Lived Experience Forum

[Ybother]

So as you all know, myself as meany of us are having a hard time.

however, even though I'm not nice, may be unnecessary narsistic, dismissive, or anything else you may like to add.

I love the world and the people in it, I cry for the way we treat people. The innocent people we hurt, and the mistreatment of the minorities in the world.

for myself, I like to think of it as being torn from your self, trying to find a way back to your own body. Like experiencing life as a third person. 
almost like the moon and the earth. Torn apart after a cataclysmic event, sethering part of it's self outwards. 
forever separated, whilst within sight, eluding the grasp of it's own self. Reveling the nature of the torn disembodied soul that was once impregnated within. 

gradually over time the gravitational attraction wains allowing further separation from oneself, until gravitational attraction is lost. Allowing the two planetary body's to disembark from each other's orbit.

This partly explains the feelings that I feel after the event I wish never to endure again, the events that have left me in a total snd constant need to escape from the people that allowed it to happen, and the families that are involved. 

this is why I do not speak to my family. As the actions have left me feeling like disemboweled entrails, after mortal wounding.

 I know I do not belong here, this was and never will be my place of happiness.

the deprivation of life, enjoyment, and embracing nature of the warmth needed for my soul to grow, have been totally withheld and only deprivation and assult has been experienced.

I do not wish to participate in this 5 year long ordeal any longer. It's only out come has been to hurt and crush all pure intensions and self love.

the self love that was there 5 years ago before the total and utterly barbaric mutilation by physical assault to my genitalia. And other things that happened are never going to heal. 

but I still have love. But not in this situation. I refuse to love a person or people that are capable of such atrocities towards other people.

this is why I stay in my room, no justice or satisfying condolences have been given by thous responsible.

one thing has been learned sadly, I will most likely never trust a man ever again, whilst having a rather existential relationship towards most women.

close the door, the window, stop listening to my phone calls, and sabotaging everything I tried to build.

I miss my girl friends from beauty school, I enjoyed myself so much and was able to reveal in the childhood I never had. 
unfortunately moving to the country was nothing but pain and discriminated for me in meany ways, I with never to go to south Australia ever again. Not even to see family, that's how much damage they have caused. 

I hope later in life my children ask me why I wasn't there. Because they will hear a story that hopefully dose not make them cry to much, when hearing the way they and the people around them treated me. 

I won't my Melbourne family back. The girls that found me and were able to show me love and compassion, and for once in my life, if only briefly, found happiness.

this is why I love Melbourne, not the parties, not the night life, love life or anything else. 
it was the childhood I was denied that was provided when I came here.

so if anyone was at Melbourne institute of nails and beauty from 2013-14 or national academy of beauty 2015 

hi, and thanks for the childhood, love, compassion, tears, and experiences,

you will never know how much you meant to me, wether you know it or not, it was most likely the only thim I felt happy and accepted.

I only wish when I disappeared or became despondent you found a way to connect, It almost cost me my life several times. 
I don't blame you, we all have lives to live.

but if you have a friend that goes silent, please find them, it may be the last you hear from them. 
Also if they stay at home all the time, don't come out when invited. They may not know if you are a friend or are there to embarrass them in public.

any way, it looks like I have to give up on university due to accommodation issues, as I find it hard to live around people now, after the ptsd, this also hurts my feelings for the hope of rekindling friendships that where close to my heart here in Melbourne.

I just want to tell you all, I miss you. 
you girls really did help me, please next time make sure I'm ok. 

becouse I'm not ok. I don't know how to talk to anymore. But I hoped that I would have started a business with some of you once.

I now realise I probably should have known better than to think I would be taken seriously.

but still love, I forgive you for being so incentive and wreckless with my heart. 
sometimes people are just nice because they care, not because they want something from you. 

inshallah.

