly in society, I agreed with him, and re-iterated that he should ask his mum. He kept yelling and I left the room to feed the pets.
We then met in the bathroom where he continued to yell, stating that I could no longer keep any of my toiletries in the bathroom bench, that he was going to put all my things in a box and dump them in my room. ( I do have a bit of stuff there)
I told him that I was going to call his caseworker tomorrow. He asked,"why" and I said, "because your not coping". He said, "Don't be stupid".
I am in my bedroom now with door locked, I can feel adrenaline going through, and feel scared.
It was the tiniest thing, and it escalated to me getting told off/yelled/punished.
I don't want to be locked in my room, I would like to be able to use the rest of the house, but I am too nervous/exhausted to bother.
I don't know what set him off, he is just acting crazy😢

[Alessandra1992]

Can you ring his mum?
Can you ring a friend to come over? Do you have a friend you can go and stay with for a few days?
Good idea to call his case worker but if you are not considered his carer, you might not get much of a hearing

[maddison]

Hi,
Thanks @Alessandra1992. I just sent a text to his mum to let her know what's going on. I don't know if it's right thing to do?
You are right about caseworker probably not willing to listen, I will just leave it at that for now. Thanks for help.

[Kiera80]

@maddison You are going through exactly what I went through with my sibling, I feel from reading your posts that I'm right back there in the worst of times. 

What is your situation like exactly?  Can you separate from this person?  Can you make him leave?  Can you leave?  What is it that ties you together at the moment?

As everyone will tell you, you don't deserve any of this and you need to stay strong and avoid any unnecessary contact with this person.  I know that's hard when you live together but there are some things you can try.

The main thing is to not occupy the same space at the same time. 

If he is in a particular part of the house, you get out of that space.  Doesn't matter at the moment if you were there first, just go and do it without saying a single word. If you are doing something you can't leave, such as cooking, just go about your business and don't say anything to him.

Keep your communication to a bare minimum - by that I mean what you say to eachother.  Don't talk to this person unless you absolutely have to.

Say no to anything you don't like and mean it.  If your no is not heard, you can repeat it but leave it at that.  You do not need to justify in any way the fact that you said no.  Sometimes people with a mental illness will bombard you with demands or wants.  You may need to say something like "let me think about that for half an hour and I'll get back to you".  Then do exactly that.  Don't leave them hanging either because they will be watching the clock for when that half hour is up.

If this person wants to engage you in an argument or anything negative just say "sorry but if you are going to yell at me, abuse me etc etc" I'm not prepared to listen to you".  "When you calm down you can talk to me".  Then remove yourself from the situation immediately.  If he wants to keep ranting in an empty room let him.  That's his problem then, not yours.

Keep any conversations clear and to the point. Don't let him ramble on and on.  Ask him to get to the point.  If he doesn't, just walk away.

Always, always, always mean what you say.  The way someone with a mental illness thinks is vastly different to the way we think.  They will take everything you say as gospel so be really careful.  Think first about anything you want to say to him.  Try not to get into a slugging match with him where you might say something you regret.  You will forget what you said but he won't and will use that against you at every opportunity.  This is another reason why I suggest zipping it for a while.  If you keep the communication to a bare minimum he can't twist stuff you say around to hurt you.  For some reason they seem to feed off our misery.

I also really want to encourage you to keep using the help of police and the cat team when you need to.  Remember, that is what they are there for.  There is not enough help for the mentally ill in our community and I know the police are overloaded with this stuff but the system won't change unless things get so bad for our friends in blue that the government offers more assistance.  Do not ever feel that you shouldn't use their assistance.

You absolutely must seek some counselling for yourself.  Go to your local gp and ask for a mental health check/report.  Through the government you are entitled to a number of counselling sessions for free.  Use it - asap.

Before you start drowing in this madness and your own mental health is affected, you need to start taking the power back that rightfully belongs to you as your own person.

There are a lot of good groups out there as well that I suggest you get in contact with.  Remember Lifeline is only a call away if things get a bit out of hand at home.  They are fantastic at what they do.

Do not think you have to take this on yourself.  Big, big, big mistake if you try.  You are responsible for only you.

I hope some of my tips will help you put in place a more harmonious environment.  I really feel that you should look at some ways you can get away from this person permanently.

