Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[lovingmum]

I understand completely.  We were frightened of our son too. There were violent out bursts and the police ended up taking an AVO out on him on our behalf....sometimes, you have nothing left, no answers or no where to turn to,  except the law. That is your last line of defence, and yes it is horrible but thats how it goes.  You will get stronger every day and rest a little easier if you keep telling yourself that you have done your very very best and thats all you can do.  There is no more to do or give.  Like my son, your son needs to realise just how lucky he is and how far above and beyond you have gone for him. Thats our problem, we have cared too much and done too much for them over their years, they now think its their god given right to treat us like dirt and keep getting away with it.  Well, enough is enough Worn out.......,Stand strong x

[Telopea]

I will stand strong and feel comforted by your words. I have always kept quiet about all the problems - don't want to stress my parents too much and friends express sympathy but don't get it. 

I guess I have always wanted others to see my son for his good qualities. In the hope that positive vibes around him will help him. In truth, his depression and addictions have turned him into a manipulator - his dark side is the one that I mainly see. I will probably continue to offload as it gives me clarity!

[Appleblossom]

@Telopea I watched an abusive situation develop between my younger brother and my mother.  I loved them both and tried to get them both to do counselling.  Through watching the disastrous outcome of their relationship and my own research I learned a lot about enabling behaviours and learned dependency etc.

I have an artistic and musical son.  We live together and I am also his main music teacher ... the image of my brother's outcome in life was frightening to me .. that it might be reenacted in our generation ... I felt doomed either way I went ... but I am gradually gaining more confidence in expecting responsible behaviour even though he does have an MI.

Sorry its my opinion that if your son is on a DSP He should be paying rent to you and food from it. ... its too much of a cashed up society ...and they just waste it ... if allowed ... that govt money is meant for his needs ... sorry I used to work for Social Security and the tax office ... My son tries to busk and give me $60 per week ... and he learns from that experience ... and knows he cant live for cheaper better anywhere else ... and I RESPECT his effort ... we have to allow grown men to take responsibilities ... albeit if they are vulnerable ... step by step ... but take up their load is the only they will feel good about themselves.  Guilt about not being perfect parent is not helpful in getting them to face their own life journey.

Homelessness has been a real issue in our family and I have not pulled any punches in that regard. I joke to my son that I will buy him a tent and a bottle of milk ... but i will always be there for him ... find your own way to communicate ... straight ... to your son ... that the current situation is not viable.

Do your research ... get professional support for you ... but dont let him guilt you into treating him as a child ... there are NO PERFECT parents anywhere.... just a few who fake it.

My brother became so mixed up by his own manipulations that he took his life ... paradoxically tough love sometimes works better. 

I will do anything to help my son thrive .. but letting him be a bludger and abusive to me wont help in the least.  I knew that .. and he has come to realise that ... so I know a lot of my job of active parenting will slow down ... I need the break ...

Sorry to be so direct.

[Telopea]

I am glad you are so direct. I read your words and related to a lot of it. I will get professional help for me in order to bring about changes that need to occur. Where my son is concerned, I have been driven by a certain amount of guilt - if I had said or done things differently then maybe he would be a better adjusted human being. I felt guilt that I had divorced his dad who, ineffectual at the best of times then opted out of being a parent to the kids. I felt I had double duty. It worked for my other kids but not for my son. 

I know that I have done a reasonable job as a parent when I look at it all objectively.However, I am dealing with a person who is chronically depressed, has addictions and is as lonely as hell. My head is clear but my heart is hurting. 

I have faced the prospect that he might accidently suicide. I know this is an outcome that could happen.

 As I write this, it becomes clear to me that an objective third party needs to be involved.

Thank you for sharing your story and your insightful comments.

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi @Telopea

I am a mother of five.  Our issue is with my husband, in denial with an mi in the form of a complex and family-invasive-emotionally-abusive eating disorder.  We have created boundaries around him which hold most of the time in order to stay with him and try to "walk him home".  Not easy.  I refer to my teen and 20-something offspring as my baby dragons .... gorgeous but temperamental as they are at this age .... they have nothing on WH (wayward husband) though ....

That being some of the background, I wanted to let you know that we are suffering circumstantial depression to varying degrees, and the youngest two kids in particular, have struggled to get their life-skills in order under these very trying conditions.

I agree whole-heartedly with @Appleblossom here though .... the worst thing you can do is accept their consistent attempts to push down the boundaries and be emotionally abusive and demanding all over you ....

When they are trying to push down the boundaries, they actually need them more than ever !!  They are crying out for someone to actually care enough about them to keep reinstating the boundaries and insisting that they are necessary.  It is frightening and disorienting for them to push down boundaries that I think they know, deep inside themselves, that they need, and if you like, it becomes a confirmation to them that they are worthless if nobody cares enough to step up with control measures when they are feeling too out of control to manage their own situation.

