Lived Experience Forum

[RedHorse]

Hi @Tigereye80 and welcome to the forum.

I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling with anxiety and depression too, but you've come to the right place for understanding and support.

I also have BPD and get how it impacts not just your mood but every single aspect of your day, every day.

To be honest, I didn't get out of bed until lunchtime today but have been practising self compassion and have not beaten myself up about it, but celebrated the fact that I got up at all.

If you haven't already, may I suggest you read through this thread for other forum members suggestions to me to see if anything resonates with you?

If you would like to talk more, you can tag me by typing the "@" symbol then clicking on RedHorse in the dropdown menu and I'll get a notification that you've replied to me.

Also if you scroll down on the main Lived Experience page you'll find a list of subjects you can choose to view discussions on. I found this to be a useful resource when I joined the forum.

I'm thinking of you and sending peaceful positive vibes.

Take care,
RedHorse 🌹🐴

[RedHorse]

I've decided to continue here because posting seems to be all I can manage at the moment and hey, the way I'm feeling, anything is better than nothing...

So awoke feeling very down and almost immediately decided to stay in bed all day. Told myself I was practising self compassion.

I did manage to get out of bed and onto the couch for a while but I haven't left the caravan since yesterday. Zero self care and nothing to eat. Sipped some water with my meds.

Took PRN meds but the depression and anxiety are still front and centre.

I'm safe but am self soothing by running "What if I wasn't here" scenarios in my head.

Tried doing meditation and breathing exercises, some scrappy, shaky couldn't hold the pen journalling, distraction with games and movies on my phone - found it difficult to focus on anything other than my existential pain.

[Dimity]

Hi @RedHorse sorry you're feeling low. I'm glad you thought of posting.  Are you not hungry or are you out of supplies? It would be good if you could manage to eat something. 

My anxiety levels are up too. It was a relief when I overslept the other day. I slept til late afternoon. Tomorrow is my first day at a class and I'm very nervous as both the venue and the people will be completely new to me. I've hibernated at home for so long that I'm catastrophising about what could go wrong. 

Are you still planning to bring your horse home? That would be lovely (if it's not a source of anxiety for you at the moment).

I've just discovered Wordle and I'm enjoying it as a small daily challenge.  Do you play?

Dimity 

[Daisydreamer]

Hi @RedHorse,

Reaching out here today was a big step today, and I want to acknowledge that step Thank you for letting us know you are safe.

You mentioned you tried lots of different tools from your coping toolbox today; self compassion, taking rest when you needed it, PRN, meditation, breathing, sitting with the thoughts and distractions. Those are also big steps.

There are times when I have been in lows of depression, where getting out of bed felt like the hardest thing. I feel proud for you that you got through today, and reached out for support here, which I know is no small feat! You did everything you could to get through today

What do you feel you need tonight?
Echoing @Dimity 's question, do you have access to food and your basic care needs at the moment?

[flybluebird]

Hi there @RedHorse - just checking in with you to see how your night went and how you might be doing this morning? Did you manage to have anything to eat / do you have access to food right now?

Also just wondering, have you ever tried the SANE help centre or Peer support calls? Just thought to offer this in case you’d like someone to talk to, as you have options to reach out to the SANE Help Centre, or book a call/webchat with a peer support worker.
If that’s something you’d want to try.

@flybluebird 🧡

[RedHorse]

@Dimity, @Daisydreamer  and @flybluebird

Thanks for reaching out. I appreciate your concern and suggestions and am still safe.

I've had a similar day today to yesterday but have managed to eat and hydrate.

Am planning on distracting myself with some YouTube until it's time for night time meds.

Sorry I haven't replied to each of you individually but I am just not up to it at the moment. I really didn't expect any response at all.

Thanks again,
RedHorse 🌹🐴

[Dimity]

Hello @RedHorse I'm glad you're resting, eating, hydrating, taking your meds and taking in some  screentime. Some days that's enough. 

We've had lovely sun today, not too hot. I hope your weather is good too.

Sending you good wishes, I hope Wednesdsy is kind to you. 

Take care

Dimity 

[RedHorse]

Hello @Dimity it's lovely to hear from you again.

Today has been much better than yesterday.

Managed to get out of bed, washed my face, dressed and tied my hair back.

Took my meds.

Went and ate some lunch outside in the shade.

Looked at the horse paddock. I had arranged to have her home last weekend, but the wet weather and my low mood put a stop to that. I have to be sure that I can attend to her day and night, rain or shine and I'm not quite there yet... But I'm getting closer I just need to keep moving forward.

She's agisted up the road until Friday week so I'm planning on bringing her home then and am both anxious about the responsibility and looking forward to having her around again - my four legged therapist lol - I think once she is here I will rise to the occasion. Fingers crossed.

Good luck with your course @Dimity I'm sure you are up to the challenge. I hope you enjoy the experience of being in class once you get past any 'teething problems'.

BTW, Wordle is one of the games I play on my phone. I really enjoy it, finding some days more difficult than others. I'm sure it helps to exercise the brain.

My apologies for listing off my activities today like daily achievements. It's a habit of mine when things are looking up. I think I'll keep this thread going as a personal reminder to myself that things can and do get better...

Take care,
RedHorse 🌹🐴

[Dimity]

Good to hear you're making progress @RedHorse . Working up towards bringing your horse home is a big step, I can understand the mixed feeling re the responsibility. My cat was very distressed for a while today and I don't know what was wrong. It was uncharacteristic but he's settled now, eating and doesn't seem in pain.

Thanks, I enjoyed my first class. I trekked over to Officeworks today (2 buses each way) for an id lanyard. Small thing but big effort. 

[RedHorse]

Dear Me

It's Saturday night and that means it's Sunday tomorrow.

If only I could sleep through the whole day life would be so much better.

Every day is a struggle but Sunday is the Super Size Me and has been for as long as I can remember.

Tools and distractions that I will use to fill the void inside me tomorrow include:
- breathing and meditation
- journalling and drawing
- snail mail
- sort "Important" folder
- YouTube/ Audiobooks
- phone or text a friend
- tidy under sink area
- get into the garden (weather permitting)
- write down my worries/ feelings to read to psychologist at next telehealth appointment
- be kind to myself

I'm posting this to keep myself accountable...