If I think of anything else that can help you I will repost.  Please take care of yourself.  I just hate the thought that someone else is going through what I went through.  It makes me so angry and sad at the same time.   Please keep posting here as well. 

One last thing that I think is hugely important - whatever you do, do not isolate yourself.  It can happen quicker than you think, especially when you're feeling down and depressed with what's going on.  Let as many friends and family as possible know about your situation.  If you work, let your colleagues know too.  There is nothing worse than being alone in this miserable situation.  Please make sure that doesn't happen to you. 

[CherryBomb]

Hi @maddison,

Are you ok? It seemed the home situation with your flatmate was quite tense last time you posted.

@Kiera80 raises some great points. Communication, setting boundaries, and sticking to them can be very helpful. All of this can help to keep you safe, and it can also help raise your housmate's awareness into his behaviour. 

I have some communication strategies that I like to use, which may be helpful:

- Avoid 'You' statements, such as 'you should' or 'you need to....'. This can sound acusatory and can create a defensive attitude. Instead use 'I' statement where you talk from your own experience and feelings. This can create a feeling of empathy. An example of this is 'you're never home' which can instead be replaced with 'I miss you.' Another example is 'you're acting weird', which can be replaced with 'I'm worried about you.'

- Also try being specific about naming behaviour rather than using blanket statements. Saying things like 'you're out of control' doesn't really name the behaviour, nor does it hold that person accountable. Name the behaviour that is concerning you. For instance, 'yelling and slamming doors.'

- The two above statements can be used in conjunction to form a statement like: 'I feel threatened and afraid when you yell and slam doors.' 

- Next set boundaries - a consequence for the behaviour. For instance, 'Because I feel afraid, I need to leave this situation until I feel safe again. I can't continuing talking unless you lower voice'.  And as @Kiera80  mentioned, follow through with this. Following through with this behaviours shows that certain behaviours have consequences, and it also keeps you safe. 

You might like to read this resource about communication. It's on the gamblinghelponline website, but the strategies are also relevant to communication/conflict more broadly. 

Remember to keep on talking about what you're going through, get support so you're not dealing with this all on your own. It's a huge weight to carry. 

We're here for you.

CB

[maddison]

Hi @CherryBomb,
I just wanted to put in a quick reply that I am ok.
I want to write more, but will will leave it till later.
Especially wanted to say thankyou to @Kiera80 for their understanding, and useful advice.
I am going to use what both posts as resource. Thankyou for supporting me😊

[Jacob101]

Hi there, just read these posts. The primary most important thing is your own safety. Have an exit or a plan to leave house if you feel intimidated or threatened. I know this from experience. In a psychosis my partner nearly killed me on October long weekend. I spent weeks afterwards locked in a bedroom at night. Then he went overseas but is now back and after 2 weeks is back being aggressive. I had to run out of place last night. I'm now living in a bed sitter (which I organised for him while he was overseas), while he sits in luxury at my home. I can't go back. Even a raised voice makes me fearful. you don't realise how some behaviour is so dysfunctional until you stop experiencing it. So my advice is keep safe. J

[Kiera80]

Absolutely, a lot of what @CherryBomb has mentioned will be helpful.  Starting your sentence with an "I" instead of a "you" difuses the situation for the other person.  Even just saying "I can't deal with this" shows the other person you have reached your limit.

@maddison A lot of what I mentioned in my post is designed to give you some breathing space.  When you say no, when you walk away, when you don't communicate it all helps you to not be present in a bad situation.  It gives you a break and hopefully some peace.

I find when there's constant talking or yelling going on you just can't think straight.

Another point I would like to bring up is that your pets, if you have a dog or cat, will also be affected with the yelling and carrying on so the more you can keep the place calm, the better off it will be for everyone.  I know my dogs were affected when my sibling was ranting and raving and even now, if voices are raised I can see how it affects them.  I always try to difuse the situation as fast as possible.

I thought of something else you can try doing which I found to be helpful and that is to practice saying no to certain situations in a mirror.  Sounds silly but it can be a huge confidence boost when you know you can confidently say no, even if it's to your own reflection.  Try to keep a neutral face while doing it.  Just calmly stand there and say "no, I don't feel like doing that" or "no I won't listen to you anymore" etc.  Pick some moments you can remember over the past few weeks where you wish you had said no but didn't.  Then repeat those and say no to them.  The more you practice, the better you will get.  Then the next time you have to put your foot down you can be calm and rational and say no without feeling bad or guilty.