Insisting on them meeting a base-line of respectability, in how they speak to you, in how they conduct themselves generally, and even in something as simple as taking their dishes from the table to the kitchen sink is a mark of self-respect as much as it is respect for you.

These things don't have to involve ongoing arguments (although they often do anyway).  It's more a matter of placing that expectation, and revisiting it regularly, just quietly and firmly continuing to request that things are put back in place, that please and thank you are used, etc.

If you are struggling to be able to apply structure to the household and relationship, then it is very important for you that you seek counselling support to get it happening.  Don't just let it slide.  You have a responsibility to consider yourself just as important as everyone else in your life, and make sure you are setting a place for yourself in all your dealings ....  It's not selfish, it's essential to your health and well-being .... and we can't care effectively for someone else if we are not caring for our own needs first and foremost.

Take care

🌷💗💕

[Grevillea]

Hi Worn Out. Sorry to hear about your situation. I have something similar. My son who has issues, and now I worry because after so many visits over the years to all sorts of professionals from primary to age 25 he still is suffering. We are currently working with a new Psych and a new diagnosis, plus new meds. He too had difficulties living away from home and is back. We are close, but it puts a strain on everything. 

[Telopea]

yes. We have done the whole psychiatrist, clinical psychologist, counsellor thing many times. Things improve then go down hill again. It is a circle that never seems to end. I have not, however, gone for counselling myself so intend to pursue that as it is becoming obvious to me that I need new tools for myself to bring about change. Or acceptance or letting go. Not sure yet.

[Grevillea]

Hi Worn out - I think you owe it to yourself to get counselling for you. All the support you can get, and understanding of the difficcult job you are doing, would be beneficial.

[Barbara]

Dear @Telopea, it is like each word you say is about our life with my son (24). he has been diagnosed with PTSD, severe anxiety disorder but recently with schozophrenia. He has been so abusive and guilt tripping me and i was feeling so guilty about the mistakes i made bringing him up that i have been trying anything and everything to make up for it. for years it has been going on like this, he has beaten me up many times, i was sooo scared of him, even the wrong word or the wrong tone would trigger a psychotic episode, he has been completely out of control. and i put up with all this thinking that his mental illness is all my fault. wearing myself completely out, crying every day/night. not sleeping/eating. just trying to please and help him was my whole purpose in life. walking on eggshells, the home environment has been so toxic for too long, no joy, in fear of the next episode around the corner when he lashes out at me, going completely crazy in the real meaning of the word, screaming, shouting. i have been feeling so hopeless, desperate and exhausted for too long until i decided very recently i can not do this anymore and this is unstustainable, starting to set boundaries. i decided on 'tough love' and enabling him to take his life into his own hands, regardless how hard it will be for him and how  much he can handle. i have stopped feeling responsible because it is just making him more dependant on me. it took me many years to reach this stage but i am hoping this will make our lifes more bearable and hopefully will help him to step up. Though he is really unwell and often his actions and severe emotions are out of his control, his brain can not do many basic things like discriminate between clean and dirty which reflects in his personal hygine and many other things. he gets very anxious about being amongst people, therefore has lost all his friends, the list is long and there are many areas he stuggles with. we have to try a different approach because the previous one did not work at all for any of us. getting counselling also gave me strength to change and stand up for myself. (though he is still extremely unstable and when he gets abusive i walk out instead of putting up with it as i used to do for years) anyway, sorry for going on about our lives, just thought to share it with you that you are not alone, i believe there are many parents out there struggling with their grown up kids, it is sooo hard when things go so wrong and you see your friend's kids all doing well (i have lost all my friends because it was too inconvenient for them to see our difficult life, very sad, so i have to slowly start make new friends) i had some stage where i wanted to just give up but now i am back on my feet trying to fight for survival. day by day. baby steps... as they say. i must say psychiatrists are not much use these days because they dont really listen. they want to prescribe the 'magic pill' and hope for the best. it has not helped my son. i wish you all the best, stay strong, stay connected and keep us updated. sharing stories might help all of us carers..? good luck !!!! i am with you, i can hear and feel you.... !!! i wish i could help you more. take care !! LOOK AFTER YOURSELF, it is possible (i did not think so for many years) 

[Telopea]

Thank you for your contribution. I was feeling really alone  until I found this forum. In some ways it is much easy writing about it than talking about it. There is always such a big back story to what is happening in our lives and to explain it in a few words is impossible. I am comforted by your response and by many of the others. My positive thoughts go out to you on your journey.