Lived Experience Forum

[Evangeline]

I am so over feeling like shit. As soon as I start feeling a tiny morsel of normality, everything falls to shit again. I can't catch a break. People keep telling me that It will make me more resilient but I don't give a fuck about being resilient. I'm over it.

[Phoenix_Rising]

Hi @Evangeline,

It sounds like you are super over everything that is going on for you at the moment. I can definitely relate to what you are saying about finding it super unhelpful when people tell you that what you are going through will make you more resilient. I find it intensely invalidating, patronising and dismissive when people say that to me. It's right up there with "whatever doesn't k*ll you will make you stronger." Er...no, repeated trauma makes us traumatized, not stronger!

Do you want to share a bit more about what is going on for you at the moment? Alternatively, I'm about to head over to Friday Feast, which is here: Friday Feast, and you are super welcome to join us all there. It tends to be a fast-paced absurd couple of hours where we manage to talk about pretty much nothing and yet still have fun (you kind-of have to experience it to understand. ).

I am glad that you felt you were able to come and vent here in Forum Land. I hope it helps at least a tiny bit.

[Former-Member]

Hi @Evangeline - that has been my life a lot too.. just get through one thing after another.. and its only ever about surviving. its exhausting, rarely do people 'get it' but here there are (sadly) lots who have similar experiences and feelings about things. Glad you were able to talk here,
take care

[Evangeline]

@Former-Member @Phoenix_Rising, thanks for replying. I'd prefer not to go into details of why I am upset, but I've just had a very rough day and when stuff like this comes up my head goes to very dark places and I don't have anyone to talk about it with.

I just make so many silly mistakes that really ruin my reputation and I get so embarrassed. It feels like I'm caught between wanting to be genuine, but upsetting people, and wanting to stay out of trouble, but being untrue to myself.

The thing that really sucks is that realistically, life doesn't get any easier. It just gets harder. I'm in my early 20's and I already can't cope. Sure, I am often described as intelligent, talented, and good...all that kind of stuff... but I just don't see any hope in my future.

[Phoenix_Rising]

Hi @Evangeline,

@outlander is in her early twenties too, and so is @MDT. You guys may find you have a bit in common. I love that people who know you in the real world describe you as intelligent, talented and good. That's pretty cool - even if you don't always see yourself in those terms. 

I have a remarkable talent for making mistakes and upsetting people too. I am super grateful for Forum Land where I can almost always feel pretty ok about being me. I hope you can feel similarly supported here. 

[utopia]

@Evangeline
I sometimes feel the same way as you described - especially when my depression is heavy. And it's hard to see or feel the good things people say about you. And when people say "it will pass" , "you'll be stronger for it". Well it's not passing now. It's here now. It's hard now. You want it over now - not later. I get that.
Are you able to take your mind off 'what went wrong today' / distractions & focus on something else? Not easy I know, but it will make the night easier for you, if you can

[MDT]

hey @Evangeline
I will reply a bit later on
but welcome to the forum

[Shaz51]

Hello @Evangeline and welcome to the forum

distractions & focusing  on something else is a good start and I know it can be hard at times

what things do you like doing  to help you

[outlander]

Hello @Evangeline and welcome to the forums
How have you been since first posting here

[Evangeline]

Hello everyone,

Thank you very much for replying. That means a lot. This week is extra hard because I usually see my psychologist on a weekly basis but I can’t this week because I have an intensive class week at uni (long hours of compulsory classes each day). It’s hard when I can’t talk to her because I tell her everything.

My puppy has been a very good distraction. He always makes me feel like someone loves me and needs me.

Since I posted this I have still been very down. Very difficult to sleep which makes things tricky because sleep deprivation is a big trigger for me. I’m in the mindset at the moment of really giving up on being nice to people to be honest. Life would seem to be so much easier if I just didn’t give a shit about anyone. I want to be as hard as a rock, like I used to be when I was younger. I don’t want to have to feel everything so deeply anymore.