[tulip]

your posts are so much like my own situation. my house is like a combination of something from a hoarders documentary and the addams family or a junk yard. the community nurses who come here don't even seem to notice because they are used to that sort of house from their other patients.

i've had trouble with help-lines and police who at times have told me to relax and light candles and run a bath and that i have nothing to worry about all during my desperate phone calls while they can hear my husband ranting loudly about the price of the soap that i bought (with my own money), the statues in the neighbours house that he hates, the work supervisor that he says is out to get him and the unfairness of his parents not getting him a bicycle until he was aged 12. he is 53 years old now.

at times when i have had contact with good and understanding police it makes a massive difference. the forum is a life saver and a sanity saver for me. i have only recenlty joined and already i feel well supported by others sharing their experiences.

thank you for sharing your experiences even though it is very hard to do. i got some good help from the benevolent society domestic violence counsellors, but again it depends on the particular counsellor that you are allocated to.

at times i wish i had left my marriage when i was younger and in better physical health than i am now. unfortunately, now having retired from work and with permanent physical restrictions due to a spinal condition i feel very isolated and even trapped. i have no friends. they have all disappeared over the years. i have no living family left. my husband's family are the same as my husband, that is they have the same condition and his mum has dementia too.

when i was younger and first married and my husband's illness became more pronounced i still had hope that we could work things out together in a loving way. after 10 years together and his repeated refusal of psychiatric or psychological help, assessment, treatment and him turning on me and treating me with total hatred like an enemy, i told hime i wanted a divorce. he went up and down the local town streets shouting that i had no rights, and that he would make sure that we separated instead of divorcing. he told his parents that i was trying to get him and his father told him that he is the man and that he should take control.

we separated for 8 months. it was during that time that the counsellors at the benevolent society helped me. eventually we decided to get back together and i had hoped things would be better after i made clear the boundaries and limits that i would not tolerate.

he blackmailed me, he lied, he sabotaged every tiny speck of happiness in my life and his life and our marriage. i wish i had left him when i still could. now we have been together for 30 years and i am only getting a chance to type this and to read this forum because he has driven himself to hospital again for the 3rd time in the last week to demand that they admit him. .....but......they keep sending him home saying that nothing is wrong with him.

my recently dislocated knee is getting better all the time but it is a long way yet until full recovery. i don't care anymore if people think i am uncaring or detached from him. at present i have to think of looking after myself. i have learned that the more i give, then the more he takes. i tell myself that it is due to his illness and that he cannot help it but it is very hard to reconcile the hateful things that he does with any kind of involuntary notions.

even as exhausted, wrung out, exasperated, and just plain over-it as i am now, the house is beautifully calm now while he is not here. the trouble is that walking on eggshells thing that we all know. sometimes it really is just a fleeting moment between his episodes, his incredibly loud outbursts and his moments of brief sanity.

if i had somewhere to go and live safely i would. realistically i am better off here than trying to fight my way into emergency housing with poor conditions and under-resourcing. i am so very much hoping that rosie batty being australian of the year for 2015 will bring about some change and resources for all of these issues. sorry if this is a downer. i have good days and bad days and mostly tired and sad days.

i know that feeling that you mentioned in one of your posts about mental health always winning out in these kinds of situations. especially when the person in question turns on the charm in front of police, heath workers and others...it's all just a big show.....then the moment the police and health care workers leave he starts ranting and swearing so loudly that the whole street can hear it and i just have to walk away, drive away when i can, or just go out to the movies and hope that the house isn't too trashed by him when i get home.

right now i will enjoy the quiet while it lasts....which may not be for very long. thanks for reading if anyone out there is reading. sorry for the long vent and any typos due to tiredness.

[Kiera80]

@tulip  I am extremely worried for you.  You're living in a crazy world and running out of options.  You said if you had somewhere to go and live safely you would.  Do you have any financial backing that you could go and rent a place with someone?  Can you put your name down for public housing where the place is your own?  Since getting back together with your husband things clearly have not improved and you seem to be in a very bad situation.  Surely this behaviour from your husband warrants another separation - for your own health and safety.  Nobody deserves to be treated like this.  I don't think you are better off where you are now, not one little bit.