[Abner]

I care about you, and want you to know that often when people it's because they're blind to all but their own painful feelings.  Also some people simply have a very nasty streak in them that likes to pick on people they see are vulnerable.  You're a lovely person who in time to come will be able to offer kindness and gentleness to someone else, and that's a gift.  For now you feel safe where you are, and I get that the abusers are out here, but so are we, and when you want to come out of that space, we're here 

[Abner]

Also I can't convince you to value your life, it would only make you feel worse, but I can tell that if you keep going, you'll gain strength, hope, and courage, and many many reasons to bother.  The Nail and Beauty Institute was just the beginning.  Accommodation is a tricky beast, I too have problems with living with people, and I know anxious that makes me.  So often life is beset with problems, we used to say in 1970s "Life isn't a bed of roses"  but as George Bernard Shaw once said "Life isn't meant to be easy, but it can be delightful."

[NatureLover]

Hi @Ybother ...I'm so sorry you have been through terrible trauma. 

I'm wondering if you have a counsellor or psychologist you can talk to? To begin on the path of healing? I know it's not possible to completely heal from deep trauma, but a good measure of healing can be had through therapy (I know from experience). 

Wishing you all the best...

[Abner]

Content/trigger warning

Content/trigger warning

I absolutely agree that getting help will benefit you, you deserve to be happy, and cared for when you're in need of it, and now is a time you need that.  Anyone in the position you're in now would be in need of professional help, and it will take time for you to trust a therapist, but they will also know and appreciate how difficult that is for you.

My very best wishes for you.

[Ybother]

@Abner 

Thank you, but yes I am too hurt at the moment. 
I don't want to die but would almost prefer that to having to have been forced to go on a trip, that trip almost killed me, and stripped away every peice of iner beauty.

 I'm not sure if I'll ever forgive everyone who was involved.

5 years is a lot to lose, and the person I have become as a result of that time, I don't like.

the constant hitting, being spat at, laughed at, and every other abuse iv been through. Honestly I just never want to come back here again,

its s as pity because once I spoke very highly of everyone. 

[Ybother]

@Abner  Forgive me but being hit, poked, and treated like a punching bag for 5 years has just resulted in me not wanting to even try with people.

I will be moving soon hopefully somewhere people don't constantly invade my room and decided to treat my personal space as a place to take out there sick fantasies of abuse.

it's honestly been the worst experience of my life.

I never want to go to south Australia ever again, or even speak to them.

after the trauma I was subjected to I have been in and out of hospital because of them, I won't even talk to my children anymore, because there is the hands of the people that are responsible for half of the trauma I'm faced with.

you know trauma is bad when the constant physical manifestations, nightmares, flashbacks and other things including being told your experience was a fantasy by the police leads to multiple hospitalisations.

I sat in my room having to listen to the abuse for years, as I watched everyone just drink, smoke, and take drugs, rather that actually work towards the thing I asked for.

making me house ready for my children to visit, I'm disgusted and ashamed to think that people think that is more important.

I wated and waited and waited, just to be abused. 
we need to talk I was told, I start talking, waving hands every where saying I don't want to hear it.

I sit in my room all day , and there the people walking on eggshells. I can't even go to the supermarket and have a reasonable food shop, because of the constant snide remarks as I walk past, the raising of peoples voice as they comment on how they don't care, or shut the f$:;k up it's all over Facebook hahahaha, 

it's from my point of view, it's been only to enhance discomfort and pain I feel every day.

yes you are right about not seeing other people pain, but I cared for people for years, housing people that there family did not want, no rent just buy food, ( there is not enough love for me I was told from one of the people) .

I sat in an apartment with someone for years because they wanted to end it, it affected my Helth.

not to mention the countless other people.

I was treated with so much respect in Melbourne at at first, I think that is why I'm so hurt to now hear what people say.

 I should never have been forced on that trip, it's damaged countless lives.

[Ybother]

@NatureLover 

Thank you, I hope it gets better soon. I can't handle it anymore. It honestly been the worst 5 years I've ever been through.

[NatureLover]

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@Ybother wrote:

It honestly been the worst 5 years I've ever been through.

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I'm sorry to hear, @Ybother . I do think that things will get better...from my own experience of severe SI (suicidal ideation) that lasted years,as well as all throughout my life up until 12 years ago. So I am hoping the same for you. 

[Ybother]

@NatureLover @Unfortunately before I went on that trip, it was gone. I was happy. It's just brought it back 10 times worse. 
so I have to wonder is it me, or is it the people I lived with for most of my life